In George Khoury’s words…
Friendships hold deep bonds, sometimes as deep as family bonds
But are friendships always good? Or are they also damaging if you don’t know yourself?
People come and go into our lives on a daily basis. Some we see everyday and others are months and even years apart. There’s a special connection that can make us feel that time never passed. Inside, you know that this person will always be in your life, no matter how much time apart you have. This is the beautiful part of true friendship and companionship.
But what brings people together?
A common ground, family, employment, education, or through coincidental events that lead people to form a relationship. Mutual memories and shared experiences create a narrative that only they know and can share.
When it’s tied to a historical significance, it seals a feeling of forever that can never be downplayed or recreated. A story of friendship and joint paths. That somehow the universe had this written and the belief that one can’t exist without the other. A sense of belonging in a period of time.
If independence, self-love and self-control are seen as essential qualities, then are these relationships set up to eventually fail?
Everyone has their own lives. We can’t always be there through all the highs and lows our friends experience. We all have our own paths. These paths are directed by our life choices and events. They stem from our natural development and a change in priorities.
How do we know when that moment comes?
When the show is over for a bond that once was and people part ways. Some friendships or human relationships last as long as necessary. They allow you to move on to the next stage of your life. It feels like good-bye to the version of you that connected to a version of them. We mutually and subconsciously decide to let go of those versions of us. We do this when the forces of life challenge us to evolve.
Ultimately a relationship with anyone other than family is based on the setting that you meet them in. A work colleague you see more or less every day may leave suddenly. It’s sad, but life continues. New people start working with you and this brings change and new connections. The old work colleague eventually becomes a distant memory. You may meet for catch-ups and go to each other’s birthday parties, wedding, or perhaps meet for dinner and drinks.
The moment you know it’s fading…
Time with them includes reminiscing about shared past memories. It also involves sharing funny anecdotes, reflecting, and updating each other on how everyone is doing. Life has continued and a reminder of the past becomes the only bond that you have with these people. Until the point that social media and the odd messages are all that connects these friends. They lose their glue and the only link that is shared are mutual experiences in the past.
Can work friends, become long-term friends?
People at work we see more or less everyday. We build relationships and maintain friendships during work time. I always say that I spend more time with colleagues than I do with family and friends and even with myself. We are brought together through coincidence. Unless you recommend a friend who starts working with you, everyone there are people you met because you applied for a job with the same company.
I have been extremely lucky enough to meet a colleague at work through a complete coincidence and because of an incident that took place. This person has become a rock and solid foundation in my life. I was there for them through the tragic loss of their mother and reminded them of their strength to get through the heartbreak and absence of their best friend and reason to keep living.
Similarly, they are the reason I am still here. In my lowest of lows, they were there to simply listen to me, vent it all out and we held each other up. When one is deteriorating, the other holds a safety net to catch the other to disintegrate any anxiety or self-doubt. They see similar traits and personality characteristics between me and their mother and I see myself in them. They bring a glowing and shining light into the world and people’s lives but they also carry the shadows of insecurities and self doubt that the world and loss has cursed them with. We are part of each others lives and they are in my heart and always make sure I have whatever I need to be George. Despite this there are times we may not have contact temporarily but we will always reconnect.
From strangers to best friends in a minute…
Some brief encounters feel like you have known the person for years and you share things about yourself that are deep and personal. It’s a shame that most of these will inevitably end. A random meet up, an online date, a shop worker, the person on the train going to work, a customer in the queue, or a person at the bus stop. These people match your mood, energy, and humour but there is nothing else to bring you together. You remain strangers when you part ways until a day that you may see them again.
The overwhelming fear of losing friendships as we grow
I fear sometimes that life will separate me even more from the closest few in my life. The friends I grew up with have evolved on to different paths now. They have children and their lives have completely changed to nurture, care and love their children. I’m always in their thoughts, we speak and meet up on certain occasions but ultimately things could never be the same as before.
I often felt left behind because of my sexuality and lifestyle. During my growth I have realised that I am on my own path that starts with me. I am at a point where I can count my true friends, choose where I go and with whom I want to spend time with bearing no guilt or the need to feel validated or accepted by pleasing others. There have been events that I was not invited to because I have no children. While the people I grew up with can meet regularly to catch up and share memories. I’m not included in this because my lifestyle is different from theirs so I may be over looked, or there is an assumption I may not want to go because there are children there. The truth is I could not think of anything better than seeing my friend’s children grow and seeing my friends in a parental light and the love they share as a family.
But when is it time to make this decision before life does it for us?
Some of us hold onto friendships and relationships because of a history of connections when in reality these people are unsupportive, toxic, and self-centered. Although the initial connection was true and genuine, life has pulled them into a different direction or changed their priorities and they keep you in their lives because of what you supply them with. A support mechanism, a non-judgemental companion that will always be there to vent to, and pick up the pieces every time they continue to make the same mistakes over and over again despite the outcome being the same.
There are genuine times you are there for each other through a loss, support with life issues, or to have a good time. But the outcome will still result in a complete separation either because one will realise they are being used or the other may feel exhausted giving constant advice only to be met with backlash or resentment.
When I was at my worst, I was able to discern between those who were there for me because they actually care about my happiness and those who needed me in their lives because it was convenient for them. By the end of it, the truth always comes out and a painful yet relieving decision has to be made. You start putting yourself first.
What is the role of friendship in our lives?
A friend or companion should make you feel empowered, strong, encouraged, and valued. They will always find time to ask how you are despite the pain they might be going through in their own lives and you do the same for them. They will never intentionally let you down, take you for granted, or use you to vent their anger and blame you for their mistakes in order to validate their own decisions that are wrong or damaging.
Moreover, they will never throw anything back at you that you have confided or shared with them in confidence. And they teach you the value of our choices, they teach you to forgive and move on.
With their support, I have now developed the courage and forward thinking ability to decide who is no longer part of my life journey. I had some amazing and memorable moments with them where we laughed, cried, supported each other and flourished. However, a realisation eventually kicks in, that we’re different people and they’re not healthy or positive to be around for my mental health or well-being. With some people I will never look back and would rather not know them anymore. With others they will always have a place in my heart and I would never rule out reconnecting and sharing good times if life has that in store for us. But it will never be the same as it once was.
How to co-exist with a sense of self and friendship?
In order to continue to grow, we need to cut loose people that are not ready to move to the next stage of our lives. When you change, this disrupts the use you have for them and you will be held back and reminded of the old you that you are detaching from, and may receive hurtful comments and accusations that prevent you from moving forward. You will be caught in a never ending wheel of toxicity and negativity.
But take a breath and look around you to decide who really inspires you, makes you glow, shine, forego self-doubt, value your self-worth and uniqueness. Put yourself first and remove the barriers stopping you from reaching your goals and life purpose. You will see the benefits this will have in your life before you know it. You’ll realise that this is your life and you have the choice despite memories or connections. You’ve got this. See you on the sweeter side.
2Shades Magazine 