Yes, Heidi is back, and she’s raring to go! As the agony aunt for 2Shades and Gateway Radio, she’s here to tackle your dilemmas head-on. This month, she’s bringing sexy—or not-so-sexy—back, offering advice on issues between the sheets.
Dear Heidi,
I hope you’re doing well. My fiancé, whom I love dearly, and I got into the whole Fifty Shades scene. At first, it was exciting and fun, but now he doesn’t seem interested in making love without some form of role-play or pain involved. I’ve tried talking to him about it, but he just laughs it off and tells me to relax, insisting that it’s great. The problem is, this isn’t what I want long-term, and we’re getting married in September. What should I do?
Suki, Pimlico
Heidi’s Advice
Oh, Suki, you’ve come to the right place! First off, Heidi is all about fun in the bedroom and never one to judge. Fantasy and role-play can be exciting, but before opening Pandora’s box, you both need to talk and make sure you’re on the same page. It’s crucial to set clear boundaries and expectations. Kinks and role-playing should enhance intimacy, not replace the emotional connection that comes from simply making love or cuddling without the extras. From what you’re describing, it sounds like your fiancé’s interest in this particular dynamic may be moving beyond fun exploration and into something more habitual.
When a fetish becomes a necessity rather than a choice, it can create an imbalance in a relationship. That’s when it stops being healthy and can become an addiction—and that’s never good. You need to have an open and honest conversation with him—without letting him brush off your concerns. Let him know how you feel and why this isn’t sustainable for you. If he truly respects and loves you, he should be willing to find a balance that works for both of you. Since you’re about to get married, this is an important issue to address sooner rather than later. If necessary, consider speaking with a professional sex therapist or couples’ counsellor to navigate this together. Role-play should be something you both enjoy, not something you feel pressured into. Wishing you the best of luck—hope you get it sorted!
Love, Heidi
Dear Heidi,
Gosh, this is embarrassing—I’m a big boy. My mates at the gym joke, “Here comes horse boy,” and I even have to be careful about what underwear I wear. The real problem is meeting a girl. Everything seems fine until we go to make love, and then they can’t handle it. Will I be single for the rest of my life?
Darren, London
Heidi’s Advice
Darren, you’re not alone, and many men have these concerns—I hear it a lot. Penises come in various sizes, and sometimes, a longer or thicker penis can make sex uncomfortable—or even painful—for the person being penetrated. The good news is that there are ways to prevent discomfort and ensure sex is as enjoyable for your partner as it is for you.
Communicate and Check In
Good communication is key. Since you can’t read minds, ask your partner how they’re feeling throughout. Always listen, respect their boundaries, and prioritize mutual pleasure. Let your partner know that you’re bigger than average—not all vaginas are the same.
Prioritise Foreplay
Foreplay is essential. Activities like kissing, touching, sharing fantasies, fingering, and using sex toys help increase arousal. This is especially important for people with vaginas, as arousal enhances natural lubrication, making penetration more comfortable.
Use Lubrication
Lube is a game changer. It reduces friction and makes penetration smoother. While vaginal arousal increases natural wetness, adding lube can enhance comfort.
Take It Slow
Pacing matters. Going slow allows your partner’s body to adjust to penetration. You can also take breaks when needed—just make sure to communicate openly about what feels good and what doesn’t.
Experiment with Positions
If a longer penis is causing discomfort by pressing against the cervix during vaginal sex, try different positions that give your partner more control over depth and angle. Small adjustments can make a big difference. Good luck, lovely!
Love, Heidi
Dear Heidi,
I am a married woman with two sons, aged 18 and 19. My husband and I rarely have sex. Lately, I’ve developed a crush on the fitness instructor at my gym, who is a woman. To be honest, I’ve had crushes on women all my life. A month ago, I started chatting with the instructor, and we went for a drink. One thing led to another, and we ended up at her place—where I had the best sex of my life. Do you think I’m a lesbian? What should I do now, Heidi?
Sahara, Southend
Heidi’s AdviceHeidi’s Advice
Well, Sahara, first of all—take a deep breath. It is never too late to embrace your true self, but only you can determine what that means for you.
Sexuality is complex, and labels like lesbian, bisexual, or pansexual don’t always fit neatly. Some people discover their true preferences later in life, while others have always known but never explored them. Your feelings and experiences are valid, and there is no rush to define yourself.
You mentioned that you’ve had crushes on women all your life, which suggests that this isn’t a sudden change, but rather something that has always been there. The key question now is: what do you want? Do you want to continue seeing this woman? Do you feel like this experience was just a one-time moment of exploration, or does it reveal a deeper truth about your desires and identity?
What You Can Do Next
- Talk to the Instructor (If You Feel Comfortable)
If this woman is someone you can trust, it may help to have an open conversation with her about your feelings. She might offer guidance or insight based on her own experiences. - Reflect on Your Feelings
Take some time to explore what this experience means to you. Are you emotionally drawn to women, or was this more about physical attraction? Are you happy in your marriage, or do you feel like something has been missing? - Consider Counseling
This is a big moment in your life, and speaking with a therapist—especially one experienced in LGBTQ+ topics—could provide support as you navigate your emotions and possible next steps. - Read Up on Other Women’s Experiences
Coming to terms with your sexuality can be both exciting and overwhelming. You’re not alone in this journey, and hearing from others who have been in your shoes can be incredibly reassuring. Here’s a guide that might help:
Hello Heidi,
My best friend is madly in love with her husband and sees him through rose-tinted glasses. However, behind her back, he keeps making passes at me. Whenever we’re all together, he acts like the perfect straight husband, but when she’s not around, it’s a different story.
Last week, they came over for dinner. While my friend was in the bathroom, I went to the kitchen, and he followed me. He pushed himself up against me and was erect he whispered that he’d be over soon and that I had better be a “good boy.”
I don’t want to hurt her—she’s so happy—but I also don’t want to be in this situation. What should I do?
Andrew, Wandsworth
Heidi’s Advice Oh, Andrew, as a city gal who has spent plenty of time around the boys, I’ve heard this story before. You’d be surprised how often seemingly straight men engage in secretive same-sex encounters while maintaining a completely heterosexual façade.
First and foremost—do not tell your best friend. I know that might sound counterintuitive but hear me out. If she’s deeply in love with him, chances are he will manipulate the situation and convince her that it’s all lies. Worse, he may turn it around and claim that you made a pass at him. And trust me, she will believe him—because she wants to believe him.
If she’s under his spell, she may not wake up and smell the coffee for years—possibly even decades—especially if he’s a skilled manipulator. The fallout could cost you your friendship, and he may even try to retaliate by accusing you of slandering his name.
What You Should Do
- Set Clear Boundaries. Confront him firmly but calmly. Tell him directly that you are not interested, and that his behaviour is unacceptable. Do not engage in threats or aggression, as these situations can turn nasty fast.
- Stay Away. If possible, limit your interactions with him. If you must be around him, avoid situations where you are alone together.
- Whatever You Do—Do Not Give In. Do not sleep with him. These types of situations almost always end in heartbreak, and in most cases, men like him do not leave their wives or partners. Instead, they continue their double lives, leaving a trail of emotional damage behind them.
This is a tricky, frustrating, and unfair position for you to be in, Andrew, but your priority should be protecting yourself. Hopefully, one day, your friend will see him for who he really is—but for now, you need to make sure you don’t get dragged into his mess.
Stay strong and take care.
Love, Heidi. https://www.counselling-foryou.co.uk
2Shades Magazine 