As the singer Kelis would say, “Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”. One thing that will always bring many howling to the yard is a man with facial hair or, at the very least, that five o’clock shadow. From Prince William to David Beckham the “Beard ‘is in
In the late 70’s, the clones with their check shirts and ’taches emulated what many gay men saw as the ultimate heterosexual man with Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds the undisputed poster boys. And let’s not forget the fantasy images of Tom of Finland.
Image: Tom of Finland foundation
In my experience, much as the clones looked “hot”, what was on the lid was often not what was in the can. Many were hiding their dislike of their own sexuality by playing it pseudo straight, something that was compounded when, in New York in the 80s, I was outside the Munster Bar and a friend advised me, “Babe: if you get into any trouble scream for the drag queens. They will come running. The clones will just go hollering back into the bar.”
Freddie Mercury brought the clone ’tache look back to life for Queen’s third studio album, “The Game” – a trend many said was inspired by the San Francisco gay clubs. The look was prevalent in London at Heaven, the Coleherne and the Earl’s Court Catacombs. Freddie is actually quoted as saying that when he looked back on all that black nail varnish, chiffon and satin, he thought, “God, what was I doing?”
The much-missed Freddie Mercury.
I recall having lunch with the late, amazing Kenny Everett and the Daily Mail journalist Lester Middlehurst in early 90s Los Angeles, when I couldn’t help but notice that both men had moustaches. Kenny was delightful and so very sweet. Still, he commented that I should really grow a ’tache. Men without them simply looked like women to him.
My partner of 18 years had a sexy ’tache, and his hair was standing up on the crown where someone had cut it too short, when I first spotted him. Devilishly handsome, I loved his ’tache. Although I’ve always remained smooth faced, I guess I always went with the theory that opposites attract. It just did not feel right to me if I missed even one day with the razor.
Movember, the well-known charity, was behind my only attempt to grow a ’tache. One week in and friends kept asking if I had not washed. Two weeks on and it was starting to show, and though not impressive, it was there. A beautician friend of mine offered to get rid of a few nose hairs.
During the action she waxed half my newly sprouted moustache off. I let out a little shriek of horror. “WHERE’S MY MOUSTACHE GONE?”
“Is that what that was?” came the reply.
It seems that 2020 saw an explosion of male facial hair adorning our screens. My favourite actor, Colin Farrell, makes me go weak at the knees with his Irish accent and ’tache. Eurovision, though cancelled, gave us the Russian band “Little Big”. Joining them from the gypsy Russian band “The Hatters” was Yuriy Muzychenko.
Yuriy – “Little Big”.
Yuriy, with his many stages of facial hair, is sex on legs, as well as being uber-talented. Since “Little Big” seem to embrace the ’tache so easily, it’s a pity their stance on LGBTQ issues seems a little questionable. Tom Hardy and Jake Gyllenhaal are wearing the beard this season and it looks (as Americans would say) totally awesome on them.
Colin Farrell. Phwoarrr.
Graham Martin, one of London’s premier LGBTQ photographers, has seen an explosion of his clients sporting facial hair. Graham, who himself wears a distinguished silver-fox goatee, tells me that half his male clientele have some sort of ’tache or beard, compared to around one in ten just five years ago. Designer stubble started sneaking in, and the odd ’tache. The demand for the more rough-and-rugged look started pushing ahead of the usually popular twink or surfer look.
Your correspondent with Graham Martin.
It could be that the gay scene is evolving. When I first came out in the late 70s, I was told at the tender age of 16 to have fun as “you’re washed up by 25”. Nasty lies fed to me by the chicken-hawks, as they were called back then.
At one point during the groundbreaking (and sure to win every award going) “It’s a Sin”, written by Russell T Davies, two of the characters are chatting. Curtis tells Richie he slept with a man who was 36; both express their disgust. Arguably the gay scene has always been youth obsessed, with a tendency towards the Dorian Gray complex.
Still, change certainly has come upon us. The Daddies, Silver Fox and The Bear, Wolf and Well-Over-40 seem to be the new in. One Silver-Haired Daddy who is in his sixties, wearing a ’tache and beard, says he is inundated with young men wanting to meet, as well as guys his own age. All seem to love the beard.
Michael Edde is a popular barber in London’s Earl’s Court with a large gay clientele. He has seen a huge increase in beards and ’taches.
Legendary barber Michael Deeds.
“The best way to get your beard looking good is to grow it for ten to fifteen days and have it professionally shaped”, says Michael. “Obviously during lockdown this is impossible. My recommendation is to use conditioner or beard oil, and you might try using Buddha clippers. Start with the highest gauge and work down till you get the shape you’re happy with. Many of my male clients love a beard.”
Being on my own during lockdown, I gave up shaving for a day or two and decided I quite liked the look. The second time around I had better luck, and my ’tache seemed to come through strongly this time. I had a little help from Watermans’ “GROWME” shampoo.
By week four, I had a beard and a ’tache for the first time in my 59 years.
Reactions were, erm, varied. Some people burst out laughing. Two girlfriends thought I looked like a Joe Swash tribute act. But for the most part, it went down very well. Graham Martin thought it was an attribute. My ex loved it, and even my sister thought it was cool. One thing that did stand out is the fact I am ginger, and much as I have hidden this since I was 18 by dyeing my hair blond, there was no way of hiding it with the beard. Maybe in my sixth decade, embracing my red-headed Scots heritage might not be a bad thing. It has certainly been fun trying it, and it may be here to stay.
Certainly now, I can say with conviction, “Who’s your Daddy?”
My son has always been effeminate and neither my husband or myself have tried to change that. When he wanted to not do football and take up sewing (and he is good) we fully encouraged him. Now he is 15 he wants to return to school this term as a girl, going from David to Danielle. Heidi can I be honest, I am terrified for him and his safety. The school say it is ok but my husband is against it. We just feel he is too young still what can we do?
Thanks so much for your question, I think it is great you have always seen David for who he wants to be and fully supported him. As with everything that should not change, and your love and protection is the number one thing he counts on.
David has made what might be seen to many as brave decision to start to transition into Danielle, and it can be a confusing and frightening time for Danielle and for those that love her. But it also can be liberating and a wonderful thing for those that feel they have been born into the wrong body.
Please make sure you keep an open conversation with Danielle, so there are no secrets. If you feel the reaction at school to Danielle is hurting her, go to the school right away. It is so important not to react negatively as you have been doing but talk to her about safety and life moving forward.
Here is hoping it all goes well
Love Heidi
Heidi hi,
My mother is a super bitch and is all about how things look. I am 17 and going to college this year and as it is a boarding college it is brilliant as I can get away from her showing off. Heidi, she thinks she is coming to see me settle in. I know it sounds like I am being unfair but all that will happen is she will come and make the whole thing about herself, flirt with people and it will be an embarrassment. Honestly I do not want to go if she is coming.
Oh, bless you, I am sure she wants the best for you. Parents are only human too and as we grow older, we sometimes see flaws in them as in all humans. Equally it is a good idea to talk to your parents as humans. You are 17 now so maybe tell her you want to make the move in and settle in on your own.
It may cause a row if she asks why to tell her you sometimes find her a little embarrassing. It can go either way but it may get mum thinking .
I feel as a parent myself you always want your child to be happy and safe, so it’s understandable that she wants to see where you are living. When you are ready, show her where you are residing and then possibly whisk her out for a mum and son lunch !
Good luck 🤞
Love you Heidi and need your help,
Having lost my virginity last year to an older boy at my school, it did not take long to realise that my preference is girls. Then in Brighton in June this gorgeous girl came on to me and that was that.
It was only a week in when I found out she is starting work at my college this term. Now I am 18 so not jailbait, but she said it would be an issue . What do I do when I see her? I am in love.
Kim, Worthing.
Hi Kim,
Oh, my love I feel your pain. If she says she cannot be in a relationship, there may be strict rules against this. I think she sounds sensible and will have checked.
It is a very new relationship and if it is true love maybe in three years’ time when you leave it can be rekindled.
But please do not be holding a torch for the whole time. My thoughts are she would be more impressed if you went on with your life, met new people and grow as a person.
Best of luck.
Hi Heidi.
My boyfriend is super-hot, he plays rugby and is a Queen’s dream. The only issue is when we go out everyone flirts with him and I am invisible. The main problem is he flirts back and tells me it is just fun, that I am to get over myself and that I am his man. But I dread going out socially, especially to gay bars. We have been together for two years; I am a teacher and he is a doctor. I do not want to say anything in case I sound jealous or drive him away.
Paul, Battersea.
Hi Paul,
This might sound crazy, but many beautiful looking people have issues finding love and making people feel secure in a relationship with them.
It feels like you’re being insecure and I feel for you. Sit him down tell him you’re feeling insecure and you need some reassurances. Even get some couples counselling.
Sam Grierson said, “After my best friend took her own life, I stopped writing. I couldn’t write anymore. I met Michelle and she told me to give myself a nudge. And I went on holiday a few weeks later, and I sat on a beach in Croatia. And I hear her in my head, give yourself a nudge. And I thought to myself, you know, I’m autistic.
We’re not supposed to have big emotions. But I was having massive emotions for Jenny taking her own life. And I missed her. She’d been my best friend since I was four. And I completely missed her. And I’m thinking, I am having colossal emotions here. How is it possible that autistic people don’t feel?”
I’ve had the honour of watching Sam’s short film The Programme which is set to release in November. Her writing and direction of this enterprise made me feel a thousand emotions at once.
It’s about a non-binary and autistic character called ‘Drum’ played by Granite Harbour actress, Michelle Jeram who is interviewed by an AI robot. The purpose of this film is for the AI robot to gather information on a neurodivergent individual’s feelings and emotions to navigate how to treat them in the future.
The conversation between the AI robot (played by Sherise Blackman) and Drum was a painful watch and in many ways, made me feel seen and a huge reminder of the empathy we lack as human beings. The urgency to separate what’s normal and abnormal in people through labels, assumptions and ignorance is the root of all the divide.
People often forget that the spectrum of neurodiversity is far too varied to be generalised. There’s a reason why people say “they’re on a spectrum” after being diagnosed or familiarising themselves with certain traits. With this context in mind, Sam’s work deeply reflects how feelings and emotions also lie on an infinite spectrum that cannot be classified.
Sam explains, “Autistic people are shut down and shut up so often. I just wanted them to be able to express themselves and just talk. So I wrote the film to talk about grief and loneliness because they’re big feelings we don’t talk about. And again, as a neurodivergent person, what does that look like for us? And Drum’s not trying to be every neurodivergent person, it’s just a story by a person. But by letting them articulate their feelings, big, deep feelings, I just wanted to let people sit without uncomfortableness”
The essence of discomfort Sam speaks of while watching any of her creative explorations is an attempt to free the mind and elevate us to all forms of acceptance.
How often, as human beings, do we come across a story, feel a rush of emotions based on our own life experiences and settle on an opinion? Or, in some cases, feel so unsettled that the world becomes a projection of our emotions?
However, that’s exactly what Sam tries to portray through her work, we’re all human and equally messed up, neurodivergent or not. We’re all invited to feel the emotions that we do in our own ways. The keyword being feel and to be courageous to sit with ourselves, allow the voices to speak to us and initiate transformation through self-acceptance.
Sam mentioned, “Liz and I run workshops, we start all the workshops on the left hand side of the room, we put flip charts up and we say, right, what does autism look like? What does grief look like? And then can you express your emotions, for example, right? So we’ll put these on flip charts. And then Liz will interview me a little bit about why I wrote the film and then we’ll watch the film. Then we purposefully take a break. We let people go to the loo or whatever and just sit with it for a minute. We bring them back in the room and we say, right, talk about the film for a bit. And before they go, we do the flip charts again but on the other side of the room. We say, right, what does autism look like? What does grief look like? And can you express your emotions?
Sponsor and Film Producer, Liz Crutchley with Sam Grierson now working on a new feature film, ‘Station’
Every single person who’s ever been to our workshops has transformed in that two hour period from what they wrote and thought when they came in, to what they wrote and thought when they left, because we have challenged people, we have moved people’s perception. And the reason that we were able to do that is because we’re telling the story. And we’re able to draw people into Drum’s world and see it through Drums’ eyes in a really personal way. And so for me, what do I want to achieve? It’s that. It’s taking people’s perception beforehand and coming out the other side and transforming it. I think most people who’ve seen the film said they needed to watch it again.”
I had to watch it two or three times myself, not to make sense of the character, but mainly to make sense of my own emotions. I went through a spectrum of thoughts watching The Programme because at times I felt the writing was peeling into my heart like a stranger breaking into my house but I allowed it to happen?
At times I felt a wave of sympathy for Drum’s character for being dehumanised by the AI robot when they not only answered the questions, but also bravely articulated every ounce of their misery. Only to be shot down for digressing or being “vague”.
Sam has evolved to a state of living where she challenges herself to do things and think differently but also does everything her creative soul tells her to do. She has a wonderful community of people who share her vision to allow people to go beyond themselves and into themselves.
Executive Producer, Claire Brown with Sam Grierson
Soundtrack writer and artist, Megan Black with Sam Grierson
She continues to represent the neurodivergent community through her storytelling but also wishes to create a space for everyone to feel safe to express themselves. She works selflessly to include all voices to have a platform through her projects to spread an important message.
Sam said, “I’d like you to think differently, the other side of it. And I really want to hear from people. We’re going to put it out in November, free, because all my content is free. I really want to talk about neurodiversity. So I don’t charge for anything. It’s all self-funded. I just do it because I want to do it. I want to tell these stories. I’m going to put it out.
I really, really want people to get in touch with me and tell me what it did. What did it do? How did it make you feel? If you don’t like it, fine. Tell me why you didn’t like it. I don’t need you to like it. I don’t need you to love my film. But did it make you have some kind of emotional reaction? Yeah, that’s what I want to do. That’s what I want to do with all my audio plays, all my stories. I want to provoke an emotional reaction in people.”
And just like her audacious podcast, “Daring to be Different” Sam holds no grudge with criticism and opinions. When someone like herself enters a space of inspiration through service to the world and a community, it doesn’t matter what people think, it only matters what they feel and what they desire to share.
She is in the works of another project set in Glasgow called ‘Station’ about a man in a train station having conversations with fellow travellers to explore a multicultural perspective to life.
Director of Photography, James Peakman with Samantha Grierson
What I will say about Sam’s work before you experience it for yourself is that she always ends it with a twist. A stomach-curling, pillow-grabbing and mind-bending twist that leaves you hungry for more.
Her purpose towards people is to provide an outlet for limitless perception that without intention, without bias or any kind of expectation or outcome, re-programmes us to lead with our hearts.
Watch the trailer of ‘The Programme’ by Sam Grierson
If there is one thing most people can agree on, it is that children need love, guidance and to feel safe. Now in 2024 we can acknowledge that this does not necessarily need to come from what has been seen as the traditional family of Mum and Dad. The face of the family does not always concur with the image of the Waltons or The Brady Brunch. It takes two Heterosexuals to make one of us as Boy George pointed out. Many have done a great job, but equally the horror and trauma many have left their children with after childhood are the story of Netflix shows.
In this day in age the family can be two dads, two mums, a single parent or two lots of parents after a divorce. The end goal is for the child anyone raises to become a happy confident adult, one who knows they are loved and gives back in return. This would make for a kinder society. But of course, not all agree, and the far Christian right still scream in horror at the idea of gay marriage, let alone gay people adopting or having children.
Steven Smith meets an LGBTIQQ hero Andi Ellis Smith who has adopted two children with husband Darren, and chats life and fatherhood.
Andi, how did you and Darren meet?
Darren and I met through a mutual friend on Facebook, but it turned out that we actually lived very close to each other.
When did you both decide you wanted to have children?
Darren had always been vocal about wanting children whereas I was a little quieter about it. Initially, I would brush it off or change the subject, but I have also always wanted children. As a young gay man, I just wasn’t sure that it was available to me!
Why go the route of adoption over surrogate or foster?
Due to our careers (Darren is a Headteacher and prior to working in media and advocacy my working history is within the local authority and schools) we were acutely aware of how many children were in the system that needed a caring and loving home, and we felt that we were able to provide this. It was always adoption for us. The loose UK laws around LGBTQ+ surrogacy (at the time) also put us off that route. We have seen first-hand how amazing foster carers can be and what a vital part in a child’s life they can play. This is something that we would possibly consider once our children have grown up.
How easy was it to get approved for adoption?
As you can imagine, there are lengthy checks by the adoption agency which include character references from friends/ family, DBS checks. employer checks / medicals and finance checks including many meetings with your social worker. In addition to this you will need to attend information and training sessions.
We believe that there is a misconceived understanding by many people that the adoption process takes years. In fact, the approval process in the UK usually takes around 6 months. The part that can take the longest is the family finding and matching, but this could mainly be due to how open the prospective adopters are to the type of care needs that they are willing to take on.
Do you feel that the BBC drama “Lost Boys and Fairies” is a good comparison to your experience?
To start off with the drama was a very good representation of the process, but I felt some of this got lost with some dramatisation in parts of the story, which is understandable. I personally would have liked storylines to be more child-centred and without the usual exaggerated cliches, but it was a good watch. The foster carer character was brilliant! Each adoption journey is different with twists/ turns and highs/ lows, so it would be good to see more representation of adoption on prime time tv.
What advice would you give to other LGBTQQ couples hoping to adopt?
Be open with your social worker and don’t hide anything, your social worker will end up knowing more about you than anyone else! I always say to people to be at a point in your life where you are able to give 100% of your time and focus to the process as it will take over your life.
One of the first highly published couples Linda Riley and Sarah Garrett have two children together and set up “The Alternative Parent show”. As well as massive support for the couple (who have since split up), the Christian Right were very vocal of their disapproval. What do you say to those who think children should have a Mum and Dad?
Sarah Garrett, right, organiser of the Alternative Parenting Show, with her ex-partner Linda and their twins Phoenix and Sophia. Photograph: Linda Nylind for the Guardian
Besides breast feeding, there is nothing that my children could get from a mother that they don’t get from their two dads. Let’s be honest about this, the majority of children in the care system come from families where there is a mum and dad. We did an article for publication about adoption when we first started our family; most of the comments were positive but there were a few archaic comments of ‘this child needs their mum’ ! I think some people are just very uneducated about it. Safeguarding thresholds in the UK are incredibly high and birth families are given many chances (sometimes too many) before children are removed, so to say that ‘every child needs their mum’ ….is just a bizarre statement.
I am proud to have been a part of the Modern Family Show for 3 years now, this is Europe’s largest family building event and helps inform LGBTQ+ on their options for parenthood. The show is coming to London on 28th September 2024. you can get
Once you have adopted, how much help in the following years is there for parents?
We have needed support for both of our children post adoption as we have seen a huge decline in services post pandemic. It is a bit of a myth that you can ask for support post adoption and you will just get it. The post adoption fund is available, but you do have to go through assessments and meetings to be able to access it and, like everything these days, there are long waiting lists which can be frustrating.
Adopted children (known as Previous LAC (Looked after children) can access certain support such as going to the top of admissions criteria for some schools (always check the policy!) and their educational setting will be able to access certain funding pots, so it is really important to be honest with the school that the child is adopted.
Your first child – your daughter – has numerous medical diagnoses. This must take up a huge amount of time. Were you aware of this at the point of adoption and is there much support for you around this?
Our daughter does have complex needs. We were aware that she may have some difficulties due to genetic conditions and from information that was provided to us pre-adoption. As time has gone on, we have received further diagnosis.
What is difficult is dealing with professionals not doing what they should, following up on appointments and fighting for the support for different services. The other part that can be tricky is people’s attitudes towards SEN and inclusion.
Has there ever been a point when one of your children ask why they have two dads? How do you explain this and what about when they are asked at school?
Our son is very inquisitive about everything! We always talk about different families and have lots of books featuring characters from all family background and cultures. I like his way of thinking; he flips it and asks why people don’t have two daddies or why do they have a mum!
I do think that a lot of children just accept things these days, of course there are exceptions to this. However, my children’s classmates have always known that they have two dads, even from when they have been at nursery from aged 2 and childminders. One child once said to my daughter’s key worker that he thought it was unfair she had two dads because he only had one!
Can you tell us how you are involved with Anna Kennedy online?
Earlier this year I became a Charity Champion for Anna Kennedy. We have done some fund raising and held virtual coffee mornings for the LGBTQ+ community, which is a safe space for people who belong to this group to come and chat to others. This can be other LGBTQ+ parents or those who are neurodiverse and LGBTIQQ+.
What do you two beautiful people relax or do to look after yourselves?
We love spending time with friends and family. We enjoy days out and lots of walks (or running after the children). As a couple we love outings to the theatre or concerts and we both try and get to the gym as and when we can!
The Vauxhall Tavern, Thursday 10th August 2023 through to September
5 stars xxxxx
A David Hoyle show is a truly unique experience and it is meant to be. I once described him as Kate Bush’s and Lyndsey Kemp’s love child. His talent is undeniable, and he asks his audience, as he narrates, to think out of the box with him.
As you look around the packed room, it mirrors “Warhol’s Factory. From the lady you feel sure may have been one of Warhol’s prodigy in her hay day with the bright pink hair, Trans adorned Hoyle’s congregations long before it became a topic of conversation. But it is not just the LGBTIQQ community that worship here. Men in suits that look like they have come from the city or just people who love art or good conversation can be found at David Hoyle shows.
” Everyone is beautiful in this room” David assures us all.
The atmosphere is electric before David even enters the room. If people-watching is your thing, part of the experience is to join liked-minded people before the show gets going. The excitement is mounting as a virgin David audience member whispers to me,
“I just love drag”.
“He is not drag”, I replied, well not in the traditional form: you won’t see Hoyle entering “Ru Paul Drag Race” any day soon. Certainly, he appears in tattered stockings and a night dress that had seen better days.
I would love to hear Michelle Visage questioning Hoyle’s sewing skills (I’d pay to witness his reply!).
Hoyle is simply art. You never know which David you’re getting and it reflects how he feels about the state of the world that night. One show he will walk on stage dressed like Frank N Furter meets Bowie’s Space Oddity, oozing glamour. The next show his hair will be in bunches like Violet Elizabeth, his tooth having fallen out, talking about poverty as an artist. Or he walks on with his face bare, a few nights after the Manchester bombing (his now home town), opening his heart to the pain we are all feeling.
He moves amongst us handing out autographed prints of his actual artwork. Hoyle uses his audience as his paint brushes. He asks those at the front why they have taken prime position if they did not want him to point them out.
Hoyle does not take cheap shots at people unlike so many that humiliate audience members. Even when confronted by the more difficult patron. To this day it still makes me chuckle to think about when he asked a slightly drunk man what he did. “I do what you do”, grandly the man replied.
Hoyle retorted, “Really! I had no idea I was generic!”
Hoyle will make fun of himself, asking if anyone fancies a 61-year-old homosexual with a bridge tooth, he chats about the difficulties of dating as an older gay man. David gives sermons on not fitting in the box, or on everyday life as an artist, or those that do not want to conform or those that do. He does not ask you to agree or disagree, but merely to think. This may not sound like a form of entertainment, but it is, and he packs out venues with those wanting to hear him.
Hoyle always finishes off by doing a portrait of an audience member. Again it could be ritual humiliation but instead the chosen one is always made to feel special, but the audience is in hysterics.
David is so very special , and it is a joy to walk away having seen someone so gifted who often bares more than his soul to his audience . Please go see this icon.
Thousands step to protest the rape and murder of trainee doctor in Kolkata, India. Picture credit: BBC
I feel sick to the stomach for the state of women and children’s lives in my country and in disbelief of the atrocities currently taking place
The issue is far more deep-rooted than we can imagine -the dark undertones of our society and revealing the evil in our own lives
[Trigger warning: Sexual/child abuse]
Citizen rally in Kolkata asking for justice. Picture credit: The Hindu
I’ve witnessed shady inconsistencies in men my whole life. It pains me to say that most people I know have encountered some form of abuse by men. Whether they were girls, boys, women or men, they’ve all been victims of perverted men in our society.
At the age of 7, I was walking to my school bus stop and I noticed my brother was lagging behind. I stopped for a brief moment to chuckle at his clumsiness when all of a sudden, a man in a grey tracksuit stopped jogging and stood in front of me.
He looked at me and said, “Have you seen a rocket?” and pointed to the sky. I looked up in confusion and when I looked back down he said, “Do you want to see a banana?” and pulled his trouser down and laughed. I started pacing towards the bus stop, numb from what I had just witnessed but completely aware that my innocence was stolen.
At school I was always curious to befriend the opposite gender. I wanted to know the boys that existed outside of my brother.
In attempts to form a bond with them, I was giggled at, pointed at and fat shamed by boys who thought I was ugly.
At 26 now I can understand that those boys were immature and classic bullies but when I put together the “father figures” in my life who objectify their own wives and sisters, the behaviour of those boys suddenly became very clear to me.
I’ve observed men in my own life who are actually moodier than the women they call dramatic.
One moment they’re bringing in platters of sweets and savouries and hampers of gifts for the women of the house.
The next an abusive sentence flows out of their mouth effortlessly for a woman anchor who wore her dress too short at a sports presentation.
As if that wasn’t confusing enough, I’ve been made to sit on laps of men who beat up their wives after a drunken expedition.
And the same men stuffed notes of money and chocolates in my tiny hands to mask the blood on their inhuman palms.
The emphasis on family, traditions and patriarchal roles is where the crime breeds. I cannot speak of the perpetrators in my own family because I will be a threat to the foundation of the society that “shaped” us.
I live with the guilt of knowing the names and the faces of men who have abused their power. I am forced to continue to keep a cordial relationship with them for the sake of family.
I’ve swallowed excuses for these men who rest their hands behind their heads refusing to change.
Who become possessed with anger when cornered, throw their arms aimlessly at any living being holding a gentle candle to enlighten them.
These are men who will say women and children are fragile and wreak havoc at the sight of it. These are the same men who fetishize fragility and inflict a satanic blasphemy to eradicate it from the world.
What’s worse, these men are all around. It’s a universal problem, hiding behind distinguished suits and pristine whites, deluding themselves to believe they know what’s right for people.
They call themselves leaders while exploiting a minor or threatening a female intern to pleasure them for career growth.
“Not all men but always a man” is a quote I came across as I was reading responses from the public. I think men who get triggered by this statement miss the forest for the trees, I don’t think the purpose was to say all men are criminals.
It’s true that violence and injustice can come from any gender but a majority of it happens to be men who hide behind their indecencies.
My hatred towards these specific men is layered with concern for the innocent lives who become subjects of their trauma.
And I wonder why?
Imagine this scenario:
A young boy watches his parents fight everyday. His mind is innocent and exposed to the first representation of a man and woman in his life. The parents were forced to have him to continue their legacy, the marriage was an arrangement/transaction to silence the society.
The young boy watched his father stumble into the house drunk every night, opening the door to find a strange woman he was forced to marry. The mother feeds the son she never wanted to have, with a man she met once before they were sentenced together for life.
The young boy believes he’s safe until the drunk father starts yelling at the mother’s incompetency to serve him as a housewife while he slaves all day. With no real evidence, the drunk father unleashes his anger towards the mother till she bleeds and verbally abuses her existence. She endures the pain without a choice, hopes to stay out of the way and continues to nurture the child as a mother but as a woman, she’s been killed.
The young boy’s mind picks up on a new behaviour, he’s confused as to why his mother who feeds him must be punished. He’s frightened of his father, his instinct of survival is to never be in his sight. But he accidentally falls prey to his father’s violence when his mother’s not around which transforms his fear into anger. His father seeks opportunities to belittle him for being a burden in their lives and is never truly shown love.
Over the years the young boy is now introduced to girls in his school. He sees girls who laugh, play and treated as equals. A girl scores a higher grade than him in class and is celebrated. The father hears about the girl scoring higher than his son, he mocks his son for being useless in comparison and maybe even beats him to a pulp for embarrassing the family. The mother stays silent, she fears speaking up to save herself from being assaulted, she cleans the wounds but the boy pushes her away.
He’s now a teenager and his hormones take over his ability to discern between love and finding a woman to control. He watches movies about how to acquire a woman for his needs, and feels tempted to watch adulterated movies to comprehend his sexual drive. He finds a woman interesting and targets her as an obsession outside of his miserable life at home.
He tries to get her attention, the girl is timid and prefers a gentle approach. Impatience and ignorance fuels the teenage boy and he cannot control himself, the behaviour he consumed as a child itches him towards harmful gratification. He wants to punish her for questioning him, he senses his mother’s weakness in her and wishes to destroy it…and so he does.
This is a scenario to display a collection of common storylines I’ve witnessed over the years. Multiply this into millions of similar stories and the problem becomes quite apparent. I could point out the obvious issues like forced arranged marriages, traditions, societal pressure, extremely poor mental health, lack of services to offer therapy or education, poverty, lack of sex education and much more.
But the core of the issue is the blatant disregard for accepting women as equals and the incompetence to take accountability. These men find pleasure in ignorance rather than sitting with the simplicity of acceptance and equality.
How could they when they believe they’ve had it the hardest? That the world has been unfair to only them? This is what they think, they function from a place of ego and rejection, it’s how their genes tell them to be and trauma takes the narcissistic steering wheel.
This weekend best friend Richard Steven’s and Goodo Debattista are returning for “Walk for Autism 2024 “The Stadium Tour raising awareness and acceptance of autism and raising funds for the autism charity, Anna Kennedy Online.
This year they will be walking around London past 12 stadiums on a 65 mile walk over one weekend. Starting and ending from Watford’s Vicarage Road Stadium, walking past The Emirates, Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, Stamford Bridge, Wembley Stadium to name a few!
The aim is to raise awareness of charities like AnnaKennedyOnline continue to support autistic people and their families. As well as well needed fund for the charity.
Richard and Goddo will be wearing t-shirts made by Born Anxious with a robin on them. This is to remember Robin Windsor who was heavily involved with the charity Anna Kennedy Online
Richard himself has been diagnosed with Autism and his youngest son.
They have received support from Alison Hammond, Katie Piper. Frank Lampard and Alan Titchmarsh
I’m deeply sad I’ve missed my chance to go to the Eras Tour in London, but I’m not mad.
Her lyricism will stay close to my hopeless romantic heart but I wonder, do the haters even bother listening to her music before they attempt to annihilate her?
Unlike some people out there who drool over their screens with a fool’s smile to let their hatred towards her be known.
I love that Taylor Swift is so insanely popular, good on her for being a smart businesswoman but also an incredibly clever artist.
What must it feel like to achieve something so revolutionary through art that it brings you everlasting fame and wealth?
I feel slightly envious as an artist myself sometimes and I think we all do when we see her on our socials at least two times a day.
However, the jarring hatred she receives baffles me to bits. I wouldn’t call myself a hardcore Swiftie but I love her music, I can acknowledge an artist’s journey to this point and choose to be inspired rather than project my insecurities onto her.
I have a sense of humour and I’ll admit, some of the memes are actually funny. If it’s in good humour and the creativity of the shade makes me gag, I’ll have a laugh or two.
She has cats but that’s funny
But if it’s down bad cruel and insensitive, I fail to understand the purpose behind it. What’s worse, it comes from her own fans occasionally.
Social media has become such a hotspot for people to help someone rise to fame, be proud of them when they do but also find reasons to drag them down when they get “too famous’.
The irony is ridiculous. What do people really achieve when they type negative comments about someone, to express a moment of anger on a complete stranger and call it a job well done?
They actually don’t realise that their hateful interaction is probably adding more digits to her bank account so, continue I guess?
Taylor Swift has had a target on her back the day she turned famous. She’s heard it all, she abandoned country music for pop, she’s boy-crazy, she’s way too opinionated, her music is average and she doesn’t deserve the recognition she gets.
I’m coming from a neutral Swiftie perspective when I say so much of what the media has fed us has made us believe she’s not a worthy artist at all. Which is FAR from the truth.
It takes away from the beautiful songwriter and producer she actually is. Her remarkable vocals, captivating stage presence and how she never fails to put on a fabulous show for her fans.
I’ve watched videos of her performances and heard a lot about how thrilling she is on stage from a few friends who pounced at the opportunity to see her.
I admire the passion her true fans have for relentlessly standing by who she is. She knows how to provide for them and they receive all that she has to give with open arms.
Isn’t that the point of loving an artist anyway? Aren’t we all in some way shape or form emotionally attached to that one artist or band that we just want to see conquer the world?
My loyalty lies with Lady Gaga and always will but when I see artists like Taylor Swift who has a palm on the world, I’m thoroughly impressed by the sheer guts it takes to achieve such a thing.
But what I can say as a writer is the consistency of her talent in all her songs. She takes me on a journey from what was perhaps a sad portion of her life and makes me see how she struggled but prevailed in a just a few minutes.
Her songwriting dances on the fine line between, “Oh my god did this really happen? Who is she talking about?” and “Oh wow that must have been so painful and confusing but good for her breaking out of it.” She is a genius storyteller.
The sister albums, Folklore and Evermore made me completely fall in love with her artistry for life. I can’t begin to tell you how brilliant these two albums are in terms of variety as an artist.
She piqued my interest most when she entered her villain era with Reputation. I was re-introduced to her as an artist gone rogue and I loved it. The release she found through that album was I’m sure, cathartic for her but also for the confused teenage me.
Taylor Swift in her Reputation era. Picture credit: The Hollywood Reporter
And she just didn’t stop after that, did she? She recorded Lover, she had the drama with her toxic ex-producers mooching off of her. She re-recorded all of the songs from her older albums while simultaneously working on new material for Lover, Folklore, Evermore and Midnights.
She works HARD for her art and her brand. This is a woman who knows her worth and will fight tooth and nail to stand up for herself while delivering exquisite pieces of music.
I didn’t entirely listen to the Midnights album but I have a few songs that I will listen to for the rest of my life. Anti-Hero being one of them that really helps me put things into perspective. When she says, “Must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero” that hits deep. I smile at the thought of being my own worst enemy so I truly ‘Shake It Off‘ and return to myself.
I’m still working on the Tortured Poets Department because let’s be real, 30 songs?? I love her but I don’t love her All Too Well (okay I’m going to stop with the Taylor puns).
I’m taking it day by day and listening to perhaps 1-2 songs, giving them all of my attention so I can fully take in what she’s trying to say.
But this is what I mean when I say, she feeds her fans and she feeds them WELL. I’ve never once heard a Swiftie tell me they’ve had enough. This woman is making her fans tweak the tectonic plates! That kind of energy is monumental.
I’ve had conversations with my Swiftie friends recently, we’re all kind of on the same page with how much we love her. We agreed that as much as we adore her, we want to see more and not just the break-ups or the boy troubles. For instance, when she spoke about how she dealt with her mum’s cancer in ‘Soon You’ll Get Better‘, that was an invite into another side of her vulnerability that we were aching to see.
She goes into intricate details about relationships which could either be real or fictional, who knows? And the boy-crazy songs may not be entirely for me but the way she sees love and how she heals after a separation resonates with me on a human level.
Ultimately an artist’s purpose is to feel seen through their work and hope for people to find themselves in it. Taylor Swift has done precisely that on an enormous scale and it was not overnight.
She has been around for over a decade, her growth was erratic but she continued to wear her heart on her sleeve. I mean let’s not forget she has 14 Grammys to her name.
Unfortunately the dark side of the internet will find reasons to dehumanise her relevance in the world. Scrutinising her relationships, the private planes, the snot coming down her nose and the list goes on.
But this is a message from a neutral Swiftie who sees and appreciates her art for what it is and promises to not shame her for what I don’t know.
She makes the teenage girl in me very happy and the woman in me sees the woman in her. She’s a girl’s girl but not just any girl, she’s a woman who stands on business and is a legend in her 30s, that’s pretty iconic to me.
Here’s a few of my favourite Taylor Swift lyrics that I appreciate as a fellow poet:
Song:Exile by Taylor Swift and Bon Iver. “I think I’ve seen this film before, and I didn’t like the ending. You’re not my homeland anymore, so what am I defending now? You were my town, now I’m in exile, seein’ you out.”(Excuse me miss Taylor and Bon Iver, you’re not allowed to know how I see separation, get out of my head but stay in my heart)
Song:My Tears Ricochet. “And you can aim for my heart, go for blood. But you would still miss me in your bones. And I still talk to you (when I’m screaming at the sky), and when you can’t sleep at night (you hear my stolen lullabies)” (Sobbing, I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this deep)
Song:Cowboy Like Me. “Now you hang from my lips, like the Gardens of Babylon. With your boots beneath my bed, forever is the sweetest con.” (How does she manage to take me on such a dreamy, romanticised journey and snaps me back to reality at the same time? It’s simply sensational)
Song:False God.“But we might just get away with it, religion’s in your lips, even if it’s a false god. (We’d still worship..) We might just get away with it, the altar is my hips, even if it’s a false god, we’d still worship this love. (I didn’t ask for this biblical sensuality but okay, take me to CHURCH)
Song:Guilty as Sin?“What if I roll the stone away? They’re gonna crucify me anyway. What if the way you hold me, is actually what’s holy? If long suffering propriety is what they want from me, they don’t know how you’ve haunted me so stunningly. I choose you and me…religiously.” (The way she makes biblical references is intriguing because that’s how much she views love, like a union of two souls praying for harmony against forces that try to tear them apart)
I might be a total Swiftie in denial but it’s against my morals as a little monster to exclusively call myself one.
The haters can hate all they want but Taylor Swift will continue to serve exceptional music, poetry, love, entertainment and pure talent as always and we will always be, ready for it. (I had to)
Steven Smith looks at the affect addiction has on us all, how it can be so prolific among the LGBTQ community, the often-misguided views people have about those living with addiction, and of course shares his own tale.
November 26th, 2010, the phone rang with news I had been expecting—my lifelong friend Lester Middlehurst, the witty, Machiavellian, and brilliant journalist was dead at 55. He had been in coma for days after a suspected suicide attempt.
I know how I was supposed to feel to the world. But putting down the phone, there was complete numbness followed by anger, and then an overwhelming relief that the man who had formerly been my friend, but had in later years become my tormenter was no longer. No more waking to drunken abusive messages, or being the brunt of his jokes or outburst at parties, and I’d no longer have to apologise to other people for his behaviour towards them.
Lester in his prime
Lester Middlehurst was one of the first openly gay staff members at The Daily Mail. He was legendary. At the coroner’s inquest it turned out he had not killed himself, rather his death certificate said that he died of a hypoxic brain damage attack. Everyone agreed it was his addictive lifestyle that killed him.
Sadness
Lester was one the most addicted people that I have ever met, and he was my friend and I loved him. A month later I must have spent a day crying over him. The sadness was really that he never got help for his addiction, and you could say that my lack of knowledge of it prevented me from helping him…but that would be romanticising a terrible situation.
Back in 2009 I got him to agree to attend the Meadows Clinic in Arizona, but the next day he told me not to be so stupid. In truth, I did not feel strong enough to stand up to him. As my knowledge about addiction has grown, I have become more aware that there was nothing I could have done unless Lester had wanted to do anything about it.
According to the Centre of Addiction, members of the LGBTQ community are at greater risk of substance use and mental health issues compared to those identifying as heterosexual.
Members of the LGBTQ community face chronically high levels of stress, often due to having to suffer from social prejudice and discrimination. Fear, isolation, and depression increase the chances of self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. As a man that has lived a life in big cities, I have witnessed addiction in all classes and types of people. Addiction is a mistress that does not care who she dances with, yet the LGBTQ community are often her favourite partners.
As the self-confessed addict, actor Russell Brand explains that the distinction of any compulsive or addictive behaviour is when it begins to negatively impact on the rest of your life.
Compulsive
So, you might love chocolate so much that you’ll ignore all logical reasoning, “I have to have chocolate…I have to have chocolate…I don’t care what else happens”. If you’re crashing your car because of chocolate, that’s a problem.
According to Wikipedia, addiction is a brain disorder characterised by compulsive engagement in a rewarding stimulation despite adverse consequences.
Of course, addiction is certainly an illness and not a lifestyle choice, and if we are honest, addiction is in all of us in some way or another.
For me, I just can’t not buy a large French baguette, cut a few slices off, and put it back for later. I end up devouring the whole thing. Subsequently, I do not buy French baguettes unless I am feeling poorly. Whether it’s chocolate, coffee, or your favourite tipple, we all have cravings.
Russell Brand
Much as Russell Brand is right, there are so-called functioning addicts who you would not even realise are hooked on their drug of choice, and it can take many years for the effects to begin to show. Often referred to as “high functioning addicts” owing to their having powerful jobs or enough money to effectively hide their addiction from others. This knocks on the head the commonly presented image of an addict being down-and-out or living on the streets. According to the American Psychiatric Association, there is no such thing…they are all just addicts who have created coping mechanisms.
My father, God rest his soul, came home after holding down a high-powered job and drank whisky every day of his life, yet he would be horrified at the idea of being described as an addict. But when he left hospital after lung cancer removal surgery, he sat down and demanded, “Get me a whisky and a cigarette.” On the suggestion that was not a good idea and that he would end up back in hospital, he snapped “Are you threatening me?”
Growing up, I was told that an addict was someone who got up and drank first thing. Drinking after coming home from work and weekends was seen as normal for many in the 60s and through to the 90s. All of our soaps were featured around a pub, making alcohol look like a socially acceptable way of life.
I had a volatile relationship with my dad, but his fight with cancer gave me a better understanding of the nature of his addiction and where it had come from. He had been a talented jazz trumpeter and played with the BBC orchestra, but his nerves had come to the forefront and he started to self-medicate by having a few whiskies before his shows. Eventually, he gave up and started a family, but the drinking did not stop.
Charismatic
My father adored my best pal who also fights addiction, and is a truly remarkable human being who I was fortunate to love, and my dad did not like many people. The two were like two peas in a pod and talked for ages.
Spending time with my dad before he died made me wonder whether, if he had managed to overcome obvious anxiety and continued playing, perhaps he would have been happier. Of course, back then mental health was seen by many as a weakness and not to be spoken about.
My world has been filled with people who are addicts in one form or another. They are the most charismatic and amazing people and the arts are full of them. In my opinion, they all have one thing in common—they can snap and become almost frightening at the drop of a hat, and then suddenly they are wonderful and make you feel like you mean the world when they are OK. Sadly, during my childhood there was more of the former with my dad. Though I knew in the end that he loved me.
There are so many people living with addiction, anxiety, and mental health issues who are in denial. Even with all the help groups and open discussions there seems to be a quite a bit of stigma attached to it still.
Dr Pam Spurr, a popular self-help expert and radio television personality, says she often encounters people who are in denial about their issues that are the source of their addiction problems. They say things like “I just have a little problem with confidence” which ignores the fact that they drink excessively to help make them feel more confident. Or they say, “I only drink after work to take the edge off.” But when they count up the units, they are far in excess of government guidelines. It’s at times like these that I encourage them to think honestly about their drinking (or drug taking) and consider expert advice.
Dr Pam
Many addicts get clean either by joining the 12-step programme, by checking into rehab, or by seeking counselling. The journey of recovery can be different and what works for one person might not work for another person. It is important to point out that as much as the newspapers show pictures of celebrities dashing off to glamorous-looking rehabs, getting into a state-run rehab in the UK can be very difficult for mere mortals.
While helping a friend who was using OxyContin (a pain killer) and had got into a mess from ordering online and then become addicted, the general health services did not want to know. Even going through other channels, she was advised that her chances of getting into rehab were slim, although she did come away from it with a strong network of friends around her.
A beautiful girlfriend of mine found her sobriety in a man as her anchor who was also living with addiction. They have both been clean for seven years now.
Living in LA, the 12 steppers (12 step programme) were like the mafia, and rumour had it that all the best movie deals were done at their meetings and also that many there did not have addiction issues and instead just wanted to pitch ideas.
There is no doubt that the 12-step programme helps many, and even if the meetings can become the new addiction it’s a healthy one.
I agree with Doctor Pam that it is amazing how much of a lack of understanding there is about addiction.
Cake
My gorgeous bubbly friend Monica is originally from California. She is a super bright academic having gone to Yale, lectured all over the world, and she also ran a school for a while.
Yet three years ago she decided to open an up-market catering company as her award-winning chef sister is a goddess in the business. People actually beg for invites to try her canapés.
Lunch with Monica is always fun—it starts off with “Darling shall we share a cake after?” Despite being gorgeous, she is always on some kind of diet. Her little addiction would be cake.
Like one or two other intellectuals I have met with qualifications coming out of every orifice, their life skills sometimes leave me speechless. Despite having a gay brother, she once commented on a photo shoot involving five men I had directed “Is the man with his foot up against the wall a sign he is gay?” I replied “No darling, there are no secret signs; it’s a James Dean inspired clothing shoot.” She just smiled and continued eating.
Today, however, she was on the warpath. She was catering for a big party we had worked on together to get celebrities at. One of the celebs had behaved inappropriately to some of the other guests and to a couple of waitresses.
She was not amused when I laughed, “Well darling, at least he did not get his cock out and try and pee in the champagne fountain like at my other friend’s launch. How that did not end up in the papers is beyond me.” I got the school ma’am look.
He was living with addiction – not surprising considering his childhood trauma and the abuse he lived with. He really should not have been drinking. I am not excusing him, but it’s not the end of the world that I did not invite him to the next few. I said that I’d have a word. Her eyes got wider, and she seemed shocked that I had empathy with the celebrity at all. She wanted him banned for life.
Taboo
As much as I have some reservations about the 12-step programme, saying you’re sorry to those you may have hurt is not easy to do, but it sometimes isn’t enough. I started talking about addiction, and a few minutes in it was clear that it was going nowhere, even though I was sharing this with someone highly intelligent.
Addiction remains a taboo subject. There are so many people in denial and as much as the newspapers are full of celebrity headlines about them being addicted, most of us don’t want to talk about it or feel labelled by it.
A year ago my phone rang—it was a friend who had come out of family day at a rehab centre that her daughter was attending. She was fuming that they suggested that it may run in the family, “They had better not be blaming this on me. I have no addiction.” She was not amused when I laughed “It’s not about you and I will remind you of that next time you refuse to come home from the bar or spend two weeks obsessing about something.”
Outside those who are counsellors, therapists, and those who talk openly about their addiction and some of their loved ones, I have found very few people who understand those living with addiction.
A very wise woman, author, presenter, and journalist, Jane Moore was one person who seemed to understand it. Lester and Jane were great friends and the two together were hysterical. Yet Lester had gone on a tirade about her and I was mortified since she was a true loyal friend to him, and he was starting to run out of friends due to his behaviour.
Lester Middlehurst and Jane Moore
While ringing her and offering full apologies asking her not to fall out with him, she calmly said, “I could never be offended by Lester. He is hurting too much, but he’s lucky to have a friend in you.”
At the time I just thought, but I wish if I had taken those words more to heart I might not have taken his behaviour personally and got as hurt as I did in the end. It helped later in life as I saw the pain addiction brings too.
The LGBTQ community have learnt to talk more as we have needed to be heard to survive. Most surveys say that a larger proportion of those identifying drug and alcohol use as a coping mechanism are LGBTQ, but I beg to differ.
I have sat in many restaurants and bars in London watching the city boys and their entourage go back and forth to the toilets, passing each other along the way. I am pretty sure they are not the kind found in the survey.
Addiction is a worldwide human crisis according to the World Drug Report. Unless we start talking about it, spotting the signs at an early age, and treating it as an illness, many will die with all the new and powerful drugs flooding the market. Whole towns have been wiped out in the US due to drug addiction.
Chemsex is the consumption of drugs to facilitate sexual activity. Both terms refer to a subculture of recreational drug users who engage in high-risk sexual activities under the influence of drugs within groups. Chemsex parties are said to be prolific on the London gay scene, but that is a different story. Not wanting to be righteous, I have no experience of it or want to engage in it. Recent reports in the gay press say chemsex parties are held across UK, but there is a correlation between addiction and sex shame.
The perfect storm
David Stewart of 56 Dean Street, an award-winning HIV and sexual health clinic in the heart of London, explains that this trend is driven by a convergence of factors: “Vulnerable gay men with issues around sex, new drugs that tapped into that problem and changing technology. What they call the perfect storm.”
There was enough of a problem for the government to lay out guidelines in 2017.
Actress Danielle Westbrook, who I have interviewed many a time, put it simply to me, “Look Steve, you get ten people at a party and they all try coke for the first time. Four never try it again, four have it once in a blue moon, and two poor things are addicted six months later.”
The answer would be to never take the risk, but human nature is never that simple.
My friend Lester will never come back but it led me to have so much more of an understanding of addiction and how to protect myself around addiction. Many of the world’s beautiful people are soldiers fighting addiction every day of their lives.
Steven Smith asks the question in these troubling times.
Is everyone a little bit racist?
In the wake of current events, “Tales of a single, middle-aged gay man” looks at the question, “Is everyone unintentionally a little racist?” Are we, as a society, guilty of labelling others just at a glance? Does our upbringing dictate our fear of others that might be perceived to be different from us? How can we move forward and make changes, so everyone is seen as equal?
These days, you cannot escape the “Black Lives Matter” slogan. It’s everywhere and it breaks my heart that we still have to hear those words. We think of ourselves as a civilised society and yet some of us still feel the need to proclaim that their lives have value. Even during the pandemic, crowds of people are taking to the streets begging to have their voices heard.
Strike at the root
Why in 2020 do people feel that their lives matter less, and why does anyone need reminding that a life matters? We all breathe the same air and wake up with similar hopes, dreams and stresses. Why should anyone feel that others think they or their very lives matter less? It is time to make sure that future generations never have to be reminded that a life matters. As with so many serious problems, you must strike at the root. Since no-one is actually born a racist, let’s teach children we are all the same.
A racist – someone who believes that other races are not as good as their own and therefore treats them unfairly, discriminating against other races, religions or others they perceive as a minority group.
Avenue Q
Five years ago, I was sitting in the hugely uncomfortable Noel Coward Theatre, wondering if the Marquis de Sade had designed the seats especially for people under 5’ 2” who hadn’t eaten anything in the previous year. Putting that aside, I am here to see one of my guilty pleasures, “Avenue Q”. It’s a kind of adult puppet show that has me in stitches every time. But there is one song in particular in the show that makes me a little uncomfortable: “Everyone is a little racist”. Princeton Puppet asks Kate Monster, “You’re a monster, right, so are you related to Tricky Monster, my neighbour?” Horrified, Kate tells him she finds that racist. Princeton goes on to point out some of her racist qualities, and they burst into song.
Avenue Q.
“Everyone is a little bit racist at times.” Now, I’m sure many people reading this will be thinking to themselves – I may not be perfect, but racist is one thing I’m not.
That’s exactly what I thought as I left the theatre “Do not put me in that category.” At the same time, Kate Monster’s indignant reaction touched a nerve with me. You wouldn’t believe the number of times in my life I’ve been asked if I know a certain gay person, just because I’m gay too.
The gay book
One woman at a wedding party in Guernsey charged up to me and before formal introductions could be made, blurted out, “I hear you’re gay! David from EastEnders is gay, do you know him?” My reply was, “No, but I’ll look him up in the gay book.” Her eyes widened with excitement. “There’s a book?” I assured her there was (she did not get irony), and off she popped to tell her friends, who seemed to find me of great interest because of my sexuality. Was it ignorance, racism, homophobia or just misguided? Either way, it did not make me feel very comfortable and I kept an eye out to make sure a wicker man was not being built in the town square that weekend.
Yes, as members of the human race most people can be racist, many unintentionally, even if it is just a little bit. This topic is close to my heart for personal reasons, which is why I’ve hesitated to comment until now. Take my beautiful best friend of ten years, Dee. Her amazing personality and talent were what hit me first, not the colour of her skin.
My eyes go to the heavens when I hear, “This is my gay friend.” My friends are not categorised by skin colour, sexuality or religious belief, but by who they are as people – their loyalty, personality and kindness. This is what I see as a human being.
The N word
Colour only comes into play when a friend shares with me (for instance) that when she was a little girl, she had a friend who was white and who loved to play outside with her. One day she rushed to meet her, and the girl told her that her mum had said she could not play with her anymore, as she was a n—–. My friend rushed home in tears and told her mum what had happened. Her mother replied that sometimes in this world people are not very nice. As my friend recounted this story, I could see – from her eyes, her body language – that it had left a lifelong scar.
How do we fix this, so no child feels discriminated against? Taking to the streets in a peaceful, safe protest is one way. But let’s not get into a mob mentality, or the agenda changes. Let’s keep things in perspective. There is no doubt that Churchill, Gandhi and many more celebrated historic figures, by today’s standards, were racist, due to the nature of society at the time. If we judge them on a way of life back then it brings nothing to the table, as – where do we stop? If a statue needs to come down because atrocities have been proven to have been committed let’s lobby to get it down. There are ways to deal with this, but vigilante behaviour isn’t one of them.
Nor am I convinced that we’ll get anywhere by banning old TV shows. We need them as historic references to start with, and if we allow censorship to come into play here, where does it stop? Waking up to hear that the “Faulty Towers” episode “The Germans” (sometimes known as “Don’t Mention the War”) had been banned was the final straw. “Little Britain” has gone too, apparently, as it causes offence.
Racism off the scale
If you want to see real racist shows you only have to go back to the 70s and watch the likes of Alf Garnett or “George and Mildred”. The homophobia, sexism and racism is off the scale from Hylda Baker in “Not on Your Nellie”, which was primetime Sunday viewing in the UK at one time. In one opening scene, she asks a police officer for directions and when he turns around and she sees he is black, she tells him, “You won’t know as you’re not from here either.”
Benny Hill is a programme steeped in misogyny, homophobia and racism, but still embraced in the US as quintessential British humour, and the classic Carry On films are full of the same. “Bo’ Selecta!” came under fire from Trisha Goddard, yet Mel B embraced it and appeared on the show, as did the singer Craig David. “White Chicks” is still one of my favourite comedy films, where two black police officers dress up as two white society girls.
Trying to alter the past to make it more acceptable is always futile. Sure, petition and lobby for a statue to be removed that’s celebrating someone’s life if they’ve turned out to be an evil character, but let’s all have a say, not just a small group deciding what comes down or up. We need reminding of what can happen if we do not keep things in check.
How would you feel?
There are so many people going on about “All Lives Matter”, and they’re so right, but completely missing the point: nobody is saying that black lives matter more, just that black lives matter as much as anyone else’s. Could you imagine if this was you in the picture below and it referred to your forefathers – how would you feel?
We may not be born racist, but it’s a poisonous lesson many of us learn even from our first day at school. Growing up, my dad hated the Welsh. He was always on about the fella who stole his army uniform when he was in the services. “Never trust them.” He went on tarring an entire country with the same brush, though he had a soft spot for Katherine Jenkins. Much as I knew this was just ridiculous, on my first visit to Cardiff there was a slight nervous feeling. It had been bred into me as a small child, even though I knew most of what my dear dad said was racist, homophobic and misogynistic. His generation sat around in bars and clubs, judging others.
Enoch Powell
I remember childhood visits to family and friends, in whose mouths (you would think) butter wouldn’t melt. Grandmothers and mums would sit knitting away and make a comment like, “I don’t mind the coloureds as long as they don’t move in next door to us, it brings the property price down.” Or even as an adult, a friend’s mum saying (much to his horror), “Enoch Powell had the right idea, you know.” His Rivers of Blood speech is still thought to be an acceptable way of thinking for some, let’s not forget.
It would make a difference, surely, if schools were more proactive in teaching children that we’re all made in the same human mould, and bullying and looking down on people is never acceptable. From day one, yes, we may have different heritages but let’s embrace and learn about cultures and approach them inclusively.
My musical influences, as well as Bowie and Marc Bolan, included the brilliant Diana Ross and Motown sounds in general. There was also the beauty of the jazz greats such as Nina Simone and Ella Fitzgerald. Moving to London was my first time mixing with other cultures and hitting clubs like the Embassy and Bangs Adams. It was exciting to be dancing to the likes of Grace Jones and Sister Sledge, and my only thought about those who had darker skin was how beautiful they looked.
Diana Ross.
On my first visit to New York, it really hit me how racist people can be. “Do not go to that area, it’s a black neighbourhood.” “Why not?” I asked. “It’s dangerous.” And there were lots of comments about black people from those who looked like civilised people. This was in the early 80s. Needles to say, being me, I explored Harlem and the Bowery, despite their warnings. But why are there “black” neighbourhoods even now? Besides which, other people suggesting these neighbourhoods are too dangerous to enter is one of the things that keeps segregation alive.
Harlem in the 70s.
New York is one of the more tolerant states. It makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when people tell me they know the US when they have just visited one city. Go to Dallas and travel a few miles out where life is all church and sport, and you will be gobsmacked at the homophobia and racism. Take a side trip from LA through San Diego to the beautiful town of La Jolla, and you can sit for hours without seeing one black person. I know this as I worked there.
Hair
One thing in favour of the US is that to become a hairdresser you must be able to do all types of hair and their state board exam mirrors this. As a result, I can do starfighters, jerry curls and all types of black hair.
The same cannot be said for the UK, where there are for the most part separate salons. Several times when I have turned up to a job and the actress or model was black, their faces dropped when they saw a white boy. One in particular shook her head: “I am just back from Michigan and spent £600 on this weave. No offence honey, no white boy’s getting near it.” In the end, she was very happy with the result. Still, here at least, the UK needs to learn from America, and make sure all hairdressers can work with all types of hair.
Dee and I are often mistaken for a couple and even though we are not, we have had our fair share of bad attitudes from both black and white waiters and others, even in cosmopolitan London. At a funeral of a friend’s mother who originated from the Caribbean I was waiting at the church. The mourners were largely black. As I stood there, I was twice asked to park the car and others seemed to think I was working there and asked me for various things. Then one asked if I was related to our friend’s husband, who was white. When I said no, he replied, “Easy mistake, you all look the same.”
There is no doubt in my mind racism is learnt and is everywhere. I’m not sure that sudden efforts at drastic change, made in the heat of the moment, will last. Let us start from the core with groups like Diversity Role Models and others going into schools. Let’s talk about issues without everyone name calling, and stop telling the young people anyone from another race is worth less or has odd ways. Let’s embrace all cultures in a positive light.
It leaves me wondering: if an alien nation attacked earth, as humans, would we all come together in unity to fight back? Looking at the governments we have today, I doubt it. After all, they can’t even agree what to do when our planet is being attacked by a virus.
