Gay Adoption ?

The Dadda & Daddy interview 

With Steven Smith at 2Shades magazine 

If there is one thing most people can agree on, it is that children need love, guidance and to feel safe. Now in 2024 we can acknowledge that this does not necessarily need to come from what has been seen as the traditional family of Mum and Dad. The face of the family does not always concur with the image of the Waltons or The Brady Brunch. It takes two Heterosexuals to make one of us as Boy George pointed out. Many have done a great job, but equally the horror and trauma many have left their children with after childhood are the story of Netflix shows. 

In this day in age the family can be two dads, two mums, a single parent or two lots of parents after a divorce. The end goal is for the child anyone raises to become a happy confident adult, one who knows they are loved and gives back in return. This would make for a kinder society. But of course, not all agree, and the far Christian right still scream in horror at the idea of gay marriage, let alone gay people adopting or having children. 

Steven Smith meets an LGBTIQQ hero Andi Ellis Smith who has adopted two children with husband Darren, and chats life and fatherhood.   

 Andi, how did you and Darren meet?

Darren and I met through a mutual friend on Facebook, but it turned out that we actually lived very close to each other.

•  When did you both decide you wanted to have children?

Darren had always been vocal about wanting children whereas I was a little quieter about it. Initially, I would brush it off or change the subject, but I have also always wanted children. As a young gay man, I just wasn’t sure that it was available to me! 

•  Why go the route of adoption over surrogate or foster?

Due to our careers (Darren is a Headteacher and prior to working in media and advocacy my working history is within the local authority and schools) we were acutely aware of how many children were in the system that needed a caring and loving home, and we felt that we were able to provide this.  It was always adoption for us.  The loose UK laws around LGBTQ+ surrogacy (at the time) also put us off that route.  We have seen first-hand how amazing foster carers can be and what a vital part in a child’s life they can play.  This is something that we would possibly consider once our children have grown up.

•  How easy was it to get approved for adoption?

As you can imagine, there are lengthy checks by the adoption agency which include character references from friends/ family, DBS checks. employer checks / medicals and finance checks including many meetings with your social worker. In addition to this you will need to attend information and training sessions.

We believe that there is a misconceived understanding by many people that the adoption process takes years. In fact, the approval process in the UK usually takes around 6 months. The part that can take the longest is the family finding and matching, but this could mainly be due to how open the prospective adopters are to the type of care needs that they are willing to take on.

•  Do you feel that the BBC drama “Lost Boys and Fairies” is a good comparison to your experience? 

To start off with the drama was a very good representation of the process, but I felt some of this got lost with some dramatisation in parts of the story, which is understandable.  I personally would have liked storylines to be more child-centred and without the usual exaggerated cliches, but it was a good watch.  The foster carer character was brilliant!  Each adoption journey is different with twists/ turns and highs/ lows, so it would be good to see more representation of adoption on prime time tv.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/m001wzp2/lost-boys-and-fairies

•  What advice would you give to other LGBTQQ couples hoping to adopt?

Be open with your social worker and don’t hide anything, your social worker will end up knowing more about you than anyone else!    I always say to people to be at a point in your life where you are able to give 100% of your time and focus to the process as it will take over your life.

• One of the first highly published couples Linda Riley and Sarah Garrett have two children together and set up “The Alternative Parent show”. As well as massive support for the couple (who have since split up), the Christian Right were very vocal of their disapproval. What do you say to those who think children should have a Mum and Dad?

Besides breast feeding, there is nothing that my children could get from a mother that they don’t get from their two dads.  Let’s be honest about this, the majority of children in the care system come from families where there is a mum and dad.  We did an article for publication about adoption when we first started our family; most of the comments were positive but there were a few archaic comments of ‘this child needs their mum’ !  I think some people are just very uneducated about it.  Safeguarding thresholds in the UK are incredibly high and birth families are given many chances (sometimes too many) before children are removed, so to say that ‘every child needs their mum’ ….is just a bizarre statement.

I am proud to have been a part of the Modern Family Show for 3 years now, this is Europe’s largest family building event and helps inform LGBTQ+ on their options for parenthood. The show is coming to London on 28th September 2024.  you can get

tickets here :   https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/the-modern-family-show-london-2024-tickets-726689125737?discount=ADVOCATEANDI

• Once you have adopted, how much help in the following years is there for parents?

We have needed support for both of our children post adoption as we have seen a huge decline in services post pandemic.  It is a bit of a myth that you can ask for support post adoption and you will just get it.  The post adoption fund is available, but you do have to go through assessments and meetings to be able to access it and, like everything these days, there are long waiting lists which can be frustrating.  

Adopted children (known as Previous LAC (Looked after children) can access certain support such as going to the top of admissions criteria for some schools (always check the policy!) and their educational setting will be able to access certain funding pots, so it is really important to be honest with the school that the child is adopted.

• Your first child – your daughter – has numerous medical diagnoses. This must take up a huge amount of time. Were you aware of this at the point of adoption and  is there much support for you around this?

Our daughter does have complex needs.  We were aware that she may have some difficulties due to genetic conditions and from information that was provided to us pre-adoption.  As time has gone on, we have received further diagnosis.  

What is difficult is dealing with professionals not doing what they should, following up on appointments and fighting for the support for different services.  The other part that can be tricky is people’s attitudes towards SEN and inclusion.

1.  Has there ever been a point when one of your children ask why they have two dads? How do you explain this and what about when they are asked at school?

Our son is very inquisitive about everything!  We always talk about different families and have lots of books featuring characters from all family background and cultures.  I like his way of thinking; he flips it and asks why people don’t have two daddies or why do they have a mum! 

I do think that a lot of children just accept things these days, of course there are exceptions to this. However, my children’s classmates have always known that they have two dads, even from when they have been at nursery from aged 2 and childminders.  One child once said to my daughter’s key worker that he thought it was unfair she had two dads because he only had one!

1.  Can you tell us how you are involved with Anna Kennedy online? 

Earlier this year I became a Charity Champion for Anna Kennedy.  We have done some fund raising and held virtual coffee mornings for the LGBTQ+ community, which is a safe space for people who belong to this group to come and chat to others.  This can be other LGBTQ+ parents or those who are neurodiverse and LGBTIQQ+.

1.  What do you two beautiful people relax or do to look after yourselves?

We love spending time with friends and family.  We enjoy days out and lots of walks (or running after the children). As a couple we love outings to the theatre or concerts and we both try and get to the gym as and when we can!

END 
 

https://www.mytwodadspodcast.com

Home