Steven Smith was born in Coatbridge in Scotland. He was brought up in Whitley Bay, before briefly moving to London. He then moved to the seaside town of Brighton, where he was first receiver recognition for his hairdressing skills. Steven moved to America for eight years, working in Beverly Hills, and on his return to London in the late 90s, rose to fame working in fashionable Knightsbridge. He has styled model Katie Price, actress Denise Welch, David Hasselhoff and the cast of Baywatch. Steven had his own column in The Sun newspaper advising on hair and beauty, and was a regular on the Lorraine Kelly show, transforming GMTV viewers into their favourite stars. He made over Lorraine herself, transforming her into movie legend, Elizabeth Taylor.
Steven has been a freelance writer for the last ten years, combining showbiz interviews and travel with his eye for styling. He has written two books: Powder Boy, looking at the dark side of showbiz, and an autobiography: It shouldn't happen to a hairdresser, offering a witty and sad look at his life. He is currently penning a third book to be titled Happy in Chennai.
He has a monthly column, Tales of a single middle-aged gay man that looks at not only the light side of gay life, but also darker aspects such as rape, addiction, and chem-sex. Steven also runs his own beauty/aesthetic blog and is a patron of Anna Kennedy online; a charity that not only supports the autism community but educates the public about those that live with autism.
As I was complaining to a regular theatre going friend about the West End prices of some shows and my need to see one show, he replied “It’s twice as good as it is hyped, The Choir of Man, easily the best show in the West End and does not cost a King’s ransom to see.”
Truth be told it was a show that was not on my radar and hadn’t appealed to me. One rainy Saturday we took a chance and managed to grab the last two seats with my room- mate. The atmosphere seemed exciting enough on arrival with an eclectic audience. Many were repeat viewers; sitting next to me was an excited lady who had seen the show 12 times and was there with her friend, who was quoted as a “virgin” to the whole thing.
This is the second time around in the West End for “The Choir of Man” and playing at one of my favourite theatres, The Arts. There is something about this show that makes you smile from the minute you sit down. Audience members are even asked pre-show to join the 9 cast members on the stage set, a pub called “The Jungle”.
There is no complicated plot to the “The Choir of man “. It is this simple: 9 of the regular customers come together to tell stores and sing songs.
I know, it does not sound like my cup of tea (or pint of bitter) either.
However, there is a lot more to this gem of a show that will have you shouting “no” to closing time. It challenges stereo-types and pulls you into a really feel-good show that will have you not only smiling but wanting to go back for more. In fact, my roommate went back a few weeks later.
The 9 man cast of Choir of Man
Each of the 9 cast members has a story to tell and as the show goes on, they unravel more of their tales with names like the Romantic and the Beast; you quickly identify with them. This gives a sense of intimacy which allows you to enjoy the show but also get to know the real people behind the roles and champion them.
The Choir of Man title might be a little misleading as it not religious or that type of music. It is the very best of vocal talent brought together.
It is hard to sit in your seat as you want to jump up and join in with numbers such as Queen’s “Somebody to love” and Paul Simon’s “5O Ways to Leave your Lover”.
The song and dance number will simply blow you away. The absolute highlight was the ‘a cappella’ rendition of Adele’s “Hello”. If there was ever a reason to go back this was it. It even has a feel of immersed theatre with audience members pulled up to join in.
What makes this show so special is that it challenges what we may think a man is which I really appreciated, having written a lot recently about breaking the “Boys do not cry” mould. This is a show that presents all aspects of men and serves it up in a pint glass for all to see. For sure I will be getting another round in at “The Jungle “soon,
Dying to be beautiful the downside and the ups of the Aesthetic – Cosmetic world.
Now trust me I am a big believer on looking after yourself. If you start to look a little withered and that moisturiser or body contouring cream is not helping turn the hands of time back the way you want them to.
Then by all means it might be time to pay a visit to a qualified doctor to have a sensible treatment that might just hold age back or make you look that little fresher.
It is not vain -if your house starts to crumble, or the walls look like they need a coat of paint. No one will lift and eyebrow as you call the decorators or builders
The incredible Pete Burns RIP
But tread carefully for every master of the craft of aesthetics or cosmetic surgery There is a con person or the unqualified want to be -waiting to take your money. Unfortunately, the aesthetics world is still unregulated.
Despite campaigners such as Antonia Mariconda who heads Safety in Beauty campaigning to outlaw those who have not trained in the craft or let standards slip in a business that after all comes under the medical umbrella. We live in world where we are drowning in information while starving for wisdom?
The saying goes that it takes seven years to train to be a doctor, and twenty seconds for a receptionist to think they are one I have observed this phenomenon myself standing in an aesthetic doctor’s reception room, listening to the doctor’s wife practically screaming at patient that “she did the consultations in the clinic” – and in fact, provided some of the treatments. Her medical qualifications? She was simply the doctor’s wife.
It is quite terrifying to realise the sheer number of people who now think they are medical experts, despite zero training. There is nothing wrong seeing what they call an advisor but let’s make it clear that’s not a doctor and all they should be sharing is their own experience the price and booking the appointment to see the doctor.
Under no circumstances should they be suggesting treatments A good clinic will offer a consultation with the doctor sometimes there is a charge often taken off the procedure you choose. The high end you simply pay for the doctor’s advice These rules out time wasters and after all a private gp costs for advice.
One Sunday after a wonderful afternoon celebrating the life of my dear friend actress Sally Farmiloe Neville who has passed on three years to the day. Sally was a woman who embraced all that you could when it came to beauty.
I came home to a shock there plastered over the papers and the internet was a picture of a man I knew well. “MIRCALE HAIR LOSS “cure. It went on to claim that a treatment that he had many months ago had given him a new head of hair. My issue was that six months ago he had been abroad to have a hair transplant and the picture was of the results of that.
We have spoken about the treatment he had at the clinic, and he thought though widely expensive he had little or no results maybe as he said little fuzz, he rang me when he was abroad having the hair transplant. I won’t go into why he agreed to do the article.
But it was very misleading, and lotion and potions and snake oils have no room in the aesthetic business and for sure it should be criminal to mislead the public like this particularly as the clinic new he had been abroad. Sliming treatments is a billion-pound business.
Apart from sensible exercise, and diet truly I am yet to see one that really does what it claims. Sure, many may give temporary feel of weight loss. Certainly, the technician who has measured will marvel after your first treatment that you are now so skinny they can hardly see you.
One woman who telling everyone a treatment had done what Liposuction could not or exercise looked fab in the magazine she appeared in. Just three weeks late however at an event the room was a buzz about how photo shopped the pictures were. One friend asked if she was pregnant.
Another who was selling courses of Fat Freeze was extremely overweight “I am allergic to the cold “she defensively pointed out and apparently the other treatments on offer too.
Sure, many people have thyroid issues and other conditions leading to weight gain, but they do not need aesthetics slimming they need a proper doctor dealing with those issues.
The truth is no slimming treatment will work long term unless you eat. healthily and exercise. Some are downright dangerous Linda Evangelista had a rection to one treatment that caused her to be physically deformed.
Many who have adventured abroad (cosmetic tourism) have lost their lives in the pursuit of beauty. Aesthetics and cosmetic surgery in the right hand is a beautiful science that can boast self-esteem correct many physical deformities and make you look your very best.
Providing that it does not become an addiction (that we have seen in so many cases amongst some celebrities in the news and glossy magazines) aesthetics can be a real plus. Good doctors I have to say keep an eye on client’s healthy aesthetics treatments turning into an addiction.
If you are considering aesthetics or a cosmetic treatment check 1 Check qualifications A useful way to narrow your search down is to compare the credentials of the surgeons you have found to the list below.
You should look for a surgeon who is:
• Working for the NHS
• Registered with the General Medical Council (GMC)
• Listed on the GMC’s the area of practice relevant to your procedure
• A member of the British Association of Plastic, Reconstructive and Aesthetic Surgeons (BAPRAS)
• A member of the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (BAAPS)
• An expert in the part of the body you want operated on.
This is when the receptionist comes into play, she can help provide you with evidence or direct you how to find the proof. Get recommendations.
You may want to speak to friends and family members who have undergone the procedure in question or visit online forums to get their recommendations.
Other sources of valuable information include:
• Your GP
• The General Medical Council’s (GMC) specialist register
• British Association of Plastic, Reconstructive and Aesthetic Surgeons (BAPRAS)
• British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons (BAAPS)
• Royal College of Surgeons Go to see several doctors and do not rush into a treatment unless you are a hundred precent confident.
Even something that sounds as simple as Botox The wrong practitioner can cause damage lasting months. Do your homework And have a safe aesthetic cosmetic treatment.
Me at Freeze London where the cream of the Art world meet each year. https://www.frieze.com/fairs/frieze-london. Physical art at its finest.
Steven’s Smith looks at NFT
“Stop the world I need to get off!” I hear many of you say that in this bizarre and often crazy time.
You could be forgiven for wondering if the great God (if you believe in such an entity) would reach down and reply “Sure will you be paying for that in crypto, bitcoins or the old-fashioned pound?”
He may even offer you one of his NFT signed art posters that he promises, once you re-join Earth, will have quadrupled in value making you arrive back with a bang and most certainly a millionaire…well in crypto land for sure just as Alice drops through a hole in search of it.
Well, I found myself asking what NFT is last year. I am hearing it mentioned all around at events and parties. A friend visiting LA called me and said, “Darling you are no one if you’re not doing NFT or Crypto here”. Then came the sinking feeling a bit like when someone’s trying to sell me a multi-level marketing scheme. “People felt the same about stamps when they started”, she went onto to add.
Well fair point. Great grans used to keep their money under the mattress after not trusting banks during the great depression back in 1929. Let’s not talk about Lehman Brothers, back in 2008, filing for bankruptcy leaving people penniless, robbed of their life savings. NFT (Non-Fungible Token) is a record on a blockchain which is associated with a particular digital or physical asset.
Paris Hilton worked with the artist Blake Kathryn to create a digital tribute to her chihuahua Tinkerbell. Photograph: Paris Hilton/Blake Kathryn
The ownership of an NFT is recorded in the blockchain, and can be transferred by the owner, allowing NFTs to be sold and traded. What is NFT in relation to art? An NFT is a digital asset that exists completely in the digital universe: you can’t touch it, but you can own it. An NFT can be any type of digital file, an artwork, an article, music or even a meme such as “Disaster Girl”, the original photo of which sold for $500k earlier this year. But is it the emperor’s new clothes? For every artist who champions NFT art equally there are those that just won’t touch the new way of trading. Boy George has opened his own digital platform
Though George has not sold at the auction houses such as Sotheby’s or Christies, his work has sold at charity events for large sums and he certainly has a talent.
Tracey Emin has joined the NFT arts champion digital platform as have several well-known artists, but many are totally against NFT. With Artists against NFT recently penned in Business of Business, Zilch, an Atlanta based artist is quoted as saying, “Personally, I’m against NFTs.
However we do have to acknowledge that it as a system does exist, and that system still requires regulation and is not a free-4-all, unmoderated system where all hell breaks loose. Systems get made, systems get abused then they get regulated.”
London has seen its first NFT Gallery opening early this year, the Quantus Gallery, and the star-studded opening saw the likes of Ant Middleton, model make-up artist Jodie Kidd and dashing Callum Best all mix with socialites, city boys and what looked like would-be Kray brothers. It was certainly an eclectic group and an exciting night, so, there is certainly great excitement around the concept.
Art is objective and we must remember where the words con artist came from. Get a brilliant salesman and he can sell snow to the Eskimo’s. It is the same with a painting; remember ART the award-winning play? Serge, indulging his penchant for modern art, buys a large, expensive, completely white painting.
Marc is horrified, and their relationship suffers considerable strain because of their differing opinions about what constitutes “art”. Yvan, caught in the middle of the conflict, tries to please, and mollify both. Art is what you decide it is.
Every wise boy seems to be dipping into crypto. I am absolutely 100 percent convinced that, just like in multi-level marketing, there will be those that make a mint out of it and equally there will be those that end up burnt. There was a time when my inbox was full of get rich crypto or bitcoin invitations.
I considered joining one as the cream of business were involved. However, sitting in on the meeting it became clear people were investing in something that was not there. “We are looking for the likes of Adelle, Tom Cruise joining this”.
Apparently people will pay to sit in front of a computer with NFT sunglasses on, paying thousands for the pleasure. I guess people have spent fortunes on dressing characters up on virtual games for years. Certainly, it helped the Kardashian portfolio.
But on asking what these A listers agents felt about this, their answers were vague. It was clear it was a wish list. Following my instinct, it was “No from me.” Checking a year on despite the credentials of its founders it is no further along.
Certainly, there is a strong element of the hard sell when it comes to the NFT from those that champion it. For me, I would still go with my financial advisors and stay away from something that has element of gambling attached to it, particularly if you have an addictive personality and really can´t afford to lose.
Most serious investors in high end art use highly qualified ART advisors for advice and buy at reputable auction houses or gallery’s that mentor their artist. They ask if resold to get first refusal. NFT Art is certainly something worth keeping an eye on and if you have money to spare then, as they say, fill your boots.
But in a volatile market with bitcoins and crypto up and down, for me it is not something that would make me sleep well at night. I asked a woman who is very busy promoting NFT (and doing an amazing job) how she was paid.
As she knocked back a glass of champagne, she replied “God, money darling!” That said it all to me.
Steven Smith. Picture credit: Graham Marin Photography https://www.grahammartinphotography.co.uk
Steven Smith celebrates turning 63 and Pride Month.
By being pictured by celebrity photographer Graham martin. Embarrassing having pride in himself and his body.
Graham Martin shoots me for Pride at any age
It is Pride month and lets all get out and enjoy ourselves. Age is just a number I could not agree more with the divine and fellow Gemini Joan Collins’ statement last month, “It is rude to ask a lady her age”. Or a man, come to think about it. Even though the divine Ms Collins never missed a moment to mention age.
Trust me, it is certainly a no, no at any social occasion. My dread at any dinner party is when age raises its ugly head and someone says, “Guess how old I am?” I just want the floor to open and disappear when that one is asked. Or when some ill-advised fellow diner thinks it is appropriate to ask a guest their age.
As for me, I am incredibly proud to have reached my age, joining the likes of Tom Cruise and Boy George. It is a joy to be alive and fully active, with just a little more knowledge in life, though I am still prone to a youthful mistake or two! Some people’s issues around age ruin it for others. At a luncheon party I was not looking forward to the subject cropping up.
Here he comes, the age phobic. It had not started off well as everyone was late including us, my friend had changed shoes at least three times and had an army of beauty things to do before setting off. We were first there. I must add my friend is also proud of their age and looks stunning. However, they did look a little perturbed to be first there and not making a grand entrance for the other guests to marvel at how great they looked.
It meant that instead of sitting with my long-term friend who is in his twenties (but I swear is in his seventies and just made a pack with the Devil to inhabit a young man’s body, being wise, intelligent and witty well beyond his years), I was sitting next to someone new.
I love meeting different people, though it did hit me almost immediately that his Instagram pictures were airbrushed to make him look much younger than in person.
But then who does not tweak their image sometimes, though there are those that go overboard and can turn themselves into an embryo. It did not take long for age to become a topic. He kept referring to my friend as “the young one”. He asked if I went out much in London.
I replied that I went out to events during the week but at weekend I was comfortable at home, although I did go to clubs occasionally at the weekend and charity dinners. It started, “Well at our age you don’t want to go clubbing, do you?” He honestly did not stop.
Moving on I shared that on holiday or before going out it was great to have a small siesta. “Oh, you mean a na, na nap,” he jested. “I bet it used to be a disco nap. But at our age…” “Darling,” I explained, “I do not do the age thing or put labels on people.” My “young” friend whispered later, “He is projecting how he feels about his own age on to you”.
It was interesting to find out the other so-called young ones felt the same way about him and meant to pre-warn me as it was my first encounter. It must be terrible to be threatened by someone who is comfortable in their own skin. I think he was one of those men who got on better with woman as he seemed to charm them.
Age is just a number, or so some believe. Sure, I am not often “clubbing”, but this is not because I am 63 and feel out of place. I always envisioned myself with a blue rinse, fan dancing with the best of them at a rave in my 80s! It is more because
I do not have the time, and that London has become so diverse there is so much else to do. Plus, my priorities with my free time have changed; bars are no longer high on my list. There is the added point that I am fortunate enough to get invited to a fair few glitzy events too. I just wish people would enjoy and love the moment they are in and stop pushing age groups into boxes. Be who you want to be. Yes, age is just a number, but there is no need to keep bringing it up.
Graham Martin is a premier gay and celebrity photographer, who, as well as shooting the likes of Denise Welch and Dame Judy Dench Additionally, makes some of his bread and butter shooting gay men’s profile pictures for online dating sites.
Yours truly with Graham
So what percentage of the men are my age or older? “It is 50:50 recently. I had a man that was 76 come for a shoot not long ago. He had been off the scene for seven years as he had become addicted to chem-sex parties.” Graham told me that the man is doing really well and is now happily dating once more.
Graham, who turns 60 this year, has been in a loving relationship for the last 32 years. He puts his success down to marrying his best friend and he does have a point. Perhaps the fact that I was with my best friend for 18 years makes it difficult to fill the void. Should I be looking for someone sexual first, developing a friendship second?
Graham told me that the dating scene has changed so much that he gets inundated with men wanting pictures for their profiles, as well as portrait shots. Men, whatever age, want to look their best. “Keep it real!” Graham informed me when giving tips for my shoot.
Do not ask for it to be Photoshopped so that you are an embryo. If you are a chunky, beer-bellied daddy, then do not take yourself down to a thin man. When you hook up it will just be one big disappointment. Equally, make sure that you prepare yourself in conjunction with your age when you are getting ready for the shoot.
Do not spray tan because the look can often be uneven, but do make sure that you are groomed well. Do not have a drastic haircut unless you plan to keep the look.
Lets all have Pride in who we are.
He says that it is vital that you stand out and . So, my first attempt at dating starts with a shoot undertaken by Graham, who rather nervously laughed and said, “You’re practically a chicken compared to some I shoot,” which put me at ease.
Many men do the Full Monty, but that’s not me. We settled for a taste of sexy, though, to be honest, it is not a natural feel. Forty-five minutes later and the photo shoot is complete. I love the results and my friends all rave about the final images.
Steven Smith (middle) with Chris Hamilton (left) and Shimi Goodman (right)
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐Rating: 5 out of 5
It is an almost unthinkable scenario that Liberace and Pavarotti had secret love children, let alone that those children went on to inherit their fathers’ talents!
Then they met one another, fell deeply in love and married. Well, you would be forgiven for thinking just that, as married couple Chris Hamilton (Piano) and Shimi Goodman (Tenor) take to the stage to perform to a sell-out audience of dedicated fans.
It is not that either look like Liberace or Pavarotti, of course. Far from it, their model-like good looks add to the pairs’ incredible stage presence. They do channel those great icons and more when you witness their sheer talent during the performance.
Hamilton is a classically trained piano player and songwriter, whose wit and style is from another era. It reminded me of why I love New York, often falling into off Broadway venues and The Village bars, and hearing some of the most incredible talent performing Jazz and classic Broadway tunes. Boy, do I miss that. Chris Hamilton brought it all back tonight.
Chris Hamilton (left) and Shimi Goodman (Tenor) (left)
Goodman has appeared in many West End shows and has a degree in musical theatre. He is at his very best when he seduces the audience with songs from Tosca and reduces them to tears with others. His range is exceptional and brought me to my feet more than once during the evening.
They brought the house down with a melody of James Bond Oscar winners. The pair do Adele, “Sky Fall”, Sam Smith, “Writing on the Wall”, and Billie Eilish, “No Time to die”.
If this is not enough, they also belt out musical theatre hits such as “Seasons of Love” from the production “Rent”. My favourite is “Losing my mind “from Follies.
Though Hamilton does not exude the campness of Liberace, he does have the show man
quality of the Vegas legend. I could not help but think that if there were a stage musical version of “Behind the Candelabra” (I hope there is!), the producers just found their man to play Liberace.
Being a gay man, what made the evening so special for me was watching a happily married gay couple look so in love and work together in harmony, without having to resort to clichés or innuendoes. They merely relied on their genuine incredible talent and professionalism.
It won’t cost you the sometimes dizzy-making prices of the West End to see the pair perform, but you will walk away thinking that you have seen one top show and want to go back again.
Steven Smith talks about trolls, the real affect they have on their victims and how trauma can affect us as LGBTQ people.
I started thinking about how, as a community, we could be kinder to each other. There are so many LGBT people (not all) that do not love themselves and that for sure can be unkind to other gay people.
You know what they say “what you don’t like in yourself” and all that. So why is this? Maybe it’s something to do with how we are treated by the rest of the world. As Ru Paul says, ‘If you can’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?’
Why was I thinking about this? Well, my year started on a sour note. It was not because all my usual New Year’s chums had gone to more exciting destinations and the thought of spending a fortune in town did not appeal to me.
RuPaul Charles
No, in fact, I had come to terms that it was going to be just me on my own on the balcony at midnight, enjoying a glass of bubbly as the bells chimed. I actually enjoyed it.
The reason was, that I had broken my rule on the last day of the year by accepting a Facebook friendship request without first cross-checking who they knew.
He looked nice and was proud to be a ‘Nice… boy’, and as many of my friends had a similar religious background, I accepted in good faith.
Around 12.45am, once the calls had stopped coming in from family and friends, I received a panicked message on Messenger; ‘Look at your Facebook page’. To my horror, below my profile picture was a comment from the new Facebook friend stating, ‘You dirty f…. gay you make sick to my stomach, hope you die.’
Then, under all the comments from my well-wishers at New Year, he had posted more horrendous messages. Many of my friends had noticed and offered their sympathy and outrage. Oh, and this new Facebook friend had also “poked” me into the bargain.
Obviously, I got the vile post removed asap and blocked the offender. An hour later, determined not to be a victim, I decided to report him. The culprit profile was gone. My first thought was how sad he must be to have kicked off the New Year with an attack on another human being – it sure was not going to affect me. Who would go to such bother as to set up a fake profile in order to post abuse?
There was a passing moment where I thought that perhaps someone who I had fallen out with had done this.
You know what they say, ‘sticks and stones will break your bones, but names will never hurt me’. There has never been a stupider saying; a scar can heal, but often the abuse of name-calling will last forever – just ask all the many people living with mental health issues.
Many of my friends have been abused by trolls and, despite publicly handling it well, there’s often another story behind closed doors. Being so open about my life, it was bound to happen to me at some point. So, to bed I went, determined to have a great 2019.
Yet later that day, it hit me and brought back thoughts of past bullying which kind of reignited some of the trauma from my childhood that had been pushed to the back of my mind, so I perhaps was not as tough as I thought.
Let’s face it – we sometimes look in the mirror and the reflection of the child you once were looks back at you. Often scared, wondering how this man or woman’s body we inhabit came to be, since inside you still feel the same as you did at school, only this thing called maturity has aged us. But we shake ourselves down, notice the lines and the sagging, and then remember we have responsibilities as adults and quickly come back down to earth.
The truth is, we never go far from the playground in life. There are often bullies at work, clique groups that you do not fit into, the pressure to perform well, and let us not forget, to ‘FIT IN’. For many people, the trauma from childhood can echo into their adult years. Nowhere is this more truthful than in the gay community. For everyone who has a positive coming out story, there is an avalanche of horror stories of gay people feeling full of guilt and depression about their lives after being rejected by their families and friends.
As we grow older, most of us who are LGBTQ learn coping mechanisms to deal with trauma and negativity, to become what appears to be grounded and amazing adults. There are exceptions, but who actually made us feel good about our sexuality to begin with?
Last year on Dr Pam’s radio show, I said that it would be great to get education to a stage where parents of LGBTQ kids were more worried who their teenagers were dating – ‘Is it someone nice?’, ‘Are they getting home safely?’, and most importantly, ‘Are they happy?’ – rather than ‘Where did it all go wrong?’
This is one of the main reasons that I signed up to the charity Diversity Role Models, an exciting organisation which goes into schools to talk and educate about LGBTQ. I wanted to share the story of my childhood and life with kids.
For those that don’t have coping strategies the reality can be quite daunting, with gay and bisexual men being four times more likely to attempt suicide than heterosexual men.
According to university research homophobia and negative views surrounding the lifestyles of gay and bisexual men is cited as one of the main contributing factors to the higher suicide attempt rate amongst the LGBTQIA+ community.
For young people, the gay scene can be far from a warm and safe environment to help with their self-esteem. Back in my day, the chicken hawks surrounded me, most with only one intention. I was a lucky one and some kind souls helped me. Plus, I quickly became streetwise after having learned to be self-sufficient at an early age.
Today the gay dating scene is moving more and more towards mobile apps. At a recent event to talk about chem-sex held by the dynamic Dave Stewart, the manager at the Dean Street Clinic, he explained that chem-sex is on the rise.
It was said that a young gay man arriving in London who subscribes to an app such as Grindr can expect that, by the third message he receives, there will be an invitation to a chem-sex party. Of course, these parties are also held in the heterosexual community, but they are having a more devastating effect on the gay community, with many deaths reported from these parties, not to mention rises in addiction, psychosis, and STDs.
Do gay men use drugs to cover up the guilt and shame that they are made to feel over their sexuality? Surely being in love and cherishing yourself and another person would be more empowering and self-gratifying?
Hello again!
I always believe that as long as it does not harm anyone or yourself, go for it. The rise of crystal meth and other so-called party drugs is not doing anyone any good. If you look across the pond to places like Fort Lauderdale in South Florida, the gay scene there has been ravaged by crystal meth – cases of meth addiction have doubled and deaths from the drug have risen by 80 per cent since 2014.
According to Dr David Fawcett, a Fort Lauderdale psychotherapist, most gay men using the drug did so in the hope of connecting better with other gay men, having been stigmatised and often shamed in their search for intimacy and safe relationships. Instead, they found the opposite from the drug. It is therefore far from a harmless pastime.
In 2019, let’s spend more time promoting loving yourself among the gay community.
From my years on the planet, I have found that some of the biggest homophobes can be gay men. It’s a fear of who they are, or who they really are. My experience is that men who are truly heterosexual have no problem with gay men; it’s the ones who have hidden away their true identity that have issues.
How many times have I wanted to scream when a gay man tells me “I only sleep with straight men”. Not only should they have a label attached to them, reading ‘DOES NOT PLAY WELL WITH OTHER GAY PEOPLE’, but they should also wear a T-shirt saying ‘DELUDED’.
Having eclectic friends, I tend not to go around with just groups of gay men. However, a few years ago while sitting in Soho House with five gay men, one boasted that he had sex with a straight Algerian taxi driver.
Another spoke about how he nearly got the boy in his theatre show, who is straight, into bed. I stood up and told them ‘If their cock is half way down your throat, they are not straight,’ and then left.
Yes, there are plenty of straight men that I fancy, Colin Farrell and Tom Hardy to name two, but I keep it real and have never entered a friendship with a straight man hoping to get his trousers off. I have more dignity than that. Keep it as fantasy in your head, like being Superman (or Supergirl, writes our editor).
Equally I have been in friendships with men who identify as straight that I thought saw me as just a guy and my sexuality did not matter but, on occasion, have been let down.
One friend messaged me to say they had booked a room for us at a hotel at an event we were attending adding “Mind you…separate beds”. First, I had never once showed interest in him sexually…nor would I. Luckily maturity made me brush it off though I did think “Fucking hell…as if!” But it all adds up to being made feel less about yourself.
Let’s not even talk about the line some gay men use – ‘straight looking’ – which points to a dislike of yourself as gay man.
Back in the early 80s, I was on Christopher Street in New York walking down to the Monster Bar. A gay pal gave me some advice; “You get in trouble, see those drag queens over there, scream “help” they will come running. Don’t bother with the clones and muscle Marys – they will go screaming back into the bar.”
Luckily for me the situation never arrived, but it just goes to show that the drag queens had to be more streetwise to be themselves and suffered more often in life, so for them, it was sink or swim, and those broads were as hard as nails, and as kind as could be too.
So, let’s just start by being kind and looking out for one another. Of course, just as in any community, we can’t all be best pals, but we can try and make a difference by being happy to be our true selves. Have a great 2019!
Welcome to more of Steven Smith’s Tales of a Middle-Aged Single Gay Man column
‘Fag hag’ is a gay slang phrase referring to women who associate exclusively with gay or bisexual men. But you knew that anyway, didn’t you?
Steven Smith
Now, I hate labels of any kind, but when a woman tells me “I love the gays” my toes curl. Even my nephew, when he was thirteen, was smart enough to not fall for that one.
“They are just like everyone else, good and bad”, he shrewdly pointed out. It’s funny in Ab Fab when Adina blurts out “all my friends are gay”. Oh, the irony.
However, the women that happily label themselves fag hags tend to flag up serious warning signs. I have heard it so many times: “other woman just don’t get me, but you and the gay guys do.”
This is usually followed by how she likes bad boys in bed. That’s nice for them. For me, I want to be liked as a person, not for my sexuality or a label.
Since my first time at a gay club in New York, the Limelight, I was aware of lots of very sexy women model types dancing. My friend told me: “they feel safe here. They can dance and not get hit on.”
It was not long before the straight men caught onto this and started frequenting the more glamorous gay venues. On one occasion, I was with a group of guys when a very hot girl walked straight up to us and said “so sad you are all gay. I would f*** the lot of you!”
A little voice piped up: “I am straight”. He was my pal who honestly leads the way in gay fashion but is 100% straight, though many men have tried their luck and a minute later found themselves in a taxi home.
Elizabeth Taylor. Wowza.
Elizabeth Taylor loved the company of gay men, from Rock Hudson to Tab Hunter and Montgomery Clift. She described them as her confidants.
Tallulah Bankhead, when she was not famously trying to sleep with gay men, preferred their company. Long ago, in the time of Mary Queen of Scots, Mary loved to quote the pretty men.
For me, I like people. It seems though by chance that many of my friends are female and quite glamorous and powerful. None of them would be described as fag hags.
In their company I still keep to the traditional male role that I am comfortable with: opening doors, walking on the right side of the path near the road, and even pulling the chair out. Though some of the women I know try to lead when dancing and even pull the chair out for me.
Now, despite having some pictures taken to join a dating website, somehow I am no further along, and the woman who I would call one of my rocks, Liz Branson, is on the phone from her New York office. She splits her time between there, Dubai and London.
“Have you done it?” she enquires. Trying to get off the subject, I ask when she is in London next. There is a pause:
“You haven’t“, she snaps with an air of annoyance. Then she almost commands “Jo Allen’s, Tuesday 9.30”. She does not wait to see if I am free and hangs up. But then texts ten minutes later (“If you are free can you book it?”).
Liz is great fun, but always right about everything and obsessive, sometimes to a point where you want to scream. That’s what makes her so successful, alluringly and fascinating.
She is also always late, arriving with some story, but the reality is it takes her half an hour to cover herself in body oil that makes her beautiful worked-out body glisten. That’s just the part of the beauty regime to go out.
So, despite having brass balls when it comes to business and breaking many high-level men, she still likes to be every part a high-maintenance woman.
Still from the Will & Grace show
She is my Grace, as in Will and Grace, the TV show. Now, it is a common mistake to presume that women “get” gay men just because they hang out with them. Even the woman who proclaims: “I am just a gay man trapped in woman’s body” can be shockingly naive.
One long-term friend of 36 who grew up around the LGBTQ community, recently pointed out on a theatre visit that the show we’d gone to see was a great one for me just because it had five youthful boys, scantily dressed, in the cast.
It did take me back. As pretty as they were they left me sexually cold. She must have noticed none of my boyfriends have been under 40.
My best gay mate would know that the male cast of Peaky Blinders or Colin Farrell would have me hot in my seat. But teen boys have as much effect as Dita Von Teese dancing – nice to watch. She was the same friend who once asked, “Why would you want to give head rather than take?”
This is the case with Liz, apart from one man who was straight when he lived with her and came out later, she really did not know any gay men until me.
I think she presumed we all came in a mould, as she was quick to dash into another relationship with a gay man who was in a rush to take her to gay bars and so on.
My opinion is it should be mutual, and I am happy in a predominately straight bar/club, but as it’s rare I am in a gay bar I tend to have dinner or go to events.
Liz rang me one night: “I am on Clapham Common”, she whispered down the phone. Enquiring if there was concert or some event, to my horror she replied, “no, I’m cruising with… Have you done this?” Really, I wanted to scream – this was a step too far. Needless to say, their relationship did not last when he tried to seduce Liz’s then-husband.
But it was not the first time that I heard of women going cruising with gay men. My former lady boss was once in a Freedom cab (a gay taxi company) when the driver said he was going to Hampstead Heath to drop condoms off by a tree in the cruising area.
She jumped: ‘Oh, I have been there.” Some of her gay pals had taken her. This phenomenon had passed me by. One, I don’t cruise – it’s scary, and broadminded as I am, why would you take a woman?
Well, Liz is late as usual. She has texted several times, blaming the Uber driver, a lion escaping from Regents Park zoo, and a fire at the local orphanage.
But when she arrives she’s looking spectacular, and the whole restaurant turn their heads to look at her. Liz runs her hands through her thick red hair, passes, and waves enthusiastically.
She has just become a vegan, and was difficult enough in restaurants before, but this is taking it to a whole new level. Once, after sending an omelette back four times, famously I took a picture of her perfect omelette and gave it to the waiter the next day, much to her annoyance. It’s just one of the things that make her amusing.
But back to the evening. Only one waiter and chef have resigned since Liz has placed her order – kidding. My suggestion that I nip to Tesco’s and get the soya sauce she wants so badly goes down like a lead balloon as she has everyone fussing over her.
There is quick chat about the gorgeous executive she went skinny dipping with in Dubai and how fantastic he was in bed. Do I think 15 years age difference is too much?
Followed by she really is still into 50 shades of Darryl, a man she met at a conference and had the best sex ever with, but had turned out to be an asshole and who I hate hearing about for the 90th time.
The nice thing about Liz is she is not an energy vampire and likes to hear about you. But it’s the subject that’s not top of my list – my ‘love life’.
She is convinced that my best pal and I should be together and that why I am not with anyone? The problem many people don’t get is you can have a purely platonic relationship when you’re gay with another gay man.
Of course, I love my best mate, but have no plans to marry him. Losing track of how many times that I have told her ‘NO!!’, I tell Liz that’s it, I’ll ask him to marry me next week.
There is a scream and she wants to order champagne. Liz’s face quickly drops when it’s pointed out it’s a tease. Well, I am sure it would have if she hadn’t had Botox two weeks before.
The subject is dropped, and we have lots of laughs and drinks, until she announces we are going to Old Compton Street for after-drinks. “Why?” I ask. Apparently, she loves GAY and the music.
But my gut feeling is that she is very kindly obsessing about finding me a fella. My suggestion of our usual after-venue, Radio Bar, is met with a blank. Realising that she is doing something Liz thinks will be good for me, we take off.
There is no queue to get into GAY, but it is busy, and Liz wastes no time in turning into Cilla Black after getting a drink, and my heart falls as she starts randomly talking to men; all of course adore her right away. “Who do you like?” she shouts above the music.
Liz introducing me to random men to reject me leaves me feeling like a rabbit in the headlights. “I’ll be discreet”, she bellows.“I’m all good, thanks” and hug her.
Liz starts dancing with some colourful drag queens and shouts “I’m a gay icon!” Of course they all agree. Much as there is room for interpretation, Madonna or Judy she isn’t, but for that night she was. It was so kind of her to care.
Flushed with her success at GAY, she wants to explore more, so we head to a bar on Rupert Street, as a friend of mine is there anyway. Her one-woman show goes down well there, too.
I have already briefed her that my American pal is a friend, and not to think about bringing up whether we are dating or anything of that nature. She thinks he’s too young anyway, so I am off the hook.
Liz is now befriending the handsome doorman, who turns out to be heterosexual and married. He waves me over. “Why don’t you take your girlfriend somewhere she can meet a man?” My reaction was to smile. “She wanted to come here, not me.”
Besides, who says she would not meet a fella there? My sister had a holiday romance in Key West with a man who managed a gay club, and one lady friend married a bar man who worked in one.
Liz and I are still happily single, but watch this page for more tales.
Steven is a published author, regular radio guest and has a monthly column in MilliOnAirMagazine.
In the 70s and 80s dinner parties were a regular thing. With shows like “Come dine with me” and the rise in costs of eating out, dinner parties are making a huge come back.
Though some still entertain at venues outside the home such as restaurants, there is nothing more intimate and fun than having a group of friends or interesting people at your home for a private dinner party.
But as much as a good host can make it a terrific night to remember, the wrong recipe for an evening can make for a bad dinner party that can have your guests talking for weeks to come for the wrong reasons.
When you are holding a dinner party for those who are wine connoisseurs or food gourmets, the dinner conversation will be primarily about both food and drink.
Believe it or not the best dinner parties do not always revolve around either. Although putting on a nice show that does not have you locked in the kitchen away from your guests is indeed a good idea.
In fact, at one of the most amusing dinner parties I attended, the hostess (who was not known for her cooking and often took people out for dinner) called me a week before to invite me over to see her new kitchen and dine.
The day after she phoned, “Darling, would you do your marvellous chicken fajitas on Friday?” I asked if she was doing potluck (when everyone brings a course) as fajitas do not travel too well.
There was a silence and then she continued, “Oh I thought you could cook?” I responded with, “No, it is your turn” and I hung up! Arriving at her stunning Hampstead home on the Friday to see the table beautifully set and the new oven lit, I was suitably impressed.
The hostess had that ‘pleased with herself’ look written all over her face as in fairness, this was not her forte. Wine flowed and nibbles were served but one and half hours later no food had been served.
Looking at the oven the chicken was still as raw as it was on a Waitrose shelf. “My love, is the oven actually working?” I gently enquired. Another hour and we were no further along. The hostess declared that the new oven was faulty and called for Chinese.
We laughed and put the world to rights until two thirty in the morning and it was just an amazing night. Topped off by the call on the Tuesday that when the repair man arrived the diagnosis was, she had simply not turned the oven on!
I could not help but ask when she was auditioning for “Come Dine with me”. She had so many strengths but cooking was not one so how was she was going to compete? “Darling, you’re coming over and doing it for me.”
However, for the run of the mill dinner party, if you are not having food delivered, do not cook something that keeps you in the kitchen half the night or that is not tried and tested.
Your guests have come to see you socially, not see you stressing in the kitchen. It is a good idea to pre-cook as much as you can beforehand.
Always check what your guests eat. At one dinner I went to they served an enormous piece of goat’s cheese to start with; I would honestly suck someone’s feet rather that eat that.
I did the trick of eating and not chewing rinsing it down with water. Every time I looked back at the plate it seemed no smaller. Eventually the host noticed and I had to admit I could eat no more.
They looked less than impressed. It is a good idea to have some eggs or a vegan option on standby just in case a guest has not been forthcoming with their dietary needs.
What really brings a dinner party together is the company. Years ago, a socialite who was an expert at entertaining shared some tips. Never bring the same type of people together.
Lady X would be much more interested in sitting next to an up and coming artist than another socialite. Invite those that sing for their supper as they are interesting, amusing, can tell a good story or know about the latest in style, books or theatre.
Bringing five actors together unless they are in the same production could spell disaster as they try and outdo each other.
Being a good host is more than just checking everyone is eating and topping the wine up. It is making sure all your guests are enjoying themselves and get to speak.
We have all been there when that narcissist is dominating the conversation: even when they stop, they manage to jump straight back in to make the evening about them.
As a host it is your job to intercept, giving others who are not so forward a chance to speak by asking questions about books, films, theatre productions or art, anything that might interest them. As a good host, pushing the evening to be controversial is a bad idea.
Sure, a great debate with people you are sure about can make for an interesting evening, but do not go out of your way to do this as it could potentially end your night on a sour note. Other topics to stay clear of are age, weight, salaries and politics.
One evening at a dinner I was hosting one guest said to another, “You know when we get to our age it all needs a little lift, but I love my forties”. The guest was livid, “I am 32!” she cried, getting up and excusing herself.
Let the conversation flow and, unless you’re lucky enough to have a great orator for the night such as Stephen Fry, make sure everyone gets to talk. Please do not be that Machiavellian host who starts the night off with, “So who voted for Brexit?!”
A bad dinner party, and one I will remember for a very long time, had all those wrong ingredients. We went out to eat so the food was good for some of us. There were quite a few of us dining that evening.
It started off badly; prior to our arrival someone I love reprimanded one of the other guests joining us for running late. This caused me great amusement as “Pot, Kettle, Black,” jumped to mind.
They were the last person who should be reprimanding anyone for being late as they had never been on time ever in all the years I’d known them. Me pointing this fact out caused offence and they were still seething as we arrived at the dinner.
The host Mark, though lovely and amusing, wanted to talk about one topic: a certain lady whom we will refer to as ‘Alice’. He and Alice were once close, but no more, and that obviously made her a target.
Now I love a gossip and to hear who is doing what to whom and all the news. It can make for an amusing part of the evening. Everyone says, “Steven knows all the gossip”, but those that know me will tell you I never name names and I mostly just tell amusing stories. I am educated enough to entertain without using gossip.
For those that knew ‘Alice’, this monologue of indiscretions and faults seemed to be keeping them entertained. All that was missing was ‘Alice´s’ corpse as she was being verbally hacked to death.
An hour later our host was still talking about himself and ‘Alice’, only interrupted by “let’s get another round in” and the slight amusement as a guest starter was sent back for the third time.
Our host was blissfully unaware that some of the guests were looking at their phones and one gestured “Come sit with me!” My suggestion, that now we had ascertained ‘Alice’ was a c— , perhaps we should not give over our time to her, was met with a harsh “Mark is talking sssh!” I would have walked out at that point but I was staying with one of the guests.
Just as I thought the evening could not get worse, a very late guest arrived who I will nickname the cuckoo as she had replaced Alice in Mark´s affection.
For a brief time she talked about one of my other least favourite subjects: Diet. Then talk moved straight back to ‘Alice’ in which the cuckoo revelled.
All that toxic energy being thrown around was making for a very unpleasant dinner experience. Our host was a very smart man but certainly no Oscar Wilde or comedian, and was only aware of his own voice.
Luckily, I was smoking so there were some breaks. I got a text from a guest which simply said “help!” as they were so bored. It is so important that everyone gets a chance to talk, and you ask other questions, so they are included, but there was no chance of that happening at that particular dinner.
This is my last tip when entertaining: much as we are all adults, if you are hosting drinkers, arrange for them to stay over somewhere if they are driving, or book a cab: there are even companies that send someone on a bike to drive your car home.
As you pour that last tequila shot you do not want to hear that one of your guests was in an accident on the way home. Happy dining!
“Life was hard for me growing up. I did not fit in at school. The birth of glam rock, such as Marc Bolan and Bowie, offered a light for me and I started to emulate the dress sense”” David Hoyle
Taking a friend see the genius that is David Hoyle (a friend who was a virgin to the experience) raised the question, “What does he do?” As David appeared in all his glory at the landmark LQBTQ+ venue, The Royal Vauxhall Tavern, the natural presumption was that he was a drag queen. No, I explained, he most definitely is not. If Lindsay Kemp and Kate Bush had a child and then asked Frank-N-Furter to be the godfather, David would probably be that child.
David is billed as an avant-garde performance artist, singer and actor but that is still not an adequate description of his unique talents. David stands out from the minute he steps on to the stage; he is a vessel of extraordinary light. His light talks to you in a way you could never train an artist to recreate. He may arrive in a variety of costumes, ranging from the grotesque to glamorous diva meets Bowie. No outfit or stage persona could ever hide the fact that David has incredible empathy towards others, especially his audience. He exposes a sensitivity most people would be afraid to show (especially being British!).
David Hoyle and Christeene
David is, however, not afraid to say what he thinks. For many of his loyal and eclectic audience, he is saying what they have been thinking all week but have not had the nerve to say. A David Hoyle show has you thinking and talking for days afterwards, even if you have not agreed with his views. His wit and one-liners, mixed with his art and vocal talents, make a David Hoyle show a roller coaster of a night. When asking an audience member “What do you do for a living?” they replied, “I do what you do”. “Really?” replied Hoyle, “I had no idea I was generic”.
I was a later bloomer to the world of Hoyle. I came to know him when he married American drag queen, singer and artist, Christeene (African Mayonnaise) on stage at The Vauxhall Tavern. A quick Google search led to his brilliant duet with Boy George – Spoiling it for the Others. Hoyle comes across in the video as what Rue Paul’s gals would call a “Fierce Queen” – not to be messed with and someone you would not want to get on the wrong side of. His talents were crystal clear.
David Hoyle and Christeene
Two months later, I came straight from a long-haul flight to meet actress Denise Welch at the Ivy Club for the preview launch of Linda Riley’s DIVA Awards show. One glass in and standing next to me was the man himself. His huge eyes were far from being fierce and instead exuded a kindness, which was confirmed months later through his actions. He stood on the stage at the Bethnal Green Working Man’s Club with no make-up, baring his soul to the audience about his hometown, Manchester. He spoke about the atrocity of the Manchester Arena bombing. David started the speech by telling us that he did not want to cancel the show as the terrorists would then be winning. Anyone there that night will remember his words forever.
I caught up with him on a grey Manchester day for my Christmas interview.
David, what would you do if you were made the Mayor of London for one day?
Steven, it is time we all started thinking out of the box and letting our hair down. It has been a terrible year. Perhaps we should all take some psychedelic drugs and get loved up – like they did in the 60s. We can look after one another and just feel great for one day.
How has being isolated affected you as an artist? Have you been in quarantine on your own?
Well, I have not exactly been alone. We had rats in the kitchen in the beginning! To be honest, I have not enjoyed it at all. It certainly has affected the mental health of many people I know. For me, I can enjoy my own company, but obviously, as a human being used to performing, isolation does start to catch up with you. The breaking point came for me when Dominic Cummings did the Durham dash and got away with it. It felt like one rule for them and one for us.
Who were your early influences?
I grew up in Blackpool, and a birthday treat was to go to Tower Circus. All the glamour of the women in sequins and feathers was sheer escapism. The sheer magic and genius of [clown] Charlie Caroli was such escapism for me.
Dame Shirley Bassey was also a huge influence on me; her glamour and command of the stage is simply stunning.
Life was hard for me growing up. I did not fit in at school. The birth of glam rock, such as Marc Bolan and Bowie, offered a light for me and I started to emulate the dress sense. The punk scene really offered me an avenue to express who I was. The Buzzcocks and lead singer Pete Shelley were among my favourites, as well as the Sex Pistols.
How do you feel the gay scene has changed in the last decade? Has your audience changed?
To be honest, I do not go out that much on the gay scene. If I do go out, it is to see another artist. I am incredibly proud of how the Manchester scene has produced acts like Cha Cha Boudoir and Cheddar Gorgeous. My own audience remains eclectic; you really could not define who comes to my show. There can be city bankers mixed in with club kids to Blitz royalty. It has certainly changed with the apps and other ways of meeting people. But I could not handle the rejection of things like that.
What would you like to happen to you in 2021?
For me, I would like to be back in the theatre. I had a sell-out at the Soho Theatre and would like to go back there. I was working on a production of Hedda Gabler at the Edge Hill University in Lancashire, and it was going to be filmed. It would be great to see that happen.
Of course, I would love to appear in Brighton or at the Spiegeltent for the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.
How are you spending Christmas?
With a friend at home in Manchester. It will be a quiet one.
Do you have a favourite Christmas movie? What are your three favourite movies of all time?
Is Oliver a Christmas Movie? Then Oliver it is! I would have loved to play Oliver, and who can forget the hunky Oliver Reed? I would love to have had a night out with him. Then Hello Dolly with Barbra Streisand. The Red Shoes is pure magic, and the film If with Malcolm McDowell.
If you were to hold a dream dinner party, which four people, alive or dead, would you invite and why?
That’s such a hard question because there are so many people I would love to invite. In case of offending any friends, I will keep it to famous people. Princess Margaret would be at the top of my list. She smoked, and I love that and can imagine the stories she would tell at dinner. Grace Jones would be another guest; she fascinates me and is so talented. Then Bonnie Greer, the playwright, and to top it off, Madonna, who I just love. It would be quite a party.
Do you feel that, as a nation, we have become too PC?
Well, it feels we are in danger of not being able to laugh at ourselves. People are starting to be afraid to deliver humour in the context it is intended, in case it offends anyone. Some of the comedy giants of the past would, for sure, not be allowed today. Let’s take humour in the spirit it was meant to be.
Who would you like to play you in a movie of your life and why?
Cary Elwes – he starred alongside Rupert Everett in Another Country. There is something captivating about him. Or, who knows, Sandra Bernhard.
QUIXKFIRE ROUND.
Favourite food?
Fruit and Fibre from Morrisons Super Market (I am not big of food).
Madonna or Nina Simone?
Oh, you’re kidding me. Both are wonderful.
London or New York?
Anywhere but here right now. Both have different attributes.
Hi all! My name is Heidi and I am really looking forward to be part of 2Shades Magazine.
As their new agony aunt, I can’t wait to answer your issues and problems!
Picture Credit: Behance
I am a counseller/therapist working in private practice in London, I find people fascinating and I just love helping people.
I have worked with the public for over 30 years so hit me up with all your worries and dilemmas and I will do my best to help!
Dear Heidi,
Love the column. My problem is I am at my second year of Uni and Trans. This term I intend to return as Brendan, my true male self. I have seen a doctor and I am making plans to start transitioning. Being the quintessential butch dyke, this won’t come as shock to my uni mates. But Mum and Dad say if I do that is the final straw and that will be me cut off. They fund my education and lifestyle. Heidi, I am miserable as Kim but as Brendan I feel amazing and who I want to be. What can I do to change my parents’ minds?
– Brendan, Manchester
Hello Brendan,
Great to hear from you and I wish you all the best with your transition. Sadly, you are not alone; it’s not just parents, but friends and those around you accepting you becoming your authentic self. Still parents struggle with their kids being gay, or making choices that they have not dictated or hoped for. However, many parents change their minds once they see you are happy. Your parents love you I am sure, and it can be difficult for them. Please do not overreact and have a little empathy that they are finding it difficult.
Try once things have calmed down to reapproach them. Tell them how unhappy you are and how long you have felt like this. Next look at family counselling if your parents agree to attend. Seek some advice from the support group Mermaids. More importantly, if your parents do cut you off, you may need to look at other ways to stand on your own and fund your education. You do not want to be told that who you are is wrong by anyone, let alone the ones that love you; it will take a strain on your mental health. https://mermaidsuk.org.uk/parents/
Love, Heidi.
Dear Heidi,
I do not know if you have been watching” Heartstopper”? Well my latter school years were just like that. I was Charlie and my Nick was the captain of the football team and from the moment we met we did more than kiss. Honestly my last year at school was a dream and my Nick (Alex) was a hero and so good looking. We are going to the same Uni, and it has a LGBTIQQ group we both joined. Alex almost right away slept with two guys from it.
Let’s not start with our nights out in Brighton. He says he still loves me but needs to explore and that I should do the same. One guy said that I would never have stood a chance of getting Alex if it had not been a school fling as he is out of my league. That really upset me but he said it was just a reality check. I am so in love with Alex, what can I do Heidi?
– Howard, Brighton
Still from the Netflix show, Heartstopper. Picture Credit: USA Today
Darling Howard,
Don’t we all just love “Heartstopper”? Now, deep breath Howard. Heidi is going to give you a reality check: “Heartstopper” is a wonderful show, however it does not necessary reflect real life. Not just gay relationships but straight ones do not last the test of time once you leave. It sounds like you are a romantic. Alex wants to spread his wings and, like many young people, experiment and sleep around. You are getting hurt my love, chasing after Alex.
There are others around that want romance so maybe to look for someone who will treat you the way you deserve. As for Alex being out of your league, some of the loneliest people Heidi has met are models or drop dead gorgeous. They just want love and someone to see them for more than looks. How dare someone tell you he is out of your league! The universe will find someone for you, but it may be Alex is not good enough for you. Try and enjoy your time at Uni.
Love, Heidi.
Dear Heidi,
Hope all is ok with you. I went to art college last year and almost right away made a group of new friends. They are all super talented and love to party. Before college I never drank but almost overnight the pier pressure meant I was waking with a hangover too often. Then the drugs crept in, just at weekends at first. Last term I was doing coke almost every other day with one of the new friends who is loaded. My question is I do not want go back this term and do the same thing: I found myself looking for coke this summer and I am sure I have a problem. But I do not want to lose my friends so what can I do?
– Melinda -Epping
Dear Melinda,
Drugs do not make a real friend. You are on such a slippery slope if you are not already there, they will be destroying your life and education. All this in order to find acceptance amongst a group of people you really only have just met? Trust Heidi, there is a very good chance you won’t even know these peers in a few years. You mention they have money, so they are supplying the drugs.
What a mess you’re going to be in if they walk away: they are still wealthy whilst you are left with an addiction issue. Please get help now, even transfer from this school. Maybe look at going to an A.A or N.A meeting in your area or talk to someone you trust. Please, only you can save yourself so make some wise choices for a happy future. https://na.org
2Shades Magazine 