My graduation day, I was so happy it was over but I had no idea that what was coming would transform my life
Let’s talk about the courage it takes as an immigrant student to settle down in a different country.
Having an overseas graduate degree is surely a badge of honour but it doesn’t even begin to encapsulate the mental strength it takes to feel like you belong.
When I came to the UK to do my masters, I hardly knew what to expect. I was mesmerised by the lush scenery and the landscape of the country.
I was intrigued by the way people communicated with each other. The politeness made me feel safe but it took me a while to readjust my tone.
I discovered my knowledge of English (which I’ve studied since I was a child) was so different from the way natives speak the language.
It was fascinating to learn but I must say that there is an invisible dialect barrier that can sometimes be confusing.
While my mind thinks in 3-4 different languages and the emotions that come with it, a native English speaker carries the simplicity of the one language they’ve mastered since birth.
Isn’t Richmond Park in London just breathtaking?
I thought about it and realised, wait a minute, I’m in England right now, they speak English here. This is THEIR language. Of course they’ll have more of a command over it than I ever will. To them, I will always be multilingual even though technically, English is my first language too.
Once I set my pride of knowing a deluxe version of the language aside, I observed the different mannerisms, lifestyles and attitudes people from all backgrounds have towards life.
This is where the hard part took over, it all went downhill really quickly but eventually, I made it to the summit of change.
Growing up, I was pampered and kept away from chores and cleaning for most of my life.
This is a typical household situation for any middle-class family in India, I was not a princess. I certainly felt like it was a princess treatment when I got to DIY-England though.
As a student, trying to comprehend a new education system coupled with the responsibility of cooking and cleaning for myself, I hate to say it but it was not easy.
It was like being thrown into an ocean after being in a hot-spring my entire life. However, I never complained, thankfully whining is not a part of my gene. And I understood that someday I will have to learn these tasks anyway so I may as well do it now. It’s just wild deep diving into it for the first time with no practice.
A lot of growth took place for me in learning these experiences. I celebrated when I cooked my first ever chicken curry, I cried when I had to deep clean my room after a soul-sucking assignment.
The introduction of these building blocks towards adulthood at the age of 23 was daunting at first. But when I finally got to see the results of my labour and looked outside my window, I realised I had made it.
I refused to let the challenges of being on my own in a new country, meeting new people and graduating consume me. I allowed this new way of living to consume and empower me instead.
Day by day I was evolving into a person I hardly recognised but in the greatest way. It wasn’t just about being in the UK or finishing my masters, it was about saying yes to turning over a new leaf in the plot of my own life, irrespective of where I was.
When it comes to attitudes, I sat in the observer’s seat for quite a while. To understand the kind of connections I would make with such a diverse crowd.
I honestly felt deeply lonely for the first year after university and living in an intimidating city like London.
I would still take myself on dates, solo-trips, museums, parks and movies. I tried the hyper-independent lifestyle for a while but at some point, everyone needs companionship.
My solo trip to Cornwall
And it’s not like I haven’t tried, they just never seemed to stick. I’d reach out to them on their socials the next day and they never replied.
I would assume the worst and think they didn’t want an Indian friend, they didn’t find me interesting enough or that they probably forgot my existence.
Whatever the reason was, I just found it odd how I know their childhood traumas and how I’m just one of their Instagram followers now.
I developed a radar over time as to who has had more exposure to people of different nationalities in their intimate circles.
I’ve encountered situations where people would pick up on my accent and put me in a box for a one-time interaction and say, “You’re from India aren’t you?” and I would never see them again.
I’ve encountered people who mean well when they say, “Oh I’ve had these Indian friends who I absolutely loved, incredible food!” and then I’d never see them again.
But I’ve also encountered people who say nothing at all about where I’m from and deeply engage in human conversations that thrill me (finally). I learn something new, they learn something new and I would think they’d be added as a new friend and yet, I’d never see them again.
I found it strange and it almost made me believe that something was wrong with me.
I could consider some of it as ignorance and the others as unlucky encounters but no, that was easy, something felt off.
It wasn’t in these self-deprecating explanations that I found my answer. The answer was in my passion and the purpose behind why I came here in the first place.
I reflected on the emotional and physical investment of me walking the roads of a foreign land.
I took my worries and doubts to therapy so I could tilt the arrow from external validation of belonging to the internal awareness of recognising my own talents and potential.
The seeds I wanted to plant in this country weren’t just about the exciting, free and eventful life I wanted to live in London.
I wanted to blossom into a version of myself that was intentional about the direction I was taking towards the four pillars of my life, career, finances, health and love.
The more energy I spent on self-development, the more I attracted people who fell in support of that alignment.
No matter the nationality, race, gender and sexuality, they were lovely souls who came in the form of angels to push me higher in my elevation.
These angels are the reason I am able to sustain the foundation I’ve built in a new country. A foundation for self-love, building meaningful connections and taking a positive approach towards my dreams.
There’s an air of inspiration that I start to breathe whenever I meet people who tell me stories about their relationship with hard work. When they share their equations of how they deal with the four pillars of their lives.
It became crucial for me to understand that not everyone has the same journey. The concept of hard work is not linear and I had to decode the ego I attached with my definition of it and be empathic towards other definitions.
It truly is enriching when I look back and see how far I’ve come to recognise myself and remind myself to cherish the small victories.
My homeland India provided the canvas for my dreams. The UK gave me the tools I needed to paint the vision for it. But it’s me who gets to play around with the colours and wave the brush to be the creator of my own life.
The idea has left me not just stirred, but shaken.
It is time to put the brakes on the more extreme woke and cancel culture, otherwise I predict that we will soon see an enormous backlash against some of the minority groups in our country.
Some more extreme activists undo the hard work, sacrifices, and tireless fighting of the many heroes of the LGBTQ+ community which gave us the rights we have now.
When I first heard the news that there could be a gender-neutral James Bond, all I could think was “NO!”. James Bond was created by the writer Ian Fleming. The character studied at Cambridge University, where he achieved a first in Oriental Languages. In Fleming’s novels, Bond alluded to briefly attending the University of Geneva (as did Fleming) before being taught to ski in Kitzbühel.
His character is rumoured to be based on Sir William Stephenson. In fact, Fleming’s first choice actor to play James Bond was David Niven. It is documented that Fleming was less than impressed by Sean Connery playing what he called a glorified stunt man who used to drive a lorry. What the character was certainly not was trans, gender-neutral or a woman.
We do not need to rewrite the classics to force inclusion. Instead, we need to positively and proactively introduce strong gay characters into new films, television series and cartoons.
Boarding school
True, in “Skyfall,” Daniel Craig’s Bond hints that he may have tried sleeping with a man (it was almost cut). Let’s face it, while the character may be fictional, he did go to boarding school, so it is a plausible possibility. Craig is considered the closest actor to Fleming’s original description of Bond in the first novel. Casino Royale was published in 1953, with a further 11 novels making up the series.
According to the book, Bond was a womaniser, a man’s man. Rather the antithesis of a gay or gender-neutral person. He embodied, for the most part, what heterosexual men aspire to be, next to being a footballer or sports star. If the woke mob were sensible, they would leave well alone and leave this classic macho character to be just that.
There is, for sure, room for LGBTQ+ superheroes or villains on mainstream television or in films. It is important that everyone is given roles to give exposure to all communities. But this needs to be positive exposure, done with tact and not at the expense of “the other side”.
Lesbian Snow White
I do not want a lesbian Snow White. Nor do I want a socially challenged Queen with narcissism issues carrying a fair-trade organic apple. Or Cinderella, who obviously lost the shoe because she was drunk, being transformed into Buttons, who lost his shoe while getting ready for Ru Paul’s Drag Race. Or Indiana Jones and the Last Top on Old Compton Street. Leave them alone!
Sure, many of us in the LGBTQ+ community did not have role models growing up and those of us who grew up in the 70s and 80s can thank God for Bowie and T-Rex, Boy George and Quentin Crisp!
We do not need to rewrite the classics to force inclusion. Instead, we need to positively and proactively introduce strong gay characters into new films, television series and cartoons. Netflix recently released “Single All The Way,” which was a brave attempt at exposing general audiences to gay characters with a sense of normality – just a typical rom-com where the main characters just happened to be gay (it’s a shame though that Jennifer Coolidge could not save that turkey!). But, as my sister says, heterosexuals have to endure Hallmark. It is only fair we have a bad movie too.
Joan Collins
The last thing we need is to start to attack something that is seen as masculine or feminine and try to turn what is seen as a heterosexual character into an LGBTQ+ character. If the heterosexual community thinks we are attacking them, we are in trouble as fear has caused more wars in history – that is what will happen if we attack their foundation.
Why do we need to do this when so many of our community are such heroes?
Joan Collins has so eloquently expressed that cancel culture is a problem, but so are extremists in the LGBTQ+ community. Trust me: we have a huge backlash approaching as extremism in any group is not a good thing. All the incredible work so many in the community have dedicated themselves to accomplishing to fight for our community rights can quickly be undone. We are already seeing this unravelling – homophobic hate crimes have trebled in the UK this year…and that’s just crime that is reported.
Mermaids
Talking, not arguing, is the way forward. Recently, I had the pleasure of having drinks with two friends. The topic of trans children came up. I know many trans activists who think children should wait until they are 18 years old to start treatment but are frightened to say so in case they are cancelled or abused on social media. I was wondering what the author’s perspectives were, and the conversation quickly went quiet.
So, we moved on. Later in a very entertaining hour or so, the subject of Mermaids, the charity for trans children and their parents. It turned out that one of the groups had been involved with the charity. I asked if they had gone quiet before as the subject had offended them. They said no: they just said they didn’t want an argument. The statement “I do not argue, I merely correct” sprung to mind as they said this, and it made me realise that different perspectives within the LGBTQ+ community may not be heard.
We need to calmly listen to one another, as we still have a lot to learn. Thanks to the conversations I have had, I have learned a different point of view and, that night, I started to look into Mermaids and find out about how they help trans kids who need support through what, for many, is a difficult and often traumatic experience.
The LGBTQ+ community is still under attack every day. Like all wars, a good strategy is a key factor in survival. Education in schools is essential – using positive role models and making kids feel safe who do not fit the masculine or feminine stereotypes. This is still going to take time, understanding, and some amazing people to give a strong voice to this community. This is NOT going to be achieved by trying to rewrite classic characters, as this will only antagonise those not affiliated with the community.
If we do not box clever, one day, we could wake up to someone ruling the world that will make Trump look like a fairytale character. Just think back to 1933 when a failed artist persuaded an entire nation to turn against minorities. Let’s not be naive and think it could not happen again.
Hero or villain? Steven Smith looks at what it takes to be the man who has everyone talking, the heavyweight boxing champion of the world, Tyson Fury.
A hero to the poor with his charitable donations to the homeless, a champion for mental health and the self-proclaimed ‘King of the Gypsies’.
Tyson standing at 6’9” embodies all that can be labelled as masculine, yet unlike many hard men, this giant breaks the mould. He has started to wear his heart on his sleeve and has opened up, talking frankly of his demons, depression, and personal battles with addiction.
Tyson also adds to the list that he is bipolar and suffers from anxiety. But is it possible that the man of the moment, who is so desperate for the world to perceive him as super masculine is still, as his father John Fury described him, a shy and sensitive overweight boy inside? Was it this shy boy that begged for the acceptance of his boxing coach father?
Was it his unconventional gypsy upbringing that pushed him into a mould of boxing and masculinity, which subsequently became the root of Tyson’s demons and depression? Is it the often toxic masculinity that is piled on to so many young men during their upbringing, the cause of his trauma and mental health issues later in life?
Now, I like Tyson Fury. He is fascinating, and from the minute he burst on to our screens, I was aware of him. There was something that made me want to stop and listen; he appeared to be a model hero on paper. His smile lights up the screen, and his enthusiasm for life makes me want to know more. Then there is the unconditional love that he has for his family, which simply melts your heart.
“The best part of my life is taking my kids to school. I could live in a cardboard box and eat cheese sandwiches, as long as my family is with me“.
Tyson tells us though it is doubtful that his gorgeous wife Paris, who he has been with since they were teenagers, would ever let it come to that. She is one shrewd cookie and lives like a footballer’s wife rather than a gypsy though you can’t imagine Victoria Beckham arriving in Vegas and going straight in to do David’s dirty dishes.
But of course, once it was pointed out that this man, who I would want on my team in any battles, did not just have traditional values but what some might consider downright prehistoric values, I was speechless.
Unbelievably, in 2015, in an interview on TheJeremy Vine show, with gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell, he compared gays to paedophiles, claiming that homosexuality is “One of the three things that will lead to the apocalypse; the other two being abortion and paedophilia”.
Even his younger brother Love Island star Tommy seems to have taken the anti-gay stance On a now disabled Twitter account, Tommy tweeted his older brother, Tyson, allegedly stating “Come on bro, let’s get dis win good luck brother and Chisora is a f***** and he’s gettin it proper @TysonFury”.
In 2018 he was nominated for Sports Personality of the Year, yet his homophobic comments and derogatory sex views came back to haunt him, with calls to remove him and comments made including:
“So, when Tyson Fury is called the people’s champion, it begs the question: which people?”
Challenged about his views by one reporter, he sat in his van replying “Jesus loves you”.
Tyson has since apologised for his outburst and controversial views.
Were these Tyson’s views or were they opinions that had been drummed into him from an early age by someone else? Or was it a culture of growing up in the gypsy community, not known to embrace and welcome gay people among their tribe?
Fellow gypsy fighter, Billy Joe Saunders says, “Where we come from, if you show weakness, you might as well give up on life as a fighter”. It’s a world where men fought, and women, as quoted by Tyson himself, were ‘best flat on their back or in the kitchen’.
Tyson comes from a world where LGBTQ is stamped on with ferocity. Anyone who has read ‘Gypsy Boy’ by Mikey Walsh will find it not only a harrowing experience but a moving and humorous one too. Brilliantly written, it tells the story of a gay boy brought as a Romanian and unable to conform to his expectations of masculinity. The description of the brutality he suffered, at the hand of his father, as the reader, stained the pages with my tears.
Yet, at the end of the book, his father unexpectedly turned up to see Walsh, now a teacher, despite the violence
Could growing up in a tightly knit community with some values and beliefs that are from a by-gone age, be like other, almost closed communities or cults and brainwash their young?
Tyson appears to be an intelligent man, embracing all that life has to offer, in a way an old soul that could see that the bright lights of Hollywood or Vegas could not compare to his roots in Morecambe, or make him any happier for that matter.
“From the age of six, all I ever dreamed of was being a boxer, now I have it all; I am the greatest boxer in the world yes, I have sinned, suffered from depression and anxiety, and I am bipolar”, he tells viewers.
Tyson does not have it all; regrettably, he does not have good mental health, something money or fame can’t replace.
His dad, John Fury, is not a likeable character; there is something a little sad about him, almost broken, floored and in denial. He tells us that Tyson’s mental health has been impacted due to being so successful and mixing with millionaires and celebrities.
There is something that screams ‘pushy show biz mum’ about him. That statement about his son confirmed my suspicions; that he would like very much to have been Tyson.
“I am sure that I have depression but, in my day, we had to worry about keeping a roof over my family’s head and food on the table, there was no time to think of any of that”.
I am sure at heart he loves his son, but he displays little understanding or empathy for mental health issues. To be fair to John, however, he did come from an age where issues such as mental health were rarely discussed.
In the first of the series John who is banned from America for a criminal conviction, after being released from prison in 2015 following a four-year completion of an 11-year sentence, for gouging another man’s eye out during a brawl at a car auction, tells us that Tyson was a shy, sensitive, fat kid. “I brought all my boys up the same; to fight; I trained them myself”.
John, a bare-knuckle boxer must have had the same training from his father as a boy and probably would not think that any of his boys could be different. Young men or boys who have toxic masculinity forced upon them can have extreme consequences to their mental wellbeing, particularly on the sensitive child or those that do not fit the macho mould.
Violence as an indicator of power (think: “tough-guy” behaviour)
In other words, toxic masculinity is what can come of teaching boys that they can’t express their emotions openly; that they have to be “tough all the time”; that anything other than that makes them feminine or weak. (No, it doesn’t mean that all men are inherently toxic.) The harmful side effects can, however, develop into homophobia, or misogyny.
Toxic masculinity, according to Psycom and several surveys, can lead to suicide, depression, anxiety, addiction, and drug use.
A 2017 survey by the Equality and Human Rights Commission found that gypsies, travellers and Roma were found to suffer “poorer mental health than the rest of the population in Britain” and were “more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression”.
Only last year Billy and Joe Smith, stars of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding were found dead in a suicide pact. They had both been struggling with mental health issues.
Now, looking back, I was a sensitive kid too. My dad introduced me to football by heading the ball at my head in the front room. It made me cry, and I hated football from then on. As an adult, I am quite sporty, but Dad could never really teach me anything. The last thing I needed was tough love.
Is it not possible that locked in this huge massive man is the shy, sensitive kid at loggerheads with who he has become? Desperate to please his father, who needed his shy son to “Man up”. The poor man can find a cloud in every silver lining; it must have been hard for the young Fury.
To be honest, the penny drops on what it was that that I saw in Tyson. He had the traits of another beautiful man who had the same personal scenario. He too could be charming, but many said he was bad news; he lived with depression, anxiety and had addiction issues, yet there was something I adored about him.
He had a troubled childhood and was abandoned as a kid by his father. He told me about the days his dad left, with such vivid description, despite being only 8 years old at the time. It was at that moment I saw that very child looking at me through man’s eyes. Taking a shot, I told him “that frightened child is with you every day, you protect him with your front”. There was a silence and the relief that someone had seen the real him, and because he did not feel judged, he could be himself. That’s what I saw in Tyson.
My money is on the fact that Tyson is at loggerheads with himself.
Everyone around him seems to be at loggerheads with Tyson’s new direction. Whilst embracing wealth and lifestyle, some of them claim to want to stay with the traditions of the travelling community.
Tyson wants to set precedents and make changes within the gypsy community. He hates “dream crushers”, whatever his kids want to be, he will be fully supportive.
Yet in a U-turn, wife Paris, who earlier in the show, ‘Tyson Fury Gypsy King’, says she lived her earlier years as a traveller in a caravan now says that she could not bear to leave her beautiful home with hot water and mod cons and her beloved trips to Marbella.
Paris wants the kids raised as travellers. The kids will leave school at 11, and when they marry, they can then leave home, (No room for any of the kids to be gay in that plan then). Daughter Venezuela, who wants to be a dancer or gymnast, calls her mum ‘dream crusher’. Paris comments that Venezuela is already too tall to become either; Venezuela does have a point.
You like Paris in the show, but it’s hard not to, but you want to give her a reality check. When she is not cooking for the massive family, Paris seems to spend the rest of her time in the hairdressers.
Tyson clashes with her; he is keen as ‘King’ to make changes; the kids should stay in school; they can embrace both lifestyles. Here is where I thought he could bring about change, as he moves among the likes of the ‘queens’ dream’ gay ally, Robbie Williams, along with other showbiz pals.
It is possible to educate a homophobe, misogynist, or even a bigot, especially if you take them out of an environment that is steeped in it.
My bet is if Tyson’s demons do not cause him to self-destruct, let’s hope he fights them as hard as any opponent. Tyson could be the king that brings a kinder, more tolerant era to the gypsy community.
After all, a man who pays €200 for two lobsters and sets them free can’t be all that bad!
Great to be back and this month I would like to address a question people keep asking me: how do people get diagnosed when they are sure they are on the spectrum or are living with autism?
Be prepared for a long wait depending on where you live. You can also go for a private diagnosis which can cost between 1k to 2k.
“It’s becoming trendy to say you’re on the spectrum.”
Is it becoming trendy? I think it is more a case that autism awareness is now much more widespread, especially with celebrities now sharing their diagnosis to the public. People are recognising that they may be on the autism spectrum due to past struggles in their day-to-day life.
Dear Anna,
My daughter is nearly 24 and living with autism. I raised her by myself with help from my parents who passed on over the last year. The Government stops helping with her at 25 and my health is not great. What can I do to secure her a future?
Penny, Edinburgh.
Hello Penny,
Thank you for sharing your story. Once autistic adults reach 25 it can be difficult to find suitable services for our loved ones. I am in the process of looking for a day service my son Angelo since his college is closing July 19th and we were only given 28 days’ notice.
A good organisation to ask for help – and it’s a free service – is Living Autism. They can help you search for a suitable provision for your daughter. Their website link is www.livingautism.com
They have supported our charity in the past and also share useful resources that may help you. Wishing you lots of luck!
Anna and husband Sean at number 10 .
Anna, How can people help sponsor Autism’s Got Talent?
We are in our 13th year of Autism’s got Talent and it’s the highlight of our charity year!
Our small charity with devoted volunteers relies on support from the community, companies and the public. To find out more about sponsoring Autism’s got Talent please contact Steven Smith our Charity Patron or my PA Lisa.robins@annakennedyonline.com
Part Sponsorship is £500 where you receive 2 VIP tickets, your logo appears on our red-carpet brand board, programme, and shared across my social media made up of over a 100k followers.
A show not to be missed on October 12th at Mermaid Theatre Blackfriars. Door opens at 6pm and show starts at 7pm.
Dear Anna,
My son is very talented and was diagnosed with a Autism several years ago. He is 14 and wants to go to theatre school.
My worry is he is deeply sensitive and has a lot of issues. Is it really wise to guide him into a world that may hurt him?
Dorothy, Southend.
Hello Dorothy,
Thank you for your message about your talented son. There are many amazing performing arts schools across the country. Only yesterday I attended such a fantastic show in Leighton Buzzard. So many wonderful performances and happy families.
A good idea if you’re on social media is to share a post asking for recommendations of performing arts schools in your area. Facebook can be a useful place for recommendations by other parents.
Dear Anna,
I am convinced my son is being bullied at school. He is autistic but goes to a mainstream school.
He has become more introverted and does not want to do other school activities. He says I should not talk to the school
David, Brighton.
Hello David,
Sorry to hear about your son being bullied as I know this is both stressful for your son and the family. Yes, do speak to the school It is best to nip it in the bud asap for your son’s own wellbeing. Speak to his teacher or the headteacher. Schools take bullying extremely seriously.
Sending you best wishes and hope this is dealt with quickly.
Anna, thank you for everything you do. When is The Autism Hero Awards?
The Autism Hero Awards will take place in March 2025 at The Holiday Inn Regents Park. You can still nominate your Hero at www.autismheroawards.com . It’s such a wonderful event where 36 finalists travel to London for a 3 course meal. There is dance and entertainment from a few of our Autism’s got Talent performers. Winners are announced on the night.
My friend opens the door to her toasty apartment I enter and she wraps me with her warm embrace She said she needed to finish a chat with a friend on the phone So I made my way to her living room
Which was painted golden by the sweet hour of the sun My friend refuses to believe in the mechanism of her blinders Her carpet floor soaked by the heat of the day Is she preserving heat for the colder days, I constantly wondered
Her couch has a better tan than I do If I stayed any longer I would evaporate into the walls But this humorous struggle in my head didn’t stop me from lighting a cigarette I figured what’s the worst that could happen If I evaporate, at least I’ll leave my popular scent behind
So I lit my cigarette and felt the burn of regret instantly The addict in me rolled her eyes And continued to file her devilled nails
To my luck, my friend’s apartment has an inspirational view The city of London right before my eyes All of what people pay to see, carry papers and fly borders for Is right in front of me for free The trains might not be but the experience surely is
The London eye, rotating like the earth The Tower Bridge like the elephants on a chess board And the Shard, raised to the sky for a chance to launch into the ether But it never will
To us the Shard is a firm structure with a crystal tip And we fancy the possibility of offering a gentle squat from above But to the universe, all the Shard will ever be is an insignificant point And to the Shard, all we are is validation and the occasional objectification
In that moment, my peripheral vision caught a movement Familiar to the train of thought I had for the Shard In a singular cubicle of the flat opposite to my friend’s building I saw the cheeks of a man breathing heavily
Moving to and fro for a lovely time with his companion I caught no glimpse of his company But his happy movements masked my curiosity My friend finally joined me and I told her about my findings
We shared the cigarette now and witnessed an imminent climax Our heads tilted to the direction of his positions As he was leaning over his bed with his feet dangling past the edge My friend pondered the curiosity of who he was with
And just then, he moved further up the bed He was now on his back and all we could see is him from the knee down But the rays of the sun captured the dents of his muscular calves As he thrusted with an increasing pace My friend intuitively guessed that the end is near
And she was right, his legs and feet straightened and pointed Flattened by exhaustion Swaying his feet after a satisfying session
My friend gave me back the cigarette Smirking at our violation Blowing the smoke in my face for involving her in the crime
However, we were in too deep We had to put faces to this seemingly gorgeous couple So we continued to look
The man after a couple of minutes finally moved to the edge of the bed He looked back, patted his companion gently with his hand And stood up to look at them in adoration My friend and I felt the emotions between them We awed in silence
He then reached out and pulled his companion out of the bed And what we saw turned our awes into dropped jaws The man carried his doll into the shower with him Carelessly bumping and bouncing it off the walls on the way
My friend and I looked at each other with great amusement We thought his performance was at the top of the tier I then told her, in earnest, that I think his time… To which she concluded, has come.
Tales of looks and asks “Is love the worst drug of all ?”
Tales of a Single, Middle-Aged Gay Man, Steven Smith looks at the drug we call “love” and asks, is it the worst addiction of all?
Love has been known to bring down empires. Men and women have even died for love. Some commit murder or take their own lives. What happens when we wake up from love and realise it has been a horrible trip?
Or is love the anchor for security, a safety blanket that makes so many feel validated and wanted? Some might say one of the best feelings in the world is love—and what is life without it?
This has been one of those weeks when I find myself asking “Why am I single?” I don’t exactly need to wear a paper bag over my head and, socially, my name is on most friends’ and acquaintances’ party lists.
Sure, I’m in my sixties , an age that can be the kiss of death on the gay scene, but things have progressed since a gay man would have to hang up his ruby slippers after 30.
In fact, the golden years of the bears, daddies and silver foxes are very fashionable; as one friend in his 70s recently told me, “I am getting more honey than I did in my twenties.” For me, sadly, it was hard to relate; my dance card is frighteningly empty when it comes to dating.
Parting with gorgeous Danielle Mason actress and model
Yes, I have tried several apps, from the ones that a friend introduces you to (so you join, only to be besieged by guys from the US military who seem to all live in Leeds and call you “Dear”) to Tinder and Match. Both came up blank, and the likes of Grindr and Gaydar just aren’t for me.
Watching a friend on an app called Scruff was like watching the doors at Selfridges on the first morning of the sale: it was hard to keep up with who was going in and out, so maybe not the recipe for true romance that I’m (maybe naively) looking for.
Most of my peers seem to be either married or seriously dating, and to be honest, I was for the first time feeling sorry for myself and a little lonely—much as it might seem to the world that I was Mr Popularity, surrounded by company (as one magazine put it, I had “a social calendar busier than Princess Margaret’s”—she’s dead, but I get the point).
But I’m sure that most singles get the lonely feeling on occasion, no matter what they say.Your correspondence or Princess Margaret – it’s hard to tell the difference. Interrupting my self-indulgent self-pity is the ringing of a phone. It’s my soon-to-be-married friend Angela. She’s around my age and super successful and bright. The woman does a degree as a hobby, as well as playing sport and having so many side gigs it’s hard to keep up. Angela has been married once before and has two amazing grown-up children; she supports their various ventures and is the best mum you can imagine. But Angela falls short when it comes to love. She has not only got rose-tinted spectacles on, when it comes to the man she is about to marry, she is completely blindsided.
There is no resemblance Princess Margaret
Since she met this real-life equivalent of Netflix’s Dirty John, the phone has not stopped going with people asking me to have a word with her. With maturity comes experience, and I have learnt that it is the message that usually gets shot. In fact, one of her friends has already pointed out that she was making a mistake, only to be quickly ostracised, though in a drunken moment Angela asked me if I thought the friend was right. It was clear from the start that John was dominating and controlling.
However, he was fun for a drink and he and I got on well. One by one, he started to alienate Angela’s friends who he felt were a threat—somehow Angela would tell me that it was her idea and she had seen the true light.
Then there was the pressure for her to stop supporting her kids and focus more on his ventures. Not too long after the engagement, he had a sports injury and the market dropped out of his field. He had to give up work altogether and lived off her while exploring his options. Much as he enjoyed a lavish lifestyle – flying first class, dining in the world’s best restaurants, and all that came with having a very successful partner, his clear resentment of her financial success over his was clear.
The man was self-medicating enough to feed Peru, but Angela would excuse it and say, “He only does it on occasion, you know what the banking boys are like.” (He did not work in the City.) It seemed obvious to me that the whole situation was a car crash waiting to happen.
The only thing that might be of help was that he liked me, and I could still gently advise her and be a sounding board. Today’s phone call is a humdinger. John wants her to sell her beautiful city home, move her son out, and buy something in the country nearer his aged parents and his friends.
Angela thinks the country air might do her good, as John says she’s looking tired, and that it could be a nice change. My God, this whole thing is turning into a television show where you’re screaming at the screen, “RUN!” I take a deep breath and tell Angela it’s not a good time to sell. Why not try renting in the country and see how she likes it? But maybe not mention to John that I hinted that . I suggest we have lunch and chat about it tomorrow.
It may have been easier if she’d had a chemical drug dependency and hit rock bottom; then I could get her help or at least stage an intervention, rather than trying to save her from this man.
Anyway, hanging up, it’s a worry, but I’m late for lunch. I’m off to see two bright stars, Simone and Juliet. Simone is single and works in marketing for a record label, and Juliet is a later-life lesbian: “I’m LLL,” as she puts it in her deep Tallulah Bankhead voice. She’s camp, and a fabulous PR manager. In fact, the restaurant we’re dining at belongs to one of her clients.
I knew Juliet’s first husband, and I always wondered what she ever saw in him. But if I thought her taste in men was bad, she’s outdone herself when it comes to her current fiancée, singer Coral Jones. Juliet is obsessed with Coral, and it seems to be all that she can talk about.
Simone and I have started placing bets on how long it will take Juliet to bring up her fiancée. Juliet has turned into a type of woman she would have been truly appalled by a few years ago, the ones whose opinions and views are those of their partner.. Every other word out of her mouth is, “Coral says…” as if God created the Earth and on the seventh day, Coral took over as she probably knew better.
To make matters worse, Juliet is just back from the USA and the prestigious Coachella music festival in Los Angeles, where of course Coral was headlining and received rave reviews, or so Juliet is boasting. This is hard to swallow, as both Simone (who knows everyone in the music world) and I know that Coral was in fact performing at a downtown L.A. venue. Juliet had paid for her to appear to make it look like she was at Coachella, and Coral had nothing to do with the festival, although it was running at the same time.
It’s all smoke and mirrors with that one, as Simone says. Ironically, that’s also the name of Coral’s first E.P., which, according to Juliet, is driving record companies across the globe to enter a frenzied bidding war. However, it took Simone three and a half minutes to discover that Juliet had helped to self-produce and release the record. “Oh, she’s so good that record labels just take advantage of the artist,” to quote Juliet. “So Coral set up her own record label.” Simone almost choked on her espresso martini the night that was said. Of course, Juliet does not disappoint.
We’ve hardly sat down when she declares that Coral is just such a good judge of character—“It’s almost like she’s psychic!” Simone’s eyes go up to heaven and she lifts the menu up over her face. Juliet goes on to say that 98% of the time, Coral can work people out in seconds, but we aren’t to worry as she likes us.
Juliet seems to be oblivious to the fact that no one is that keen on Coral, but we do all tolerate her, because Juliet seems more stable and happier than she has for a long time. Who are we to charge in where angels fear to tread?
As long as a friend is happy, it’s none of our business. The only thing you can do for friends is be there if it goes wrong, to pick them back up and not tell them “I told you so” or “I wanted to say something.” Just listen and be kind. Many relationships, no matter how dysfunctional they may seem to us, work.
B
Even in a friendship that isn’t sexual, it’s possible to have the same feeling. Who can forget their first friend in life—that moment when they leave you to play with someone else, that first feeling of jealousy, and the relief when they come back? Could love be the biggest addiction of them all, making sensible, smart people do things out of character? Especially in the hands of those already living with addiction issues—and I use the word issues, because we all have addictions in us; it’s those that can’t control them who may fall at the first hurdle. Or on the upside, I have seen two beautiful people who are my long-term friends, who have both battled with addiction, find love together and become each other’s anchors, and they’ve been sober and happy for ten years now.
I can’t tell you how many people rang me to say, “Give that a month” when they first met, and yet they are still happy.
When I chat to my great pal, self-help and relationship expert Dr Pam Spurr of drpam.co.uk and @drpamspurr, she tells me: “It’s said that love is a drug, and for some people it is. Falling in love stimulates feel-good brain chemicals like serotonin and endorphins that can be addictive for someone with an addictive nature.
The addict craves that exciting ‘hit’, but once the excitement in the initial phase of a new relationship wears off, they may well look elsewhere for that excitement again. “Where someone with a non-addictive nature adjusts to the next phase in a relationship—after the exciting, sexual chemistry phase—someone with addictive tendencies might feel disappointed and even bored. They may not have the emotional capability to develop a more mature way of relating. “One sure sign that someone who’s had problems with addiction in the past is developing an emotionally healthy way of living is that they accept that relationships change with time.
They accept that they move from the exciting first phase into a calmer, yet hopefully more substantive, second phase and further phases. “Anyone living with addiction needs to enter any new relationship with caution.
The rule of thumb is that an addict should not enter a new relationship within a year of going sober, going clean, or, for example, giving up gambling. Research tends to show that a year of sobriety or being clean of any addiction, is a ‘good enough’ amount of time to be clear-headed when wanting to begin a new relationship. “With existing relationships, they and their partner and/or loved ones need to identify any dysfunctional patterns in the relationship. For instance, if when the addict feels unhappy, angry or stressed with their partner they learn to express their feelings and their needs calmly and without drama.
Because learning to express how they feel and discovering solutions to any problems within the relationship means they are less likely to self-medicate in the way they have previously.”Your correspondent with Dr Pam Spurr Such great advice, but in my experience, so many very intelligent, worldly people would rather jump under a bus than talk about emotions with their loved ones including counsellors and therapists I’ve known who in real life can’t do it. It’s a little like “Those who can do, those who can’t teach.”
Walis Simpson and the Duke of Windsor.
The next day I’m watching GMB and they’re attacking the couple of the moment, the royals Harry and Meghan. In between the name calling and all that’s going on, something hits me. Is Harry living with addiction? Apart from the fact I think he’s cute, you can’t help but really like him; he’s the fun royal. One evening I was in the night club Bujios in London’s exclusive South Kensington.
It was getting late, and there seemed to be some commotion, even excitement. “It’s a royal,” said the footballer next to me (who I won’t name). I asked which one, and he said, “The ginger one, Harry.” The woman next to me whispered, “I hear he likes to party.” It was a similar story when I was in Abu Dhabi. My good friend who runs a track there told me the exact same—“Lovely fella, Harry.
He likes to party.”—and gave me a wink. Judging by the photos coming from Las Vegas, Harry is the party wherever he goes. Yes, your average lad likes to party, and God knows I do. I just forget I’m not a lad anymore and refuse to be put in a box.
Having interviewed so many people who have battled addiction, especially gay men, they all seem to have some trauma during their early years through abuse, loss, or abandonment.
Surely Harry, who lost his mother Diana at such an early age, must have had a huge amount of trauma surrounding it, but was still expected to keep that stiff British upper lip for all to see. As we watched the young Princes Harry and William walk behind their mother’s coffin, a nation’s heart broke. It’s certainly a vision that will haunt me for life.
Mental health issues and addiction have been rife amongst the royals, from Henry VIII’s problems with commitment to Edward VII being known as a sex-crazed party animal, to the divine Princess Margaret, who never seemed to have a cigarette out of her mouth, and whose erratic behaviour could certainly be put down to addiction.
And how did Diana’s battle with mental health and eating disorders affect her boys? You can of course understand how Harry might crave normality, and when he met his fairytale princess it all looked like a dream come true. It was a chance to escape.
Is it possible that when he met Meghan, who comes from a dysfunctional family background too, and who clearly craves fame, that unhealthy pastime fraught with addiction, they became each other’s anchors—each other’s lovers and healers? If Harry ever wakes from love, will he be okay with the choices they’ve made?
Those shouting at the couple clearly haven’t seen what love can do when it becomes the person’s drug of choice. The Duke and Duchess of Windsor, aka Edward and Mrs Simpson. Harry’s great great uncle Edward VIII gave up the throne for love of the American divorcée Wallis Simpson, a woman rumoured to be gifted in the sexual department. No matter what is said, you have to draw similarities between Harry and Edward.
Yes, they are free to live their lives the way they want to—just because Harry was born into a family and a title does not mean he has to stay there. in this day and age you can choose to walk away—but the issue I see is that they walked away saying they wanted privacy, yet Meghan has never stopped the publicity machine since moving, first to Canada and then Santa Barbara. I personally don’t believe that, with a Netflix deal and many more vehicles in the pipeline, a nice private life away from public scrutiny was what Meghan ever wanted.
She certainly is having her cake and eating it too. My general feeling is that most in the acting profession are like Tinkerbell: they die if they’re not getting enough attention. My fear, if Harry ever falls out of love, would be for his already fragile mental health.
Let’s hope it’s love forever for them and that they have their fairytale ending, but remember, not all love stories are Mills and Boon, and fairy tales have dark, evil queens and fire-breathing dragons in them too, not just princesses and princes ending up in Utopia. If you lose a shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
P.S. Angela escaped Dirty John and lives happily in Singapore. Paulo is well and runs a garden centre. . Juliet is still happy with Coral and telling us Coral is going to be the next Carol King.
Introverts being called shy, under confident and awkward is the biggest understatement of the century.
As an introvert and occasionally an ambivert, I view this differently from what introversion is perceived as in modern times.
The stigma of introversion. Picture credit: Design You Trust
I had a hard time connecting with people for a majority of my life. It felt like I had to be different versions of myself to feel accepted in social circles. The personality of an introvert can often be misconstrued as “lost in their own little world.”
Which might be true to a certain extent but there’s a lot of good that comes from that. It’s important to acknowledge that people have their own way of dealing with the kind of world we live in and that there’s different types of introverts.
However, the proof is in the pudding if we bother to grab a spoon. Some of the most revolutionary people like Albert Einstein, Sir Isaac Newton, Rosa Parks or even in recent times, actresses Meryl Streep and Glenn Close are known to be introverts who’ve made an extraordinary impact.
Academy award winner, Meryl Streep. Picture credit: SELF Magazine
The term introversion was coined by Carl Jung, who stated that introversion is an attitude towards life where one prefers their own inner world as opposed to an extrovert who thrives on external connections. Introverts have a natural ability to divulge in the concept of “The Self“. Which is the foundation of most religious/spiritual beliefs when it comes to taking the journey of the soul.
I personally resonate with both attitudes when it comes to personalities, but I admire the soft nature of an introvert who finds solace in knowing their core selves.
It’s tough being an introvert because as a species, we need human connection. I felt lost in a fast-paced generation where I had to keep up with social media trends, pressurised myself to be entertaining to those I meet and have long conversations with them.
I do enjoy company, I’m not particularly shy but there was a point in my life where I realised that by masking my introverted nature, I was going in the opposite direction of who I really am.
My fear heightened most at parties, I’d mentally prepare myself with a set of questions that are “socially acceptable.” When I ran out of things to say, I could almost see the grimace on their faces. They would casually say, “I’m going to get another drink, I’ll see you later?”
The entire night after that, I would be so caught up in the things I’ve said and how I should’ve said it. What should’ve been a fun party turned into an absolute nightmare.
What an introvert feels like when they try to be extroverted. Picture credit: Kahhuipheh
It’s easy to say, “Don’t take yourself so seriously, just have fun.” when socialising at a party isn’t necessarily my idea of fun. I still have to do it, to feel normal in a world that just seems to get it? I didn’t ask to be this way, it’s just how my mind works.
How are they doing it, I used to wonder. How do they construct sentences that make another person smile or laugh? How did they manage to establish a friendship or a relationship with just one conversation? How are they exchanging energies so seamlessly?
Energy…that’s what it was. It hit me like a truck when I realised I’ve tampered with the gentle energy within me inauthentically, only to feel accepted externally. I was draining myself.
A beautiful realisation kicked in when I took the journey of isolation and transformation to discover who I really am.
The realisation was that after therapy, spiritual healing and connecting with nature, I had to learn to accept all sides of me first. The more I learned to love myself, the more I understood that it’s never about how others perceive me. It’s about how I perceive myself.
Picture credit: Tara McEvoy
I celebrate my introverted side as a part of me that provids a lot of safety. I’m aware that it’s not the same for all introverts but this is my 2Shades perspective on how I see the beauty of gaining wisdom, clarity and liberation from my inner world.
What it did for me is that the unconditional loving energy I was developing within me, allowed me to face the outside world with courage. I no longer judged myself for the “wrong” things I’ve said or done, because I possess a safe place within me to come home to, have a laugh, let go and move on.
Being an introvert doesn’t always mean living in fear and having lack of presence in the world. There’s an abundance of creativity and knowledge within our soul that introverts just care to explore more of. Translating that may not be easy, but there’s different means of communication and assertiveness that just takes an empathic set of eyes to see/feel.
Inner peace is the key to everything. Picture credit: Dribble
Eventually, I put a price on my energy because of my investment towards it and learned how to be social when I needed to be and in solitude, I recharge myself. The best part is the communication I have with myself to respect my own boundaries while simultaneously communicating that to loved ones so they’re aware of my mannerisms.
So I could be called an “ambivert” now if I have to label it, but all I’m really doing is living harmoniously in my inner world and choosing the kind of outer world I want to engage in.
Heidi Gammon, 2Shades and Gateway Radio’s agony aunt, answers your questions this Pride month.
Dear Heidi
I stumbled upon your column by accident. My daughter Is gay, and I have found it very hard to accept. First of all, I am catholic, and her lifestyle is not acceptable to my faith.
Trust me Heidi I love my daughter, but I am really struggling to accept her girlfriend who she has lived with for four years and won’t have her in the house. She looks like a man, and I find it embarrassing when people see her. My daughter says that they plan to have children and that breaks my heart. Now she says she won’t see me if I do not accept her life and partner. Having tried counselling already what can I do? Losing my daughter is not an option.
Vicky, South End
Dear Vicky
This makes me very sad. Please be assured I have total respect for others’ beliefs. It is great you tried counselling but maybe you did not go the right one. With all due respect, everything you are saying is homophobic. If you truly love your daughter, you will embrace her and love her as a mother should. Who cares what people think of the person who loves your daughter? You need to respect who your daughter is. Really, I understand your pain but it’s time to let go of that mindset. Who wants to be around someone who judges and discriminates against them, especially when it is a person that is supposed to love them? It may be an idea to try counselling as a family https://www.rainbow-project.org/family-support/
You will lose your daughter if you continue down this path.
All my best, Heidi
Dear Heidi
Please help me, I did a terrible thing. My husband wanted to spice things up and bring another person into the bedroom. He did not want an open relationship so, with trepidation we went ahead with a guy we met online. It was fun and we saw him a few times.
Really Heidi I thought that was it but having bumped into this guy in town, we started to see each other behind my husband’s back as he said he’s not really into him. He has asked me to go on holiday with him. Having agreed and telling my husband it is work related, now I am getting cold feet. What can I do?
Really, I am all for those who want to try different things but boundaries must be in place after a lengthy conversation. Although it’s not for me, many couples have open relationship and experiment. When you invite another person into your relationship you are opening a pandora’s box. Be careful what you wish for I say.
It sounded like you thought you were happy. Bringing someone else in could have unearthed that your relationship may not have been what you thought. The fact you’re even thinking of going on holiday behind your husband’s back tells me things are not right. It is time to ask yourself how you see your future. Time to sit down and talk to your husband, after all he opened the box leading you to want to deceive and break the trust. Without trust there is no relationship. Sorry if that sounds harsh.
My gay brother is a hoot, but he won’t stop flirting with straight guys.Now he is flirting with my husband. Alex my husband thinks it is funny but it is annoying and embarrassing for me. Having put my foot down my brother is not speaking to me. What can I do?
Kirsty, Essex
You’re kidding me, Kirsty. You’re quiet right, straight or gay, there is a limit to the flirting game and you have every right to be annoyed. It was right to share your feelings.
It sounds like your brother is a bit of an exhibitionist and they can be fun. Exhibitionism can be a drug and you can get hooked. He needs to think of your feelings too. Trust me he will be back in touch. You sound like a great sister so just ignore him till he comes to you (and he will) . But stick to your guns when he does appear licking his wounds.
Love Heidi
Dear Heidi
Love the column, please can you help me? I am so frightened to ask anyone out as my fear of rejection is so great. No-one asks me out and so my life has no one romantic in it. How can overcome my fear?
Love
Andy, Leeds
Andy my love, my heart goes out to you. Ok I need you to shake yourself down.
You can go to an lGBTQQ+ councillor https://pinktherapy.com or if you cannot afford that, the NHS offer free talking therapy sessions . I am taking it you have tried online dating; you do not have to go on GRINDER or Facebook, and many other sites offer a softer approach to dating . Or why not join an lgbtqq+ group https://www.mesmac.co.uk/our-services/leeds/support-social-groups
Here is a selection in Leeds. It is a nice way to meet people in non-sexual way that could lead to romance.
Steven Smith. Picture credit: Graham Marin Photography https://www.grahammartinphotography.co.uk
Steven Smith celebrates turning 63 and Pride Month.
By being pictured by celebrity photographer Graham martin. Embarrassing having pride in himself and his body.
Graham Martin shoots me for Pride at any age
It is Pride month and lets all get out and enjoy ourselves. Age is just a number I could not agree more with the divine and fellow Gemini Joan Collins’ statement last month, “It is rude to ask a lady her age”. Or a man, come to think about it. Even though the divine Ms Collins never missed a moment to mention age.
Trust me, it is certainly a no, no at any social occasion. My dread at any dinner party is when age raises its ugly head and someone says, “Guess how old I am?” I just want the floor to open and disappear when that one is asked. Or when some ill-advised fellow diner thinks it is appropriate to ask a guest their age.
As for me, I am incredibly proud to have reached my age, joining the likes of Tom Cruise and Boy George. It is a joy to be alive and fully active, with just a little more knowledge in life, though I am still prone to a youthful mistake or two! Some people’s issues around age ruin it for others. At a luncheon party I was not looking forward to the subject cropping up.
Here he comes, the age phobic. It had not started off well as everyone was late including us, my friend had changed shoes at least three times and had an army of beauty things to do before setting off. We were first there. I must add my friend is also proud of their age and looks stunning. However, they did look a little perturbed to be first there and not making a grand entrance for the other guests to marvel at how great they looked.
It meant that instead of sitting with my long-term friend who is in his twenties (but I swear is in his seventies and just made a pack with the Devil to inhabit a young man’s body, being wise, intelligent and witty well beyond his years), I was sitting next to someone new.
I love meeting different people, though it did hit me almost immediately that his Instagram pictures were airbrushed to make him look much younger than in person.
But then who does not tweak their image sometimes, though there are those that go overboard and can turn themselves into an embryo. It did not take long for age to become a topic. He kept referring to my friend as “the young one”. He asked if I went out much in London.
I replied that I went out to events during the week but at weekend I was comfortable at home, although I did go to clubs occasionally at the weekend and charity dinners. It started, “Well at our age you don’t want to go clubbing, do you?” He honestly did not stop.
Moving on I shared that on holiday or before going out it was great to have a small siesta. “Oh, you mean a na, na nap,” he jested. “I bet it used to be a disco nap. But at our age…” “Darling,” I explained, “I do not do the age thing or put labels on people.” My “young” friend whispered later, “He is projecting how he feels about his own age on to you”.
It was interesting to find out the other so-called young ones felt the same way about him and meant to pre-warn me as it was my first encounter. It must be terrible to be threatened by someone who is comfortable in their own skin. I think he was one of those men who got on better with woman as he seemed to charm them.
Age is just a number, or so some believe. Sure, I am not often “clubbing”, but this is not because I am 63 and feel out of place. I always envisioned myself with a blue rinse, fan dancing with the best of them at a rave in my 80s! It is more because
I do not have the time, and that London has become so diverse there is so much else to do. Plus, my priorities with my free time have changed; bars are no longer high on my list. There is the added point that I am fortunate enough to get invited to a fair few glitzy events too. I just wish people would enjoy and love the moment they are in and stop pushing age groups into boxes. Be who you want to be. Yes, age is just a number, but there is no need to keep bringing it up.
Graham Martin is a premier gay and celebrity photographer, who, as well as shooting the likes of Denise Welch and Dame Judy Dench Additionally, makes some of his bread and butter shooting gay men’s profile pictures for online dating sites.
Yours truly with Graham
So what percentage of the men are my age or older? “It is 50:50 recently. I had a man that was 76 come for a shoot not long ago. He had been off the scene for seven years as he had become addicted to chem-sex parties.” Graham told me that the man is doing really well and is now happily dating once more.
Graham, who turns 60 this year, has been in a loving relationship for the last 32 years. He puts his success down to marrying his best friend and he does have a point. Perhaps the fact that I was with my best friend for 18 years makes it difficult to fill the void. Should I be looking for someone sexual first, developing a friendship second?
Graham told me that the dating scene has changed so much that he gets inundated with men wanting pictures for their profiles, as well as portrait shots. Men, whatever age, want to look their best. “Keep it real!” Graham informed me when giving tips for my shoot.
Do not ask for it to be Photoshopped so that you are an embryo. If you are a chunky, beer-bellied daddy, then do not take yourself down to a thin man. When you hook up it will just be one big disappointment. Equally, make sure that you prepare yourself in conjunction with your age when you are getting ready for the shoot.
Do not spray tan because the look can often be uneven, but do make sure that you are groomed well. Do not have a drastic haircut unless you plan to keep the look.
Lets all have Pride in who we are.
He says that it is vital that you stand out and . So, my first attempt at dating starts with a shoot undertaken by Graham, who rather nervously laughed and said, “You’re practically a chicken compared to some I shoot,” which put me at ease.
Many men do the Full Monty, but that’s not me. We settled for a taste of sexy, though, to be honest, it is not a natural feel. Forty-five minutes later and the photo shoot is complete. I love the results and my friends all rave about the final images.
Welcome to more of Steven Smith’s Tales of a Middle-Aged Single Gay Man column
‘Fag hag’ is a gay slang phrase referring to women who associate exclusively with gay or bisexual men. But you knew that anyway, didn’t you?
Steven Smith
Now, I hate labels of any kind, but when a woman tells me “I love the gays” my toes curl. Even my nephew, when he was thirteen, was smart enough to not fall for that one.
“They are just like everyone else, good and bad”, he shrewdly pointed out. It’s funny in Ab Fab when Adina blurts out “all my friends are gay”. Oh, the irony.
However, the women that happily label themselves fag hags tend to flag up serious warning signs. I have heard it so many times: “other woman just don’t get me, but you and the gay guys do.”
This is usually followed by how she likes bad boys in bed. That’s nice for them. For me, I want to be liked as a person, not for my sexuality or a label.
Since my first time at a gay club in New York, the Limelight, I was aware of lots of very sexy women model types dancing. My friend told me: “they feel safe here. They can dance and not get hit on.”
It was not long before the straight men caught onto this and started frequenting the more glamorous gay venues. On one occasion, I was with a group of guys when a very hot girl walked straight up to us and said “so sad you are all gay. I would f*** the lot of you!”
A little voice piped up: “I am straight”. He was my pal who honestly leads the way in gay fashion but is 100% straight, though many men have tried their luck and a minute later found themselves in a taxi home.
Elizabeth Taylor. Wowza.
Elizabeth Taylor loved the company of gay men, from Rock Hudson to Tab Hunter and Montgomery Clift. She described them as her confidants.
Tallulah Bankhead, when she was not famously trying to sleep with gay men, preferred their company. Long ago, in the time of Mary Queen of Scots, Mary loved to quote the pretty men.
For me, I like people. It seems though by chance that many of my friends are female and quite glamorous and powerful. None of them would be described as fag hags.
In their company I still keep to the traditional male role that I am comfortable with: opening doors, walking on the right side of the path near the road, and even pulling the chair out. Though some of the women I know try to lead when dancing and even pull the chair out for me.
Now, despite having some pictures taken to join a dating website, somehow I am no further along, and the woman who I would call one of my rocks, Liz Branson, is on the phone from her New York office. She splits her time between there, Dubai and London.
“Have you done it?” she enquires. Trying to get off the subject, I ask when she is in London next. There is a pause:
“You haven’t“, she snaps with an air of annoyance. Then she almost commands “Jo Allen’s, Tuesday 9.30”. She does not wait to see if I am free and hangs up. But then texts ten minutes later (“If you are free can you book it?”).
Liz is great fun, but always right about everything and obsessive, sometimes to a point where you want to scream. That’s what makes her so successful, alluringly and fascinating.
She is also always late, arriving with some story, but the reality is it takes her half an hour to cover herself in body oil that makes her beautiful worked-out body glisten. That’s just the part of the beauty regime to go out.
So, despite having brass balls when it comes to business and breaking many high-level men, she still likes to be every part a high-maintenance woman.
Still from the Will & Grace show
She is my Grace, as in Will and Grace, the TV show. Now, it is a common mistake to presume that women “get” gay men just because they hang out with them. Even the woman who proclaims: “I am just a gay man trapped in woman’s body” can be shockingly naive.
One long-term friend of 36 who grew up around the LGBTQ community, recently pointed out on a theatre visit that the show we’d gone to see was a great one for me just because it had five youthful boys, scantily dressed, in the cast.
It did take me back. As pretty as they were they left me sexually cold. She must have noticed none of my boyfriends have been under 40.
My best gay mate would know that the male cast of Peaky Blinders or Colin Farrell would have me hot in my seat. But teen boys have as much effect as Dita Von Teese dancing – nice to watch. She was the same friend who once asked, “Why would you want to give head rather than take?”
This is the case with Liz, apart from one man who was straight when he lived with her and came out later, she really did not know any gay men until me.
I think she presumed we all came in a mould, as she was quick to dash into another relationship with a gay man who was in a rush to take her to gay bars and so on.
My opinion is it should be mutual, and I am happy in a predominately straight bar/club, but as it’s rare I am in a gay bar I tend to have dinner or go to events.
Liz rang me one night: “I am on Clapham Common”, she whispered down the phone. Enquiring if there was concert or some event, to my horror she replied, “no, I’m cruising with… Have you done this?” Really, I wanted to scream – this was a step too far. Needless to say, their relationship did not last when he tried to seduce Liz’s then-husband.
But it was not the first time that I heard of women going cruising with gay men. My former lady boss was once in a Freedom cab (a gay taxi company) when the driver said he was going to Hampstead Heath to drop condoms off by a tree in the cruising area.
She jumped: ‘Oh, I have been there.” Some of her gay pals had taken her. This phenomenon had passed me by. One, I don’t cruise – it’s scary, and broadminded as I am, why would you take a woman?
Well, Liz is late as usual. She has texted several times, blaming the Uber driver, a lion escaping from Regents Park zoo, and a fire at the local orphanage.
But when she arrives she’s looking spectacular, and the whole restaurant turn their heads to look at her. Liz runs her hands through her thick red hair, passes, and waves enthusiastically.
She has just become a vegan, and was difficult enough in restaurants before, but this is taking it to a whole new level. Once, after sending an omelette back four times, famously I took a picture of her perfect omelette and gave it to the waiter the next day, much to her annoyance. It’s just one of the things that make her amusing.
But back to the evening. Only one waiter and chef have resigned since Liz has placed her order – kidding. My suggestion that I nip to Tesco’s and get the soya sauce she wants so badly goes down like a lead balloon as she has everyone fussing over her.
There is quick chat about the gorgeous executive she went skinny dipping with in Dubai and how fantastic he was in bed. Do I think 15 years age difference is too much?
Followed by she really is still into 50 shades of Darryl, a man she met at a conference and had the best sex ever with, but had turned out to be an asshole and who I hate hearing about for the 90th time.
The nice thing about Liz is she is not an energy vampire and likes to hear about you. But it’s the subject that’s not top of my list – my ‘love life’.
She is convinced that my best pal and I should be together and that why I am not with anyone? The problem many people don’t get is you can have a purely platonic relationship when you’re gay with another gay man.
Of course, I love my best mate, but have no plans to marry him. Losing track of how many times that I have told her ‘NO!!’, I tell Liz that’s it, I’ll ask him to marry me next week.
There is a scream and she wants to order champagne. Liz’s face quickly drops when it’s pointed out it’s a tease. Well, I am sure it would have if she hadn’t had Botox two weeks before.
The subject is dropped, and we have lots of laughs and drinks, until she announces we are going to Old Compton Street for after-drinks. “Why?” I ask. Apparently, she loves GAY and the music.
But my gut feeling is that she is very kindly obsessing about finding me a fella. My suggestion of our usual after-venue, Radio Bar, is met with a blank. Realising that she is doing something Liz thinks will be good for me, we take off.
There is no queue to get into GAY, but it is busy, and Liz wastes no time in turning into Cilla Black after getting a drink, and my heart falls as she starts randomly talking to men; all of course adore her right away. “Who do you like?” she shouts above the music.
Liz introducing me to random men to reject me leaves me feeling like a rabbit in the headlights. “I’ll be discreet”, she bellows.“I’m all good, thanks” and hug her.
Liz starts dancing with some colourful drag queens and shouts “I’m a gay icon!” Of course they all agree. Much as there is room for interpretation, Madonna or Judy she isn’t, but for that night she was. It was so kind of her to care.
Flushed with her success at GAY, she wants to explore more, so we head to a bar on Rupert Street, as a friend of mine is there anyway. Her one-woman show goes down well there, too.
I have already briefed her that my American pal is a friend, and not to think about bringing up whether we are dating or anything of that nature. She thinks he’s too young anyway, so I am off the hook.
Liz is now befriending the handsome doorman, who turns out to be heterosexual and married. He waves me over. “Why don’t you take your girlfriend somewhere she can meet a man?” My reaction was to smile. “She wanted to come here, not me.”
Besides, who says she would not meet a fella there? My sister had a holiday romance in Key West with a man who managed a gay club, and one lady friend married a bar man who worked in one.
Liz and I are still happily single, but watch this page for more tales.
Steven is a published author, regular radio guest and has a monthly column in MilliOnAirMagazine.
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