Author: Steven Smith.

Steven Smith was born in Coatbridge in Scotland. He was brought up in Whitley Bay, before briefly moving to London. He then moved to the seaside town of Brighton, where he was first receiver recognition for his hairdressing skills. Steven moved to America for eight years, working in Beverly Hills, and on his return to London in the late 90s, rose to fame working in fashionable Knightsbridge. He has styled model Katie Price, actress Denise Welch, David Hasselhoff and the cast of Baywatch. Steven had his own column in The Sun newspaper advising on hair and beauty, and was a regular on the Lorraine Kelly show, transforming GMTV viewers into their favourite stars. He made over Lorraine herself, transforming her into movie legend, Elizabeth Taylor.

Steven has been a freelance writer for the last ten years, combining showbiz interviews and travel with his eye for styling. He has written two books: Powder Boy, looking at the dark side of showbiz, and an autobiography: It shouldn't happen to a hairdresser, offering a witty and sad look at his life. He is currently penning a third book to be titled Happy in Chennai.

He has a monthly column, Tales of a single middle-aged gay man that looks at not only the light side of gay life, but also darker aspects such as rape, addiction, and chem-sex. Steven also runs his own beauty/aesthetic blog and is a patron of Anna Kennedy online; a charity that not only supports the autism community but educates the public about those that live with autism.

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Steven’s Viewz September column. 

Why I am with Esther Rantzen when it comes to euthanasia being allowed in the UK

Inspirational Esther Rantzen and the incredible Martin Annand

News of the controversial suicide pod being used for the first time in Switzerland really caught my attention. The device allows the person in it to take their own life by pressing a button. The concern, even in Switzerland where euthanasia is legal, is that the pod functions without medical assistance. 

It also triggered a memory of when I was asked to take a friend to Switzerland, and I nearly did…

It was a beautiful sunny day and my former partner, of twenty years and friend for twenty more Martin Annand and I were sitting in the leafy London Garden opposite where he lived. 

He squeezed my hand and said, 

“Steven, please take me to Switzerland, let’s arrange it today.” 

The wonderful Martin Annand RIP 20th Of February 1944 – 9th of August 2021

We had been up most of the night. Martin had been in agony; he was terminally ill with cancer that had moved into the spine. He had sailed through hormone treatment and apart from the odd hiccup, chemotherapy had been giving us hope that a miracle would happen or at least extended his life, but we had had some bad news, and the chemotherapy had stopped working. He had moved on to radiotherapy and that was a whole new ball game. The illness was turning him quickly into a shell of himself. 

Coming soon.

Helping was a battle as his new partner was unreasonable, a bully and often hysterical. I was up against people who were all “experts. A distant relative thought running a ball up and down his spine and getting him to exercise was good, but would not look at the actual fact that it was the worst thing you could do for cancer in the spine.

All through his illness I was absolutely determined to stay stoic and a rock, not the hysterical mess I was in private. Too often I have seen people make their friend or partner’s illness be about them, with the poor soul consoling them. Now his current partner had taken two weeks holiday and reluctantly left me to look after him. It was an ideal time to take Martin to Switzerland.

However, it was hard at this point to hold back the tears. 

“Is that what you really want?” I asked him.

He had clearly done his homework and knew the price and exactly where to go. Pulling myself together and looking into his beautiful blue eyes I promised I would if he just gave it one more week. The doctors had said at the Royal Brompton that the night burns were quite a common side effect that should pass. 

Holding him in the shower and as he lay shaking in bed, I would have done anything to ease his pain. Assurances that this phase would pass, and that the treatment would allow him more time encouraged us to push on. 

To this day I am so sorry that I did not take him whilst he could still get on a plane. The horror that he endured no human being should go through. Why do we let a dog in distress die in dignity, yet our loves ones have to suffer? The religious right will tell you It is not God’s wish. Some God if he wants us to suffer.

“Suffer to come unto me “. Well, I cannot make sense of that.  It is time to allow those with no hope of living without excruciating pain to die on their own terms.

By the second week it was too painful for Martin to travel in a taxi let alone fly.  Then the current partner arrived back, and all was lost on the idea of euthanasia.

When there really is no hope, it is time to be kind and allow the terminally sick some release.  Next time someone I love asks me, I’ll do it on the spot.  I truly hope that if I were in that much pain with no chance of recovery that someone would do the same for me. 

Me with Martin Annand a man who lived life to its full

https://www.dignityindying.org.uk/why-we-need-change/dignitas/

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/

“Do not look back in anger” I can’t wait for Oasis to be back on!

https://oasisinet.com


If there is one thing that bemuses me it’s being put in a box because of my sexuality. 

As a gay man I have heard it all over the years, including the presumption that I must be filled with excitement that Kylie is touring next year. No! I honestly would not cross the road to watch her, and I find “Padam Padam” one of the most irritating songs of all time.

Sure, she has a huge gay following. I remember two gay men jumping with excitement in the changing room of the gym exclaiming, “Oh my God we are seeing Kyle tonight, she’s such a survivor! ” And that was before the breast cancer. I have heard she is a lovely person, but she’s just not my taste in music. 

Later at the Troubadour café the waiter enquired if me and my partner were going to see Kylie. After replying definitely not, he smiled and said, “Good to hear it, have a drink on me!” 

Kylie nice lady but not for me https://www.kylie.com

Sure, I like Madonna; she is a true artist. Now Bowie, Lou Reed, Nina Simon or a night at the Royal Opera are my tastes in music. 

What I am excited about is Oasis coming back. Liam Gallagher is brightly funny and a night out with him would be way up on my list rather than the gay Divas of music. Oasis marks an era, and a generation of people want to celebrate the band and re- live that experience for just for one night.

Their music is original, and they are a dying breed of rock star. The Manchester lads may not be the wild boys of the past, but every time Liam pops up on a show, he makes me laugh and he is by far a much better interview than most. 

That’s what entertainment is all about. My friend Pam I know not to dare ring during the football or come to that rugby, cricket, darts season, tiddlywinks… If for a moment music, sport or something else can transport you to a happy place or bring a beautiful memory back to life for you, then whatever gives you that enjoyment is your business. 

I, of course, respect everyone who can’t get Kylie “out of their head”, but come on, Liam and Noel are really something to get excited about. 

https://www.troubadourlondon.com

‘Definitely Maybe’ – Deluxe 30th Anniversary Editions

Autism’s Got Talent 

Yes, it is that time of year again so please come see me and 2shades columnist Dr Anna Kennedy OBE on 12th October at the Mermaid theatre. Gateways Radio Aston Avery will be one of the main presenters introducing some incredible acts.  

This star-studded spectacular show will showcase amazingly talented performances by adults and children with autism. The performers, which consist of singers, actors, musicians, magicians, poets and dance troupes, will fly the flag for autism and show what people with autism are capable of. Autism’s Got Talent provides a platform and fantastic opportunity to replace negative aspects with hope, fun, laughter and inclusion. This showcase is unique to any other project across the world.

Most of the acts have springboarded into exclusive opportunities. The audience feels a rare emotion of hope and belonging, part of a unique network, and understanding that anything is possible. Every year promises a showcase of a wide variety of performers. In previous years, there has been a stand-up performer, harpist, rapper, young author, acclaimed ballet dancer, opera singer.

Presenting this year Aston Avery Gateway radio host .

The concept of Autism’s Got Talent is based solely on inclusion, and there needs to be more, which is why we have started roadshows. Autism’s Got Talent is an annual event that grows in popularity each year and has firmly cemented its status as a leading charity and autism event.

Dr Anna Kennedy OBE and me .

Supported in the past by celebrities including Kacey Ainsworth, Richard Mylan, Dame Esther Rantzen, Carrie and David Grant, Debbie Moore OBE, the late Ian Royce, Dr Pam Spurr, Mitch Winehouse, Loose Women Star Denise Welch, Caprice, Luke Friend, Tony Discipline (BBC Eastenders), and Emma Noble.

Autism’s Got Talent

Autism’s Got Talent

Date: October 12th, 7:00-10:30PM

The Mermaid
2 Puddle Dock
London EC4V 3DB

Finally it is just wonderful to see that “Body Dysmorphia ” in reverse is alive and well.

https://www.channel4.com/programmes/married-at-first-sight-uk

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Anna Kennedy takes a time out and talks school

Dr. Anna Kennedy OBE gives her advice and answer readers questions in her 2Shades  column
https://annakennedyonline.com

Hello Anna!

Welcome back! What were your school days like?

I went to a Catholic school in the Northeast. Little did I know my husband Sean also was at the same school. Primary School were good and bad days for me and I enjoyed some lessons not all. Many of the nuns at the school were too strict and would not get away with caning across your knuckles or hand for talking too much!

If you happen to be late for school, you had to stand under the crucifix for 30 minutes at the end of the day and pray. 

We were often also given many lines to write if no one owned up for example: A pupil threw a rubber at the Maths teacher whilst he was writing on the blackboard. I remember we had to write 100 times ‘Rubbers rub they do not fly!’

Dear Anna.  

Please, I am at the end of the line with my 14 year old son. He was expelled last year for being disruptive in class. Now the school have written to me and said he cannot come back. James was diagnosed with Autism and attention disorder at 13. What can I do? Is there a right to appeal or should I find a school that is more suited to his needs? James is super bright and was in line to take exams 

Many thanks 
Diana Waterford

Dear Diana,

Thank you for your email. You do have the right to challenge your son’s exclusion, and the school should have informed you of this process when the exclusion occurred. The following government guidance may be helpful, if your son attended a maintained school or an Academy:

https://www.gov.uk/government/publications/school-exclusion

If you believe your son was excluded due to a disability-related reason, you can separately make a claim of disability discrimination to the First-tier Tribunal before the school process concludes. 

More information can be found here:

https://www.gov.uk/complain-about-school/disability-discrimination

If the Tribunal rules in your favour, it can order actions that put your son in the position he would have been in if the discrimination hadn’t occurred, which could include reinstating him in the school.

Lastly, it’s important to ensure that all your son’s special educational needs are identified and met. If you haven’t done so already, you may want to apply for an Education, Health and Care (EHC) needs assessment.

This is the first step towards securing an EHC Plan (EHCP). The test for starting this assessment is whether your son may need a level of special educational provision that is only available through an EHCP. Given what you have said, this may possibly be the case.

Dear Anna,  

Hello love the column. My daughter lives with Autism, and she is a great singer and just so loveable. My ex-husband won’t hear about it and said I am indulging her and encouraging her to be different. I am looking for a school that caters to her needs even its a private school or theatre My parents are happy to. pay. My ex is trying to block it and threatening to take me back to court if I remove her from her present school that I do not feel caters to her needs. What can I do?

All my best 
Stephany Wimbledon 

Dear Stephany,

Thank you for reaching out and for your kind words about the column. I spoke to my husband Sean who supports the charity, and this is his area of expertise. It does sounds like you’re in a difficult situation.

My husband Sean shares:

Sean Kennedy

If your daughter has an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP), section 51 of the Children and Families Act 2014 gives you the right to challenge any part of the EHCP, including the school placement, even though a Tribunal if necessary. 

This right cannot be interfered with by other courts. While your ex-husband is entitled to express his views to the Tribunal, he cannot prevent you from exercising this right. However, your daughter’s opinions will also carry weight, particularly depending on her age and if she has capacity.

It is certainly an unfortunate situation. If your ex-husband is threatening to take this matter to the Family Courts and your daughter does not currently have an EHCP, I would strongly advise seeking legal advice from a family law specialist.

We both wish you all the best in navigating this,

Best Wishes,
Anna

Dear Anna, 

I am a big fan of yours and have been living all my life with various issues, it was my 16th birthday last week my mum held a party and I am not real social so I found it embarrassing and in the end  it was more about her. She even got drunk and went on and on about how proud she is of me- even with all my little ways. There was about five of my friends from school there with the rest of the mums. Anna I just want to leave home and get away from her. What should I tell her and is there any organisations that helps kids like me escape?

Blair Luton 

Dear Blair,

Thank you for reaching out and Happy 16th Birthday. Have you spoken to your mum about how you feel? Is there a relative that you can confide in about how you are feeling?

Parenting an autistic teen can be challenging for parents, so it’s important to seek support from other parents, support groups, or professionals who specialise in autism.

Are there any local support groups near to where you live? Leaving home is a huge step and you need to be well prepared and safe as a vulnerable young person. I hope things improve for you very soon and your relationship with your mum also improves.

Sending best wishes,
Anna

Has the interview selection for Colleges and Universities changes to aid those diagnosed on the autism spectrum? 

Colleges and universities are required to comply with the  Equality Act 2010. This means that if an individual with a statutory disability faces disadvantages during the interview process due to the effects of their disability, the institution must take reasonable steps to avoid these disadvantages.

For clarity, a statutory disability is defined in section 6, the Equality Act 2010. This section defines disability as a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on a person’s ability to perform normal day-to-day activities. To qualify, the impairment must significantly impact the individual’s ability to carry out activities that are considered normal for most people (including work and university study) and must have lasted, or be expected to last, at least 12 months.

It is important to note that conditions such as ADHD and ASD are not automatically classified as statutory disabilities, though they may be. The key consideration is how these conditions impact the individual. It follows that what are known as reasonable adjustments are specific to the individual. Importantly the university or college needs to be informed of any impairments before the section process.

While universities and colleges are not required to lower the competency levels expected of students, they must provide adjustments to the interview process where necessary.

There is a lot more to the Equality Act, but I trust this provides a useful overview and is, my husband has confirmed, is accurate.

Thank you,
Anna 

Please sponsor Autism’s Got talent for just £500 https://annakennedyonline.com/sponsoring-agt/

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I grow a beard ( Is it the latest trend ?)

https://www.grahammartinphotography.co.uk

As the singer Kelis would say, “Her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard”. One thing that will always bring many howling to the yard is a man with facial hair or, at the very least, that five o’clock shadow. From Prince William to David Beckham the “Beard ‘is in

In the late 70’s, the clones with their check shirts and ’taches emulated what many gay men saw as the ultimate heterosexual man with Tom Selleck and Burt Reynolds the undisputed poster boys. And let’s not forget the fantasy images of Tom of Finland. 

Image: Tom of Finland foundation

In my experience, much as the clones looked “hot”, what was on the lid was often not what was in the can. Many were hiding their dislike of their own sexuality by playing it pseudo straight, something that was compounded when, in New York in the 80s, I was outside the Munster Bar and a friend advised me, “Babe: if you get into any trouble scream for the drag queens. They will come running. The clones will just go hollering back into the bar.” 

Freddie Mercury brought the clone ’tache look back to life for Queen’s third studio album, “The Game” – a trend many said was inspired by the San Francisco gay clubs. The look was prevalent in London at Heaven, the Coleherne and the Earl’s Court Catacombs. Freddie is actually quoted as saying that when he looked back on all that black nail varnish, chiffon and satin, he thought, “God, what was I doing?”

The much-missed Freddie Mercury.

I recall having lunch with the late, amazing Kenny Everett and the Daily Mail journalist Lester Middlehurst in early 90s Los Angeles, when I couldn’t help but notice that both men had moustaches. Kenny was delightful and so very sweet. Still, he commented that I should really grow a ’tache. Men without them simply looked like women to him.

My partner of 18 years had a sexy ’tache, and his hair was standing up on the crown where someone had cut it too short, when I first spotted him. Devilishly handsome, I loved his ’tache. Although I’ve always remained smooth faced, I guess I always went with the theory that opposites attract. It just did not feel right to me if I missed even one day with the razor. 

Movember, the well-known charity, was behind my only attempt to grow a ’tache. One week in and friends kept asking if I had not washed. Two weeks on and it was starting to show, and though not impressive, it was there. A beautician friend of mine offered to get rid of a few nose hairs.

During the action she waxed half my newly sprouted moustache off. I let out a little shriek of horror. “WHERE’S MY MOUSTACHE GONE?” 

“Is that what that was?” came the reply.

It seems that 2020 saw an explosion of male facial hair adorning our screens. My favourite actor, Colin Farrell, makes me go weak at the knees with his Irish accent and ’tache. Eurovision, though cancelled, gave us the Russian band “Little Big”. Joining them from the gypsy Russian band “The Hatters” was Yuriy Muzychenko. 

Yuriy – “Little Big”.

Yuriy, with his many stages of facial hair, is sex on legs, as well as being uber-talented. Since “Little Big” seem to embrace the ’tache so easily, it’s a pity their stance on LGBTQ issues seems a little questionable. Tom Hardy and Jake Gyllenhaal are wearing the beard this season and it looks (as Americans would say) totally  awesome on them.

Colin Farrell. Phwoarrr.

Graham Martin, one of London’s premier LGBTQ photographers, has seen an explosion of his clients sporting facial hair. Graham, who himself wears a distinguished silver-fox goatee, tells me that half his male clientele have some sort of ’tache or beard, compared to around one in ten just five years ago. Designer stubble started sneaking in, and the odd ’tache. The demand for the more rough-and-rugged look started pushing ahead of the usually popular twink or surfer look. 

Your correspondent with Graham Martin.

It could be that the gay scene is evolving. When I first came out in the late 70s, I was told at the tender age of 16 to have fun as “you’re washed up by 25”. Nasty lies fed to me by the chicken-hawks, as they were called back then.

At one point during the groundbreaking (and sure to win every award going) “It’s a Sin”, written by Russell T Davies, two of the characters are chatting. Curtis tells Richie he slept with a man who was 36; both express their disgust. Arguably the gay scene has always been youth obsessed, with a tendency towards the Dorian Gray complex.

Still, change certainly has come upon us. The Daddies, Silver Fox and The Bear, Wolf and Well-Over-40 seem to be the new in. One Silver-Haired Daddy who is in his sixties, wearing a ’tache and beard, says he is inundated with young men wanting to meet, as well as guys his own age. All seem to love the beard.

Michael Edde is a popular barber in London’s Earl’s Court with a large gay clientele. He has seen a huge increase in beards and ’taches. 

Legendary barber Michael Deeds.

“The best way to get your beard looking good is to grow it for ten to fifteen days and have it professionally shaped”, says Michael. “Obviously during lockdown this is impossible. My recommendation is to use conditioner or beard oil, and you might try using Buddha clippers. Start with the highest gauge and work down till you get the shape you’re happy with. Many of my male clients love a beard.” 

Being on my own during lockdown, I gave up shaving for a day or two and decided I quite liked the look. The second time around I had better luck, and my ’tache seemed to come through strongly this time. I had a little help from Watermans’ “GROWME” shampoo.

https://watermanshair.com

By week four, I had a beard and a ’tache for the first time in my 59 years.

Reactions were, erm, varied. Some people burst out laughing. Two girlfriends thought I looked like a Joe Swash tribute act. But for the most part, it went down very well. Graham Martin thought it was an attribute. My ex loved it, and even my sister thought it was cool. One thing that did stand out is the fact I am ginger, and much as I have hidden this since I was 18 by dyeing my hair blond, there was no way of hiding it with the beard. Maybe in my sixth decade, embracing my red-headed Scots heritage might not be a bad thing. It has certainly been fun trying it, and it may be here to stay. 

Certainly now, I can say with conviction, “Who’s your Daddy?” 

Graham Martin photography 

https://www.menart.co.uk

Movember: charity for men’s health and suicide prevention 

https://uk.movember.com

Click here for Michael’s Barbers. 

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The School Bells ringing with Heidi Gammon

The queen of agony aunts is back answering your returning to school questions

https://www.counselling-foryou.co.uk/about-us

Catch Heidi on Gateway radio: https://www.gateway978.com/?s=Heidi+gammon+

Dear Heidi,  

My son has always been effeminate and neither my husband or myself have tried to change that. When he wanted to not do football and take up sewing (and he is good) we fully encouraged him. Now he is 15 he wants to return to school this term as a girl, going from David to Danielle. Heidi can I be honest, I am terrified for him and his safety.  The school say it is ok but my husband is against it. We just feel he is too young still what can we do? 

Diana, Sheffield. 

https://mermaidsuk.org.uk/helpline-support-services/


Hi Diana,

Thanks so much for your question, I think it is great you have always seen David for who he wants to be and fully supported him.  As with everything that should not change, and your love and protection is the number one thing he counts on.

David has made what might be seen to many as brave decision to start to transition into Danielle, and it can be a confusing and frightening time for Danielle and for those that love her.  But it also can be liberating and a wonderful thing for those that feel they have been born into the wrong body.

First, get some help for the family and Danielle:  https://mermaidsuk.org.uk

Mermaids is a brilliant trans charity and will be help you all.  Equally counselling with a therapist should help https://www.onetherapy.london/transgender-counselling-london/

Please make sure you keep an open conversation with Danielle, so there are no secrets. If you feel the reaction at school to Danielle is hurting her, go to the school right away. It is so important not to react negatively as you have been doing but talk to her about safety and  life moving forward.

Here is hoping it all goes well 

Love Heidi 

Heidi hi, 

My mother is a super bitch and is all about how things look. I am 17 and going to college this year and as it is a boarding college it is brilliant as I can get away from her showing off. Heidi, she thinks she is coming to see me settle in. I know it sounds like I am being unfair but all that will happen is she will come and make the whole thing about herself,  flirt with people and it will be an embarrassment.  Honestly I do not want to go if she is coming.  

Brendan, Richmond upon Thames. 

Hi Brendan, 

The narcissist mum https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b00jm3ms

Oh, bless you,  I am sure she wants the best for you. Parents are only human too and as we grow older, we sometimes see flaws in them as in all humans. Equally it is a good idea to talk to your parents as humans. You are 17 now so maybe tell her you want to make the move in and settle in on your own. 

It may cause a row if she asks why to tell her you sometimes find her a little embarrassing.  It can go either way  but it may get mum thinking .

I feel as a parent myself you always want your child to be happy and safe, so it’s understandable that she wants to see where you are living. When you are ready, show her where you are residing and then possibly whisk her out for a mum and son lunch ! 

Good luck 🤞 

Love you Heidi and need your help,  

Having lost my virginity last year to an older boy at my school, it did not take long to realise that my preference is girls. Then in Brighton in June this gorgeous girl came on to me and that was that.  

It was only a week in when I found out she is starting work at my college this term. Now I am 18 so not jailbait, but she said it would be an issue . What do I do when I see her? I am in love. 

Kim, Worthing. 

Hi Kim,

Oh, my love I feel your pain. If she says she cannot be in a relationship, there may be strict rules against this. I think she sounds sensible and will have checked.

It is a very new relationship and if it is true love maybe in three years’ time when you leave it can be rekindled. 

But please do not be holding a torch for the whole time. My thoughts are she would be more impressed if you went on with your life, met new people and grow as a person. 

Best of luck. 

Hi Heidi. 

My boyfriend is super-hot, he plays rugby and is a Queen’s dream. The only issue is when we go out everyone flirts with him and I am invisible. The main problem is he flirts back and tells me it is just fun, that I am to get over myself and that I am his man.  But I dread going out socially, especially to gay bars.  We have been together for two years; I am a teacher and he is a doctor.  I do not want to say anything in case I sound jealous or drive him away.  

Paul,  Battersea.

Hi Paul, 

This might sound crazy, but many beautiful looking people have issues finding love and making people feel secure in a relationship with them. 

It feels like you’re being insecure and I feel for you. Sit him down tell him you’re feeling insecure and you need some reassurances. Even get some couples counselling.

Best of luck 

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Gay Adoption ?


The Dadda & Daddy interview 

With Steven Smith at 2Shades magazine 

If there is one thing most people can agree on, it is that children need love, guidance and to feel safe. Now in 2024 we can acknowledge that this does not necessarily need to come from what has been seen as the traditional family of Mum and Dad. The face of the family does not always concur with the image of the Waltons or The Brady Brunch. It takes two Heterosexuals to make one of us as Boy George pointed out. Many have done a great job, but equally the horror and trauma many have left their children with after childhood are the story of Netflix shows. 

In this day in age the family can be two dads, two mums, a single parent or two lots of parents after a divorce. The end goal is for the child anyone raises to become a happy confident adult, one who knows they are loved and gives back in return. This would make for a kinder society. But of course, not all agree, and the far Christian right still scream in horror at the idea of gay marriage, let alone gay people adopting or having children. 

Steven Smith meets an LGBTIQQ hero Andi Ellis Smith who has adopted two children with husband Darren, and chats life and fatherhood.   

 Andi, how did you and Darren meet?

Darren and I met through a mutual friend on Facebook, but it turned out that we actually lived very close to each other.

  •  When did you both decide you wanted to have children?

Darren had always been vocal about wanting children whereas I was a little quieter about it. Initially, I would brush it off or change the subject, but I have also always wanted children. As a young gay man, I just wasn’t sure that it was available to me! 

  •  Why go the route of adoption over surrogate or foster?

Due to our careers (Darren is a Headteacher and prior to working in media and advocacy my working history is within the local authority and schools) we were acutely aware of how many children were in the system that needed a caring and loving home, and we felt that we were able to provide this.  It was always adoption for us.  The loose UK laws around LGBTQ+ surrogacy (at the time) also put us off that route.  We have seen first-hand how amazing foster carers can be and what a vital part in a child’s life they can play.  This is something that we would possibly consider once our children have grown up.

  •  How easy was it to get approved for adoption?

As you can imagine, there are lengthy checks by the adoption agency which include character references from friends/ family, DBS checks. employer checks / medicals and finance checks including many meetings with your social worker. In addition to this you will need to attend information and training sessions.

We believe that there is a misconceived understanding by many people that the adoption process takes years. In fact, the approval process in the UK usually takes around 6 months. The part that can take the longest is the family finding and matching, but this could mainly be due to how open the prospective adopters are to the type of care needs that they are willing to take on.

  •  Do you feel that the BBC drama “Lost Boys and Fairies” is a good comparison to your experience? 

To start off with the drama was a very good representation of the process, but I felt some of this got lost with some dramatisation in parts of the story, which is understandable.  I personally would have liked storylines to be more child-centred and without the usual exaggerated cliches, but it was a good watch.  The foster carer character was brilliant!  Each adoption journey is different with twists/ turns and highs/ lows, so it would be good to see more representation of adoption on prime time tv.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/m001wzp2/lost-boys-and-fairies

  •  What advice would you give to other LGBTQQ couples hoping to adopt?

Be open with your social worker and don’t hide anything, your social worker will end up knowing more about you than anyone else!    I always say to people to be at a point in your life where you are able to give 100% of your time and focus to the process as it will take over your life.

  • One of the first highly published couples Linda Riley and Sarah Garrett have two children together and set up “The Alternative Parent show”. As well as massive support for the couple (who have since split up), the Christian Right were very vocal of their disapproval. What do you say to those who think children should have a Mum and Dad?

Sarah Garrett, right, organiser of the Alternative Parenting Show, with her ex-partner Linda and their twins Phoenix and Sophia. Photograph: Linda Nylind for the Guardian

Besides breast feeding, there is nothing that my children could get from a mother that they don’t get from their two dads.  Let’s be honest about this, the majority of children in the care system come from families where there is a mum and dad.  We did an article for publication about adoption when we first started our family; most of the comments were positive but there were a few archaic comments of ‘this child needs their mum’ !  I think some people are just very uneducated about it.  Safeguarding thresholds in the UK are incredibly high and birth families are given many chances (sometimes too many) before children are removed, so to say that ‘every child needs their mum’ ….is just a bizarre statement.

I am proud to have been a part of the Modern Family Show for 3 years now, this is Europe’s largest family building event and helps inform LGBTQ+ on their options for parenthood. The show is coming to London on 28th September 2024.  you can get

tickets here :   https://www.eventbrite.co.uk/e/the-modern-family-show-london-2024-tickets-726689125737?discount=ADVOCATEANDI

  • Once you have adopted, how much help in the following years is there for parents?

We have needed support for both of our children post adoption as we have seen a huge decline in services post pandemic.  It is a bit of a myth that you can ask for support post adoption and you will just get it.  The post adoption fund is available, but you do have to go through assessments and meetings to be able to access it and, like everything these days, there are long waiting lists which can be frustrating.  

Adopted children (known as Previous LAC (Looked after children) can access certain support such as going to the top of admissions criteria for some schools (always check the policy!) and their educational setting will be able to access certain funding pots, so it is really important to be honest with the school that the child is adopted.

  • Your first child – your daughter – has numerous medical diagnoses. This must take up a huge amount of time. Were you aware of this at the point of adoption and  is there much support for you around this?

Our daughter does have complex needs.  We were aware that she may have some difficulties due to genetic conditions and from information that was provided to us pre-adoption.  As time has gone on, we have received further diagnosis.  

What is difficult is dealing with professionals not doing what they should, following up on appointments and fighting for the support for different services.  The other part that can be tricky is people’s attitudes towards SEN and inclusion.

  1.  Has there ever been a point when one of your children ask why they have two dads? How do you explain this and what about when they are asked at school?

Our son is very inquisitive about everything!  We always talk about different families and have lots of books featuring characters from all family background and cultures.  I like his way of thinking; he flips it and asks why people don’t have two daddies or why do they have a mum! 

I do think that a lot of children just accept things these days, of course there are exceptions to this. However, my children’s classmates have always known that they have two dads, even from when they have been at nursery from aged 2 and childminders.  One child once said to my daughter’s key worker that he thought it was unfair she had two dads because he only had one!

  1.  Can you tell us how you are involved with Anna Kennedy online? 

Earlier this year I became a Charity Champion for Anna Kennedy.  We have done some fund raising and held virtual coffee mornings for the LGBTQ+ community, which is a safe space for people who belong to this group to come and chat to others.  This can be other LGBTQ+ parents or those who are neurodiverse and LGBTIQQ+.

  1.  What do you two beautiful people relax or do to look after yourselves?

We love spending time with friends and family.  We enjoy days out and lots of walks (or running after the children). As a couple we love outings to the theatre or concerts and we both try and get to the gym as and when we can!

END 
 

https://www.mytwodadspodcast.com

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The Church of David Hoyle

The Church of David Hoyle  by Steven Smith

“Atelier”

David is on next Thursday at The Royal Vauxhall Tavern

this is a review of a previous show

DAVID HOYLE’S THINK TANK

The Vauxhall Tavern, Thursday 10th August 2023 through to September 

5 stars xxxxx

A David Hoyle show is a truly unique experience and it is meant to be.  I once described him as Kate Bush’s and Lyndsey Kemp’s love child. His talent is undeniable, and he asks his audience, as he narrates, to think out of the box with him. 

As you look around the packed room, it mirrors “Warhol’s Factory. From the lady you feel sure may have been one of Warhol’s prodigy in her hay day with the bright pink hair, Trans adorned Hoyle’s congregations long before it became a topic of conversation. But it is not just the LGBTIQQ community that worship here. Men in suits that look like they have come from the city or just people who love art or good conversation can be found at David Hoyle shows.

” Everyone is beautiful in this room” David assures us all.  

The atmosphere is electric before David even enters the room. If people-watching is your thing, part of the experience is to join liked-minded people before the show gets going. The excitement is mounting as a virgin David audience member whispers to me,

“I just love drag”. 

“He is not drag”, I replied, well not in the traditional form: you won’t see Hoyle entering “Ru Paul Drag Race” any day soon. Certainly, he appears in tattered stockings and a night dress that had seen better days. 

I would love to hear Michelle Visage questioning Hoyle’s sewing skills (I’d pay to witness  his reply!).

Hoyle is simply art. You never know which David you’re getting and it reflects how he feels about the state of the world that night.  One show he will walk on stage dressed like Frank N Furter meets Bowie’s Space Oddity, oozing glamour. The next show his hair will be in bunches like Violet Elizabeth, his tooth having fallen out, talking about poverty as an artist. Or he walks on with his face bare, a few nights after the Manchester bombing (his now home town), opening his heart to the pain we are all feeling.

He moves amongst us handing out autographed prints of his actual artwork. Hoyle uses his audience as his paint brushes. He asks those at the front why they have taken prime position if they did not want him to point them out.

Hoyle does not take cheap shots at people unlike so many that humiliate audience members. Even when confronted by the more difficult patron. To this day it still makes me chuckle to think about when he asked a slightly drunk man what he did. “I do what you do”, grandly the man replied. 

Hoyle retorted, “Really! I had no idea I was generic!”

Hoyle will make fun of himself, asking if anyone fancies a 61-year-old homosexual with a bridge tooth, he chats about the difficulties of dating as an older gay man.  David gives sermons on not fitting in the box, or on everyday life as an artist, or those that do not want to conform or those that do. He does not ask you to agree or disagree, but merely to think. This may not sound like a form of entertainment, but it is, and he packs out venues with those wanting to hear him.

Hoyle always finishes off by doing a portrait of an audience member. Again it could be ritual humiliation but instead the chosen one is always made to feel special, but the audience is in hysterics. 

David is so very special , and it is a joy to walk away having seen someone so gifted who often bares more than his soul to his audience .  Please go see this icon. 

https://www.instagram.com/davidhoyleuniversal/?hl=en

https://linktr.ee/DavidHoyle

David is on next Thursday at The Royal Vauxhall Tavern .

DAVID HOYLE’S THINK TANK
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Lifestyle People

Walking for Autism 2024 Friday the 23rd of August

Richard Steven’s and best friend Goddo Debattista are walking from Watford football ground this Friday to 12 stadiums and back
In aid of Anna Kennedy Online (Autism Charity)  

https://annakennedyonline.com

This weekend best friend Richard Steven’s and Goodo Debattista are returning for “Walk for Autism 2024 “The Stadium Tour raising awareness and acceptance of autism and raising funds for the autism charity, Anna Kennedy Online.

This year they will be walking around London past 12 stadiums on a 65 mile walk over one weekend. Starting and ending from Watford’s Vicarage Road Stadium, walking past The Emirates, Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, Stamford Bridge, Wembley Stadium to name a few!

The aim is to raise awareness of charities like AnnaKennedyOnline continue to support autistic people and their families. As well as well needed fund for the charity.

Richard and Goddo will be wearing t-shirts made by Born Anxious with a robin on them. This is to remember Robin Windsor who was heavily involved with the charity Anna Kennedy Online 

Richard himself has been diagnosed with Autism and his youngest son. 

They have received support from Alison Hammond, Katie Piper. Frank Lampard and Alan Titchmarsh 

https://www.gofundme.com/f/walk-for-autism-the-stadium?lang=en_GB&utm_campaign=fp_sharesheet&utm_medium=customer&utm_source=copy_link&sfnsn=scwspwa
T-shirts for the walk will have a robin on them designed by https://workforgood.co.uk/businesses/born-anxious/ in memory of the beautiful Robin Windsor

Call Steven Smith 07969106222 spman@btinternet.com for press

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A look at Addiction

Steven Smith looks at the affect addiction has on us all, how it can be so prolific among the LGBTQ community, the often-misguided views people have about those living with addiction, and of course shares his own tale.

November 26th, 2010, the phone rang with news I had been expecting—my lifelong friend Lester Middlehurst, the witty, Machiavellian, and brilliant journalist was dead at 55. He had been in coma for days after a suspected suicide attempt.

I know how I was supposed to feel to the world. But putting down the phone, there was complete numbness followed by anger, and then an overwhelming relief that the man who had formerly been my friend, but had in later years become my tormenter was no longer. No more waking to drunken abusive messages, or being the brunt of his jokes or outburst at parties, and I’d no longer have to apologise to other people for his behaviour towards them.

Lester in his prime

Lester Middlehurst was one of the first openly gay staff members at The Daily Mail. He was legendary. At the coroner’s inquest it turned out he had not killed himself, rather his death certificate said that he died of a hypoxic brain damage attack. Everyone agreed it was his addictive lifestyle that killed him.

Sadness

Lester was one the most addicted people that I have ever met, and he was my friend and I loved him. A month later I must have spent a day crying over him. The sadness was really that he never got help for his addiction, and you could say that my lack of knowledge of it prevented me from helping him…but that would be romanticising a terrible situation.

Back in 2009 I got him to agree to attend the Meadows Clinic in Arizona, but the next day he told me not to be so stupid. In truth, I did not feel strong enough to stand up to him. As my knowledge about addiction has grown, I have become more aware that there was nothing I could have done unless Lester had wanted to do anything about it.

According to the Centre of Addiction, members of the LGBTQ community are at greater risk of substance use and mental health issues compared to those identifying as heterosexual.

Members of the LGBTQ community face chronically high levels of stress, often due to having to suffer from social prejudice and discrimination. Fear, isolation, and depression increase the chances of self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. As a man that has lived a life in big cities, I have witnessed addiction in all classes and types of people. Addiction is a mistress that does not care who she dances with, yet the LGBTQ community are often her favourite partners.

As the self-confessed addict, actor Russell Brand explains that the distinction of any compulsive or addictive behaviour is when it begins to negatively impact on the rest of your life.

Compulsive

So, you might love chocolate so much that you’ll ignore all logical reasoning, “I have to have chocolate…I have to have chocolate…I don’t care what else happens”. If you’re crashing your car because of chocolate, that’s a problem.

According to Wikipedia, addiction is a brain disorder characterised by compulsive engagement in a rewarding stimulation despite adverse consequences.

Of course, addiction is certainly an illness and not a lifestyle choice, and if we are honest, addiction is in all of us in some way or another.

For me, I just can’t not buy a large French baguette, cut a few slices off, and put it back for later. I end up devouring the whole thing. Subsequently, I do not buy French baguettes unless I am feeling poorly. Whether it’s chocolate, coffee, or your favourite tipple, we all have cravings.

Russell Brand

Much as Russell Brand is right, there are so-called functioning addicts who you would not even realise are hooked on their drug of choice, and it can take many years for the effects to begin to show. Often referred to as “high functioning addicts” owing to their having powerful jobs or enough money to effectively hide their addiction from others. This knocks on the head the commonly presented image of an addict being down-and-out or living on the streets. According to the American Psychiatric Association, there is no such thing…they are all just addicts who have created coping mechanisms.

My father, God rest his soul, came home after holding down a high-powered job and drank whisky every day of his life, yet he would be horrified at the idea of being described as an addict. But when he left hospital after lung cancer removal surgery, he sat down and demanded, “Get me a whisky and a cigarette.” On the suggestion that was not a good idea and that he would end up back in hospital, he snapped “Are you threatening me?”

Growing up, I was told that an addict was someone who got up and drank first thing. Drinking after coming home from work and weekends was seen as normal for many in the 60s and through to the 90s. All of our soaps were featured around a pub, making alcohol look like a socially acceptable way of life.

I had a volatile relationship with my dad, but his fight with cancer gave me a better understanding of the nature of his addiction and where it had come from. He had been a talented jazz trumpeter and played with the BBC orchestra, but his nerves had come to the forefront and he started to self-medicate by having a few whiskies before his shows. Eventually, he gave up and started a family, but the drinking did not stop.

Charismatic

My father adored my best pal who also fights  addiction, and is a truly remarkable human being who I was fortunate to love, and my dad did not like many people. The two were like two peas in a pod and talked for ages.

Spending time with my dad before he died made me wonder whether, if he had managed to overcome obvious anxiety and continued playing, perhaps he would have been happier. Of course, back then mental health was seen by many as a weakness and not to be spoken about.

My world has been filled with people who are addicts in one form or another. They are the most charismatic and amazing people and the arts are full of them. In my opinion, they all have one thing in common—they can snap and become almost frightening at the drop of a hat, and then suddenly they are wonderful and make you feel like you mean the world when they are OK. Sadly, during my childhood there was more of the former with my dad. Though I knew in the end that he loved me.

There are so many people living with addiction, anxiety, and mental health issues who are in denial. Even with all the help groups and open discussions there seems to be a quite a bit of stigma attached to it still.

Dr Pam Spurr, a popular self-help expert and radio television personality, says she often encounters people who are in denial about their issues that are the source of their addiction problems. They say things like “I just have a little problem with confidence” which ignores the fact that they drink excessively to help make them feel more confident. Or they say, “I only drink after work to take the edge off.” But when they count up the units, they are far in excess of government guidelines. It’s at times like these that I encourage them to think honestly about their drinking (or drug taking) and consider expert advice.

Dr Pam

Many addicts get clean either by joining the 12-step programme, by checking into rehab, or by seeking counselling. The journey of recovery can be different and what works for one person might not work for another person. It is important to point out that as much as the newspapers show pictures of celebrities dashing off to glamorous-looking rehabs, getting into a state-run rehab in the UK can be very difficult for mere mortals.

While helping a friend who was using OxyContin (a pain killer) and had got into a mess from ordering online and then become addicted, the general health services did not want to know. Even going through other channels, she was advised that her chances of getting into rehab were slim, although she did come away from it with a strong network of friends around her.

A beautiful girlfriend of mine found her sobriety in a man as her anchor who was also living with addiction. They have both been clean for seven years now.

Living in LA, the 12 steppers (12 step programme) were like the mafia, and rumour had it that all the best movie deals were done at their meetings and also that many there did not have addiction issues and instead just wanted to pitch ideas.

There is no doubt that the 12-step programme helps many, and even if the meetings can become the new addiction it’s a healthy one.

I agree with Doctor Pam that it is amazing how much of a lack of understanding there is about addiction.

Cake

My gorgeous bubbly friend Monica is originally from California. She is a super bright academic having gone to Yale, lectured all over the world, and she also ran a school for a while.

Yet three years ago she decided to open an up-market catering company as her award-winning chef sister is a goddess in the business. People actually beg for invites to try her canapés.

Lunch with Monica is always fun—it starts off with “Darling shall we share a cake after?” Despite being gorgeous, she is always on some kind of diet. Her little addiction would be cake.

Like one or two other intellectuals I have met with qualifications coming out of every orifice, their life skills sometimes leave me speechless. Despite having a gay brother, she once commented on a photo shoot involving five men I had directed “Is the man with his foot up against the wall a sign he is gay?” I replied “No darling, there are no secret signs; it’s a James Dean inspired clothing shoot.” She just smiled and continued eating.

Today, however, she was on the warpath. She was catering for a big party we had worked on together to get celebrities at. One of the celebs had behaved inappropriately to some of the other guests and to a couple of waitresses.

She was not amused when I laughed, “Well darling, at least he did not get his cock out and try and pee in the champagne fountain like at my other friend’s launch. How that did not end up in the papers is beyond me.” I got the school ma’am look.

He was living with addiction – not surprising considering his childhood trauma and the abuse he lived with. He really should not have been drinking. I am not excusing him, but it’s not the end of the world that I did not invite him to the next few. I said that I’d have a word. Her eyes got wider, and she seemed shocked that I had empathy with the celebrity at all. She wanted him banned for life.

Taboo

As much as I have some reservations about the 12-step programme, saying you’re sorry to those you may have hurt is not easy to do, but it sometimes isn’t enough. I started talking about addiction, and a few minutes in it was clear that it was going nowhere, even though I was sharing this with someone highly intelligent.

Addiction remains a taboo subject. There are so many people in denial and as much as the newspapers are full of celebrity headlines about them being addicted, most of us don’t want to talk about it or feel labelled by it.

A year ago my phone rang—it was a friend who had come out of family day at a rehab centre that her daughter was attending. She was fuming that they suggested that it may run in the family, “They had better not be blaming this on me. I have no addiction.” She was not amused when I laughed “It’s not about you and I will remind you of that next time you refuse to come home from the bar or spend two weeks obsessing about something.”

Outside those who are counsellors, therapists, and those who talk openly about their addiction and some of their loved ones, I have found very few people who understand those living with addiction.

A very wise woman, author, presenter, and journalist, Jane Moore was one person who seemed to understand it. Lester and Jane were great friends and the two together were hysterical. Yet Lester had gone on a tirade about her and I was mortified since she was a true loyal friend to him, and he was starting to run out of friends due to his behaviour.

Lester Middlehurst and Jane Moore

While ringing her and offering full apologies asking her not to fall out with him, she calmly said, “I could never be offended by Lester. He is hurting too much, but he’s lucky to have a friend in you.”

At the time I just thought, but I wish if I had taken those words more to heart I might not have taken his behaviour personally and got as hurt as I did in the end. It helped later in life as I saw the pain addiction brings too.

The LGBTQ community have learnt to talk more as we have needed to be heard to survive. Most surveys say that a larger proportion of those identifying drug and alcohol use as a coping mechanism are LGBTQ, but I beg to differ.

I have sat in many restaurants and bars in London watching the city boys and their entourage go back and forth to the toilets, passing each other along the way. I am pretty sure they are not the kind found in the survey.

Addiction is a worldwide human crisis according to the World Drug Report. Unless we start talking about it, spotting the signs at an early age, and treating it as an illness, many will die with all the new and powerful drugs flooding the market. Whole towns have been wiped out in the US due to drug addiction.

Chemsex is the consumption of drugs to facilitate sexual activity. Both terms refer to a subculture of recreational drug users who engage in high-risk sexual activities under the influence of drugs within groups. Chemsex parties are said to be prolific on the London gay scene, but that is a different story. Not wanting to be righteous, I have no experience of it or want to engage in it. Recent reports in the gay press say chemsex parties are held across UK, but there is a correlation between addiction and sex shame.

The perfect storm

David Stewart of 56 Dean Street, an award-winning HIV and sexual health clinic in the heart of London, explains that this trend is driven by a convergence of factors: “Vulnerable gay men with issues around sex, new drugs that tapped into that problem and changing technology. What they call the perfect storm.”

There was enough of a problem for the government to lay out guidelines in 2017.

Actress Danielle Westbrook, who I have interviewed many a time, put it simply to me, “Look Steve, you get ten people at a party and they all try coke for the first time. Four never try it again, four have it once in a blue moon, and two poor things are addicted six months later.”

The answer would be to never take the risk, but human nature is never that simple.

My friend Lester will never come back but it led me to have so much more of an understanding of addiction and how to protect myself around addiction. Many of the world’s  beautiful people are soldiers fighting addiction every day of their lives.

Relevant links

For the whole story on Lester Middlehurst see  It Shouldn’t Happen To A Hairdresse

http://www.thecabinchiangmai.com

Dean Street is in Soho to help with all types of issues from chemsex, HIV, sexual health, and counselling.

http://dean.st/chemsex-support/

https://www.gayandsober.org/meeting-finder-great-britain

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Is everyone a little bit racist?

Steven Smith asks the question in these troubling times.
Is everyone a little bit racist?

In the wake of current events, “Tales of a single, middle-aged gay man” looks at the question, “Is everyone unintentionally a little racist?” Are we, as a society, guilty of labelling others just at a glance? Does our upbringing dictate our fear of others that might be perceived to be different from us? How can we move forward and make changes, so everyone is seen as equal?

These days, you cannot escape the “Black Lives Matter” slogan. It’s everywhere and it breaks my heart that we still have to hear those words. We think of ourselves as a civilised society and yet some of us still feel the need to proclaim that their lives have value. Even during the pandemic, crowds of people are taking to the streets begging to have their voices heard. 

Strike at the root

Why in 2020 do people feel that their lives matter less, and why does anyone need reminding that a life matters? We all breathe the same air and wake up with similar hopes, dreams and stresses. Why should anyone feel that others think they or their very lives matter less? It is time to make sure that future generations never have to be reminded that a life matters. As with so many serious problems, you must strike at the root. Since no-one is actually born a racist, let’s teach children we are all the same.

A racist – someone who believes that other races are not as good as their own and therefore treats them unfairly, discriminating against other races, religions or others they perceive as a minority group.

Avenue Q

Five years ago, I was sitting in the hugely uncomfortable Noel Coward Theatre, wondering if the Marquis de Sade had designed the seats especially for people under 5’ 2” who hadn’t eaten anything in the previous year. Putting that aside, I am here to see one of my guilty pleasures, “Avenue Q”. It’s a kind of adult puppet show that has me in stitches every time. But there is one song in particular in the show that makes me a little uncomfortable: “Everyone is a little racist”. Princeton Puppet asks Kate Monster, “You’re a monster, right, so are you related to Tricky Monster, my neighbour?” Horrified, Kate tells him she finds that racist. Princeton goes on to point out some of her racist qualities, and they burst into song. 

Avenue Q.

“Everyone is a little bit racist at times.” Now, I’m sure many people reading this will be thinking to themselves – I may not be perfect, but racist is one thing I’m not. 

That’s exactly what I thought as I left the theatre “Do not put me in that category.” At the same time, Kate Monster’s indignant reaction touched a nerve with me. You wouldn’t believe the number of times in my life I’ve been asked if I know a certain gay person, just because I’m gay too. 

The gay book

One woman at a wedding party in Guernsey charged up to me and before formal introductions could be made, blurted out, “I hear you’re gay! David from EastEnders is gay, do you know him?” My reply was, “No, but I’ll look him up in the gay book.” Her eyes widened with excitement. “There’s a book?” I assured her there was (she did not get irony), and off she popped to tell her friends, who seemed to find me of great interest because of my sexuality. Was it ignorance, racism, homophobia or just misguided? Either way, it did not make me feel very comfortable and I kept an eye out to make sure a wicker man was not being built in the town square that weekend.

Yes, as members of the human race most people can be racist, many unintentionally, even if it is just a little bit. This topic is close to my heart for personal reasons, which is why I’ve hesitated to comment until now. Take my beautiful best friend of ten years, Dee. Her amazing personality and talent were what hit me first, not the colour of her skin. 

My eyes go to the heavens when I hear, “This is my gay friend.” My friends are not categorised by skin colour, sexuality or religious belief, but by who they are as people – their loyalty, personality and kindness. This is what I see as a human being.  

The N word

Colour only comes into play when a friend shares with me (for instance) that when she was a little girl, she had a friend who was white and who loved to play outside with her. One day she rushed to meet her, and the girl told her that her mum had said she could not play with her anymore, as she was a n—–. My friend rushed home in tears and told her mum what had happened. Her mother replied that sometimes in this world people are not very nice. As my friend recounted this story, I could see – from her eyes, her body language – that it had left a lifelong scar. 

How do we fix this, so no child feels discriminated against? Taking to the streets in a peaceful, safe protest is one way. But let’s not get into a mob mentality, or the agenda changes. Let’s keep things in perspective. There is no doubt that Churchill, Gandhi and many more celebrated historic figures, by today’s standards, were racist, due to the nature of society at the time. If we judge them on a way of life back then it brings nothing to the table, as – where do we stop? If a statue needs to come down because atrocities have been proven to have been committed let’s lobby to get it down. There are ways to deal with this, but vigilante behaviour isn’t one of them. 

Nor am I convinced that we’ll get anywhere by banning old TV shows. We need them as historic references to start with, and if we allow censorship to come into play here, where does it stop? Waking up to hear that the “Faulty Towers” episode “The Germans” (sometimes known as “Don’t Mention the War”) had been banned was the final straw. “Little Britain” has gone too, apparently, as it causes offence.

Racism off the scale

If you want to see real racist shows you only have to go back to the 70s and watch the likes of Alf Garnett or “George and Mildred”. The homophobia, sexism and racism is off the scale from Hylda Baker in “Not on Your Nellie”, which was primetime Sunday viewing in the UK at one time. In one opening scene, she asks a police officer for directions and when he turns around and she sees he is black, she tells him, “You won’t know as you’re not from here either.” 

Benny Hill is a programme steeped in misogyny, homophobia and racism, but still embraced in the US as quintessential British humour, and the classic Carry On films are full of the same. “Bo’ Selecta!” came under fire from Trisha Goddard, yet Mel B embraced it and appeared on the show, as did the singer Craig David. “White Chicks” is still one of my favourite comedy films, where two black police officers dress up as two white society girls. 

Trying to alter the past to make it more acceptable is always futile. Sure, petition and lobby for a statue to be removed that’s celebrating someone’s life if they’ve turned out to be an evil character, but let’s all have a say, not just a small group deciding what comes down or up. We need reminding of what can happen if we do not keep things in check. 

How would you feel?

There are so many people going on about “All Lives Matter”, and they’re so right, but completely missing the point: nobody is saying that black lives matter more, just that black lives matter as much as anyone else’s. Could you imagine if this was you in the picture below and it referred to your forefathers – how would you feel?

We may not be born racist, but it’s a poisonous lesson many of us learn even from our first day at school. Growing up, my dad hated the Welsh. He was always on about the fella who stole his army uniform when he was in the services. “Never trust them.” He went on tarring an entire country with the same brush, though he had a soft spot for Katherine Jenkins. Much as I knew this was just ridiculous, on my first visit to Cardiff there was a slight nervous feeling. It had been bred into me as a small child, even though I knew most of what my dear dad said was racist, homophobic and misogynistic. His generation sat around in bars and clubs, judging others.

Enoch Powell

I remember childhood visits to family and friends, in whose mouths (you would think) butter wouldn’t melt. Grandmothers and mums would sit knitting away and make a comment like, “I don’t mind the coloureds as long as they don’t move in next door to us, it brings the property price down.” Or even as an adult, a friend’s mum saying (much to his horror), “Enoch Powell had the right idea, you know.” His Rivers of Blood speech is still thought to be an acceptable way of thinking for some, let’s not forget. 

It would make a difference, surely, if schools were more proactive in teaching children that we’re all made in the same human mould, and bullying and looking down on people is never acceptable. From day one, yes, we may have different heritages but let’s embrace and learn about cultures and approach them inclusively.

My musical influences, as well as Bowie and Marc Bolan, included the brilliant Diana Ross and Motown sounds in general. There was also the beauty of the jazz greats such as Nina Simone and Ella Fitzgerald. Moving to London was my first time mixing with other cultures and hitting clubs like the Embassy and Bangs Adams. It was exciting to be dancing to the likes of Grace Jones and Sister Sledge, and my only thought about those who had darker skin was how beautiful they looked. 

Diana Ross.

On my first visit to New York, it really hit me how racist people can be. “Do not go to that area, it’s a black neighbourhood.” “Why not?” I asked. “It’s dangerous.” And there were lots of comments about black people from those who looked like civilised people. This was in the early 80s. Needles to say, being me, I explored Harlem and the Bowery, despite their warnings. But why are there “black” neighbourhoods even now? Besides which, other people suggesting these neighbourhoods are too dangerous to enter is one of the things that keeps segregation alive. 

Harlem in the 70s.

New York is one of the more tolerant states. It makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up when people tell me they know the US when they have just visited one city. Go to Dallas and travel a few miles out where life is all church and sport, and you will be gobsmacked at the homophobia and racism. Take a side trip from LA through San Diego to the beautiful town of La Jolla, and you can sit for hours without seeing one black person. I know this as I worked there.

Hair

One thing in favour of the US is that to become a hairdresser you must be able to do all types of hair and their state board exam mirrors this. As a result, I can do starfighters, jerry curls and all types of black hair.

The same cannot be said for the UK, where there are for the most part separate salons. Several times when I have turned up to a job and the actress or model was black, their faces dropped when they saw a white boy. One in particular shook her head: “I am just back from Michigan and spent £600 on this weave. No offence honey, no white boy’s getting near it.” In the end, she was very happy with the result. Still, here at least, the UK needs to learn from America, and make sure all hairdressers can work with all types of hair. 

Dee and I are often mistaken for a couple and even though we are not, we have had our fair share of bad attitudes from both black and white waiters and others, even in cosmopolitan London. At a funeral of a friend’s mother who originated from the Caribbean I was waiting at the church. The mourners were largely black. As I stood there, I was twice asked to park the car and others seemed to think I was working there and asked me for various things. Then one asked if I was related to our friend’s husband, who was white. When I said no, he replied, “Easy mistake, you all look the same.” 

There is no doubt in my mind racism is learnt and is everywhere. I’m not sure that sudden efforts at drastic change, made in the heat of the moment, will last. Let us start from the core with groups like Diversity Role Models and others going into schools. Let’s talk about issues without everyone name calling, and stop telling the young people anyone from another race is worth less or has odd ways. Let’s embrace all cultures in a positive light.

It leaves me wondering: if an alien nation attacked earth, as humans, would we all come together in unity to fight back? Looking at the governments we have today, I doubt it. After all, they can’t even agree what to do when our planet is being attacked by a virus. 

END

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Happy Birthday Madonna from 2SHADES

This article first appeared three years a go but just as current . The Church of Madonna by Steven Smith.

It’s a warm night in Athens and there is a gentle wind blowing through the Pictures Restaurant, which is lit by candles, making it a perfect atmosphere for dinner.

My weekend hosts have joined me: the divine Atticus  (a self-confessed Greek Diva with oodles of style, wit and charm) and his partner Count Alex, a man you can describe in one word, “Class”: this, and he is a walking encyclopaedia. Plus, Adam, my best pal, had jetted in from Asia. He has just started a course on sex addiction to add to his qualification as a counsellor. You can guarantee that tonight is going to be packed with fascinating conversation, debate and humour and (hopefully) good food.

Nonetheless, it is not too long into the conversation before the M word comes up (NO, not monogamy). Madonna.

Madame X

She seems to have a way of popping into so many evenings as a subject in my life, and not just among my male gay friends. I have on occasion wanted to say, “LET’S NOT TALK ABOUT MADONNA” but how can we not, when so many of my friends are devotees of The Church of Madonna?

In fairness, Atticus has just managed to obtain a ticket to see Madonna, or her alter ego Madame X, at the London Palladium next year.

“I want to see the whites of my fans’ eyes and get up close and personal – give them something back,” she explained to presenter Rylan Clark on the BBC’s One Show, as an explanation for her choosing to do a theatre tour.

Atticus is sitting in great Royal Circle seats, but I enquire, “Will she be using binoculars to see the whites of your eyes?” He replies, “BITCH!’

A hint of jealousy on my part? No! To be honest I am thrilled for my friends who have tickets, but a little dig is always camp.

Awkward

The subject stays on Madonna and that rather awkward interview she gave on The Graham Norton Show. Madonna was not the only guest that evening. Director Danny Boyle and actors Lily James and Himesh Patel were also on to chat about their new film, Yesterday. They were on first, and to be truthful I couldn’t wait for them to finish and M to appear. But finally, she appears: the audience goes wild, as do I (though only in my front room).

Host Graham Norton with (seated left to right) Sir Ian McKellen, Madonna, Danny Boyle, Lily James, and Himesh Patel during the filming for the Graham Norton Show at BBC Studioworks 6 Television Centre, Wood Lane, London, UK on June 13, 2019. Photo by Isabel Infantes/PA Wire/ABACAPRESS.COM

But for once Madonna looks a little uncomfortable. Maybe it’s the fact she’s dressed as Madam X, complete with a Betty-Davis-inspired eye patch from the film The Anniversary,making her look like she’s arrived at a fancy-dress party and no one else has bothered to make the effort to get a costume.

She was obviously on to promote her ninth number one US album, Madam X. It is her fourteenth studio album and deservedly also her biggest critical success to date, but you have the feeling she wants to go home and change. This sense is fortified when Graham asks her to take a seat and she seems to have problems sitting down on the couch

“I am not used to sitting with this many people. Is there room?” Madonna asks.

Then there’s a problem with the actual costume. “Someone’s tied my corset too tight, my boobs keep popping up,” Madonna points out as she sits down, pulling her jacket over her breasts.

The interview does not go well, and she actually says, when asked “Do you ever get anxious?”:

“Yes, right now.”

It’s a mile away from the fun she seemed to have with Rylan Clark on the BBC One Show. Madonna seemed to adore him. She managed to cap it all by seemingly insulting our “national treasure”, Sir Ian McKellen, by asking what he did.

Exhibitionism

Though it has been misquoted (she asked what he did on his one-man show), she was vague and rather distant.

“She is an introvert really,” says Atticus, and Adam agrees. They go on to say you can be a performer and still be an introvert.

Yes, I have met many introverts whose drug of choice has been exhibitionism, making them look like extroverts.

Once the mask is dropped for a minute or they’re not comfortable, they can make for awkward conversation, or if in the public eye they can often come over as rude in interviews.

The singer Cher says Madonna is not the best singer or dancer and to quote her, “She has taken straw and spun it into gold”: a little harsh. Marlene Dietrich and Marilyn Monroe, both of whom Madonna takes inspiration from, were not the best singers or dancers but their images captured the time and a nation’s heart.

Madonna is a brilliant creative genius who has captured the moments of many of our lives and mirrored them in her songs and her imagery.

Whilst Cher’s songs are pleasant bubble-gum music (despite dishing Madonna she asked her to write for her), Madonna has something to say to us as quoted in the hit song “Express Yourself”. From “Papa Don’t Preach” (talking about abortion) to the current “God Control” (talking about gun control), Madge has never shied away from preaching to us and we have lapped it up.

Madonna has been in my life since my late teens and I have related to her more than most people, as she seemed to be thinking what I was at the most crucial moments of my adult life.

A stunning Amanda Lear performance at Heaven in the early eighties left me spellbound as she entered the stage in white leather on a chauffeured motorbike. Jumping off, she took off her helmet and let fall her thick blonde hair, shortly to be joined by leather-clad male dancers. It was spectacular.

A year later and someone I had never heard of was on at Heaven. Madonna was billed as a New York club-scene darling. She had two dancers and was cute and wore a hat, but she did not have her act polished and certainly seemed to lack the stage presence of Lear. Still, she had something, and she stuck in my mind.

Not that it really compares but I’d just qualified as a hairdresser and was also finding my way and not quite polished, so I guess when she burst into the charts and I recognised her, there was a feeling of “Well done girl”. And I began, like many, to champion her. There was something that she had that’s important in a star – the public related to her quickly. Girls (and some boys) emulated the look: she could be your friend, lover or sister. She was the naughty girl in class we all secretly admired.

Too often, if someone looks too unattainable or perfect, people shy away from them as idols. The critics favoured Cindy Lauper and mocked Madonna’s early performances as she dropped her tambourine or sang off key. Much as Lauper was fun, it was the Material Girl we all wanted to be with.

Debbie Harry

By 1985, I was a busy hairdresser living in Brighton and a huge fan of Madonna. The number-one hairstyle, due in part to the film Desperately Seeking Susan,was the Madonna look, and my gang saw it several times: the camera just loved her. Apparently, according to the recent Channel 5 documentary, she studied Debbie Harry (Blondie) and the greats Marilyn and Greta Garbo to get that screen look. Those of you who have seen Madonna’s early audition for the movie Fame can see the giant improvement in her technique.

January 1987. I had made it to L.A., California, and my career as a hairdresser had really taken off. People were open and friendly, and it seemed to take only hours before invites to parties arrived, thanks to meeting a man on the plane who lived in Malibu and (to quote him) “knew everyone”.

Madonna’s True Blue album was never off my car radio and Mexican food (something strange in the UK at the time) was fast becoming my favourite.

Having a partner, I stayed away from the Malibu and Laguna beach crowd as I knew it would spell trouble. The mention of a, b, c parties put me off.

We were lucky enough to make friends with a rancher called Very Magnusson, who made us welcome. His ranch grew avocados and he had a sweet, illegal Mexican ranch hand called Ernesto working there and living there. He had a one-room hut covered in Madonna posters. He was full of smiles and hope. I really felt for him, although he spoke no English.

Madonna had released Whose That Girl (the movie and soundtrack) and she was touring. I managed through a friend there to get two tickets, ten rows from the front, to her concert in Anaheim. My partner was not taken with Madonna. So, who to take?

I decided it would be great and a dream to take Ernesto.

Vern seemed shocked. “Are you sure??”

Latino

July 18th. .There I am, all excited with Ernesto for Madonna to come on. But there is a problem: the security has checked Ernesto’s ticket for the sixth time and not mine.

“HE IS WITH ME,” I snap. Some of the people in the row are giving looks too.

I am beginning to realise that there’s a real preconceived attitude towards the Latino community in the US.

This is cemented when the man from Malibu comes running up with two friends. “Honey, how fab to see you, who are you with?”

When I say with Ernesto, they actually back off and can’t wait to get away. (There was even a sneering, “How do you know him?”)

Bigotry or hate I cannot abide. Much as anti-LGBTQ behaviour was a day-to-day issue in my life, a person being treated like this because of their race and class had my blood boiling and it was around about the same time that Madonna started telling us all to love one another.

If she had seen how a young Mexican boy was being treated at her concert, she would have told them to do more than “Open your Heart” – the opening song to her Who’s That Girl concert.

Sadly, Ernesto got involved in a local gang and was found dead two years later.

June 1988, and I was in New York, sitting in the front row of the Royale Theatre, about to see Speed the Plow, a three-handed play starring Madonna. I never asked for the front row, but a PR friend booked the seats and thought it would be great.

I was studying acting at Adam Hill in Los Angeles in my spare time, so I was keen to see her stage work.

Madonna comes on with brunette hair, holding a tray. She is visibly shaking (as the glasses on the tray are moving) and it is not part of the play. She is incredibly attractive in the flesh, close up. Sadly, Madonna is like a first-year drama student doing a monologue full of promise but has not yet refined the craft. The critics were lukewarm at best.

But the play is good and a modern classic.

Still, apart from David Bowie when I was 17, it’s the only time I’ve waited to see a celebrity by the stage door. When Madonna came out, eventually, in a chic Chanel suit, she looked straight down and got into the limo. It did make me feel like a stalker. What was I going to say to her if she had stopped? “Fancy a drink, Madonna?”

Blonde Ambition

Later, on a US television interview, she says, “Why do we always listen to the one critic over those that praise us?” It is so true: ten people can say something nice and the one person who is negative or says something of a passive-aggressive nature, I’ll be thinking about for weeks to come.

I never got to see the Blonde Ambition tour live. Still, we all loved the 1991 film Truth or Dare or, as it was known outside the US, In Bed with Madonna.It’s the one where she apparently outs people and demonstrates with the aid of an Evian bottle how to give oral sex.

Her moving speech at the GLAAD Media Awards in May this year, wearing Elizabeth Emmanuel:

“I had no idea it was going to inspire so many gay men to, A, give blow jobs to Evian bottles, or, B, just have the courage to come out and be free and take a stand and say this is who I am, like it or not.”

Sadly, some of the dancers, in my opinion, betrayed her and once their 15 minutes were up, took her to court, as documented in the film, Strike a Pose.

We have all been there: you help someone and they turn on you. There is no doubt she is a taskmaster and a perfectionist, but what an incredible start for anyone in the business. She taught us to forgive and stuck with the format of hiring new talent.

The 1992 coffee-table book Sex had fans queuing up at book shops around the world. Though she came under fire from critics, many saying her career was over, the silver-foil-covered soft-porn book is still a collector’s item.

Much as fetish clubs in New York and London, such as Torture Garden, were springing up, showing us, “a different way to love”, S&M has been around since the start of time. She opened the way for people, and in particular women, to talk about fantasy sex. Though her song “Hanky Panky” from the Dick Traceymovie soundtrack “Breathless” said she just wanted to be spanked, later she retracted this, saying, “Just try it”.

Your correspondent in shorts with a sign that says SEX on it

She had us all talking about SEX though, encouraging us not to be afraid of our desires. I still have a framed Madonna Sex cardboard cut-out.

“Erotica” was one of the first tracks she performed at her concert The Girlie Show in London in 1993. My best pal Lester Middlehurst from the Daily Mailwas working on the now defunct Today newspaper and he had VIP press tickets for the show. “Darling, you have to fly over for the weekend at least.”

Not to be ungrateful, there I was in the VIP press area in the gods. I was still at the age, I guess, where I liked to see the whites of the eyes of the performers and be with the crowd. Bless my departed friend, I don’t think he even liked Madonna.

I could write for hours about my experiences relating to Madonna. The second part will have to wait till near her concert time.

Madonna the introvert, the exhibitionist, the good Catholic girl at heart, the mother or lover. There is one thing for sure – she keeps one eye well open at all times when it comes to everything she’s doing, and both feet on the ground.

Where other icons have failed and gone to heaven, you just know the material girl will keep Vogueing on ‘til she drops. Or maybe she will surprise us and “Take a Bow” after this tour.

Follow Steven on Twitter https://twitter.com/asksteve2c