I went to a Catholic school in the Northeast. Little did I know my husband Sean also was at the same school. Primary School were good and bad days for me and I enjoyed some lessons not all. Many of the nuns at the school were too strict and would not get away with caning across your knuckles or hand for talking too much!
If you happen to be late for school, you had to stand under the crucifix for 30 minutes at the end of the day and pray.
We were often also given many lines to write if no one owned up for example: A pupil threw a rubber at the Maths teacher whilst he was writing on the blackboard. I remember we had to write 100 times ‘Rubbers rub they do not fly!’
Dear Anna.
Please, I am at the end of the line with my 14 year old son. He was expelled last year for being disruptive in class. Now the school have written to me and said he cannot come back. James was diagnosed with Autism and attention disorder at 13. What can I do? Is there a right to appeal or should I find a school that is more suited to his needs? James is super bright and was in line to take exams
Many thanks Diana Waterford
Dear Diana,
Thank you for your email. You do have the right to challenge your son’s exclusion, and the school should have informed you of this process when the exclusion occurred. The following government guidance may be helpful, if your son attended a maintained school or an Academy:
If you believe your son was excluded due to a disability-related reason, you can separately make a claim of disability discrimination to the First-tier Tribunal before the school process concludes.
If the Tribunal rules in your favour, it can order actions that put your son in the position he would have been in if the discrimination hadn’t occurred, which could include reinstating him in the school.
Lastly, it’s important to ensure that all your son’s special educational needs are identified and met. If you haven’t done so already, you may want to apply for an Education, Health and Care (EHC) needs assessment.
This is the first step towards securing an EHC Plan (EHCP). The test for starting this assessment is whether your son may need a level of special educational provision that is only available through an EHCP. Given what you have said, this may possibly be the case.
Dear Anna,
Hello love the column. My daughter lives with Autism, and she is a great singer and just so loveable. My ex-husband won’t hear about it and said I am indulging her and encouraging her to be different. I am looking for a school that caters to her needs even its a private school or theatre My parents are happy to. pay. My ex is trying to block it and threatening to take me back to court if I remove her from her present school that I do not feel caters to her needs. What can I do?
All my best Stephany Wimbledon
Dear Stephany,
Thank you for reaching out and for your kind words about the column. I spoke to my husband Sean who supports the charity, and this is his area of expertise. It does sounds like you’re in a difficult situation.
My husband Sean shares:
Sean Kennedy
If your daughter has an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP), section 51 of the Children and Families Act 2014 gives you the right to challenge any part of the EHCP, including the school placement, even though a Tribunal if necessary.
This right cannot be interfered with by other courts. While your ex-husband is entitled to express his views to the Tribunal, he cannot prevent you from exercising this right. However, your daughter’s opinions will also carry weight, particularly depending on her age and if she has capacity.
It is certainly an unfortunate situation. If your ex-husband is threatening to take this matter to the Family Courts and your daughter does not currently have an EHCP, I would strongly advise seeking legal advice from a family law specialist.
We both wish you all the best in navigating this,
Best Wishes, Anna
Dear Anna,
I am a big fan of yours and have been living all my life with various issues, it was my 16th birthday last week my mum held a party and I am not real social so I found it embarrassing and in the end it was more about her. She even got drunk and went on and on about how proud she is of me- even with all my little ways. There was about five of my friends from school there with the rest of the mums. Anna I just want to leave home and get away from her. What should I tell her and is there any organisations that helps kids like me escape?
Blair Luton
Dear Blair,
Thank you for reaching out and Happy 16th Birthday. Have you spoken to your mum about how you feel? Is there a relative that you can confide in about how you are feeling?
Parenting an autistic teen can be challenging for parents, so it’s important to seek support from other parents, support groups, or professionals who specialise in autism.
Are there any local support groups near to where you live? Leaving home is a huge step and you need to be well prepared and safe as a vulnerable young person. I hope things improve for you very soon and your relationship with your mum also improves.
Sending best wishes, Anna
Has the interview selection for Colleges and Universities changes to aid those diagnosed on the autism spectrum?
Colleges and universities are required to comply with the Equality Act 2010. This means that if an individual with a statutory disability faces disadvantages during the interview process due to the effects of their disability, the institution must take reasonable steps to avoid these disadvantages.
For clarity, a statutory disability is defined in section 6, the Equality Act 2010. This section defines disability as a physical or mental impairment that has a substantial and long-term adverse effect on a person’s ability to perform normal day-to-day activities. To qualify, the impairment must significantly impact the individual’s ability to carry out activities that are considered normal for most people (including work and university study) and must have lasted, or be expected to last, at least 12 months.
It is important to note that conditions such as ADHD and ASD are not automatically classified as statutory disabilities, though they may be. The key consideration is how these conditions impact the individual. It follows that what are known as reasonable adjustments are specific to the individual. Importantly the university or college needs to be informed of any impairments before the section process.
While universities and colleges are not required to lower the competency levels expected of students, they must provide adjustments to the interview process where necessary.
There is a lot more to the Equality Act, but I trust this provides a useful overview and is, my husband has confirmed, is accurate.
Sam Grierson said, “After my best friend took her own life, I stopped writing. I couldn’t write anymore. I met Michelle and she told me to give myself a nudge. And I went on holiday a few weeks later, and I sat on a beach in Croatia. And I hear her in my head, give yourself a nudge. And I thought to myself, you know, I’m autistic.
We’re not supposed to have big emotions. But I was having massive emotions for Jenny taking her own life. And I missed her. She’d been my best friend since I was four. And I completely missed her. And I’m thinking, I am having colossal emotions here. How is it possible that autistic people don’t feel?”
I’ve had the honour of watching Sam’s short film The Programme which is set to release in November. Her writing and direction of this enterprise made me feel a thousand emotions at once.
It’s about a non-binary and autistic character called ‘Drum’ played by Granite Harbour actress, Michelle Jeram who is interviewed by an AI robot. The purpose of this film is for the AI robot to gather information on a neurodivergent individual’s feelings and emotions to navigate how to treat them in the future.
The conversation between the AI robot (played by Sherise Blackman) and Drum was a painful watch and in many ways, made me feel seen and a huge reminder of the empathy we lack as human beings. The urgency to separate what’s normal and abnormal in people through labels, assumptions and ignorance is the root of all the divide.
People often forget that the spectrum of neurodiversity is far too varied to be generalised. There’s a reason why people say “they’re on a spectrum” after being diagnosed or familiarising themselves with certain traits. With this context in mind, Sam’s work deeply reflects how feelings and emotions also lie on an infinite spectrum that cannot be classified.
Sam explains, “Autistic people are shut down and shut up so often. I just wanted them to be able to express themselves and just talk. So I wrote the film to talk about grief and loneliness because they’re big feelings we don’t talk about. And again, as a neurodivergent person, what does that look like for us? And Drum’s not trying to be every neurodivergent person, it’s just a story by a person. But by letting them articulate their feelings, big, deep feelings, I just wanted to let people sit without uncomfortableness”
The essence of discomfort Sam speaks of while watching any of her creative explorations is an attempt to free the mind and elevate us to all forms of acceptance.
How often, as human beings, do we come across a story, feel a rush of emotions based on our own life experiences and settle on an opinion? Or, in some cases, feel so unsettled that the world becomes a projection of our emotions?
However, that’s exactly what Sam tries to portray through her work, we’re all human and equally messed up, neurodivergent or not. We’re all invited to feel the emotions that we do in our own ways. The keyword being feel and to be courageous to sit with ourselves, allow the voices to speak to us and initiate transformation through self-acceptance.
Sam mentioned, “Liz and I run workshops, we start all the workshops on the left hand side of the room, we put flip charts up and we say, right, what does autism look like? What does grief look like? And then can you express your emotions, for example, right? So we’ll put these on flip charts. And then Liz will interview me a little bit about why I wrote the film and then we’ll watch the film. Then we purposefully take a break. We let people go to the loo or whatever and just sit with it for a minute. We bring them back in the room and we say, right, talk about the film for a bit. And before they go, we do the flip charts again but on the other side of the room. We say, right, what does autism look like? What does grief look like? And can you express your emotions?
Sponsor and Film Producer, Liz Crutchley with Sam Grierson now working on a new feature film, ‘Station’
Every single person who’s ever been to our workshops has transformed in that two hour period from what they wrote and thought when they came in, to what they wrote and thought when they left, because we have challenged people, we have moved people’s perception. And the reason that we were able to do that is because we’re telling the story. And we’re able to draw people into Drum’s world and see it through Drums’ eyes in a really personal way. And so for me, what do I want to achieve? It’s that. It’s taking people’s perception beforehand and coming out the other side and transforming it. I think most people who’ve seen the film said they needed to watch it again.”
I had to watch it two or three times myself, not to make sense of the character, but mainly to make sense of my own emotions. I went through a spectrum of thoughts watching The Programme because at times I felt the writing was peeling into my heart like a stranger breaking into my house but I allowed it to happen?
At times I felt a wave of sympathy for Drum’s character for being dehumanised by the AI robot when they not only answered the questions, but also bravely articulated every ounce of their misery. Only to be shot down for digressing or being “vague”.
Sam has evolved to a state of living where she challenges herself to do things and think differently but also does everything her creative soul tells her to do. She has a wonderful community of people who share her vision to allow people to go beyond themselves and into themselves.
Executive Producer, Claire Brown with Sam Grierson
Soundtrack writer and artist, Megan Black with Sam Grierson
She continues to represent the neurodivergent community through her storytelling but also wishes to create a space for everyone to feel safe to express themselves. She works selflessly to include all voices to have a platform through her projects to spread an important message.
Sam said, “I’d like you to think differently, the other side of it. And I really want to hear from people. We’re going to put it out in November, free, because all my content is free. I really want to talk about neurodiversity. So I don’t charge for anything. It’s all self-funded. I just do it because I want to do it. I want to tell these stories. I’m going to put it out.
I really, really want people to get in touch with me and tell me what it did. What did it do? How did it make you feel? If you don’t like it, fine. Tell me why you didn’t like it. I don’t need you to like it. I don’t need you to love my film. But did it make you have some kind of emotional reaction? Yeah, that’s what I want to do. That’s what I want to do with all my audio plays, all my stories. I want to provoke an emotional reaction in people.”
And just like her audacious podcast, “Daring to be Different” Sam holds no grudge with criticism and opinions. When someone like herself enters a space of inspiration through service to the world and a community, it doesn’t matter what people think, it only matters what they feel and what they desire to share.
She is in the works of another project set in Glasgow called ‘Station’ about a man in a train station having conversations with fellow travellers to explore a multicultural perspective to life.
Director of Photography, James Peakman with Samantha Grierson
What I will say about Sam’s work before you experience it for yourself is that she always ends it with a twist. A stomach-curling, pillow-grabbing and mind-bending twist that leaves you hungry for more.
Her purpose towards people is to provide an outlet for limitless perception that without intention, without bias or any kind of expectation or outcome, re-programmes us to lead with our hearts.
Watch the trailer of ‘The Programme’ by Sam Grierson
The Vauxhall Tavern, Thursday 10th August 2023 through to September
5 stars xxxxx
A David Hoyle show is a truly unique experience and it is meant to be. I once described him as Kate Bush’s and Lyndsey Kemp’s love child. His talent is undeniable, and he asks his audience, as he narrates, to think out of the box with him.
As you look around the packed room, it mirrors “Warhol’s Factory. From the lady you feel sure may have been one of Warhol’s prodigy in her hay day with the bright pink hair, Trans adorned Hoyle’s congregations long before it became a topic of conversation. But it is not just the LGBTIQQ community that worship here. Men in suits that look like they have come from the city or just people who love art or good conversation can be found at David Hoyle shows.
” Everyone is beautiful in this room” David assures us all.
The atmosphere is electric before David even enters the room. If people-watching is your thing, part of the experience is to join liked-minded people before the show gets going. The excitement is mounting as a virgin David audience member whispers to me,
“I just love drag”.
“He is not drag”, I replied, well not in the traditional form: you won’t see Hoyle entering “Ru Paul Drag Race” any day soon. Certainly, he appears in tattered stockings and a night dress that had seen better days.
I would love to hear Michelle Visage questioning Hoyle’s sewing skills (I’d pay to witness his reply!).
Hoyle is simply art. You never know which David you’re getting and it reflects how he feels about the state of the world that night. One show he will walk on stage dressed like Frank N Furter meets Bowie’s Space Oddity, oozing glamour. The next show his hair will be in bunches like Violet Elizabeth, his tooth having fallen out, talking about poverty as an artist. Or he walks on with his face bare, a few nights after the Manchester bombing (his now home town), opening his heart to the pain we are all feeling.
He moves amongst us handing out autographed prints of his actual artwork. Hoyle uses his audience as his paint brushes. He asks those at the front why they have taken prime position if they did not want him to point them out.
Hoyle does not take cheap shots at people unlike so many that humiliate audience members. Even when confronted by the more difficult patron. To this day it still makes me chuckle to think about when he asked a slightly drunk man what he did. “I do what you do”, grandly the man replied.
Hoyle retorted, “Really! I had no idea I was generic!”
Hoyle will make fun of himself, asking if anyone fancies a 61-year-old homosexual with a bridge tooth, he chats about the difficulties of dating as an older gay man. David gives sermons on not fitting in the box, or on everyday life as an artist, or those that do not want to conform or those that do. He does not ask you to agree or disagree, but merely to think. This may not sound like a form of entertainment, but it is, and he packs out venues with those wanting to hear him.
Hoyle always finishes off by doing a portrait of an audience member. Again it could be ritual humiliation but instead the chosen one is always made to feel special, but the audience is in hysterics.
David is so very special , and it is a joy to walk away having seen someone so gifted who often bares more than his soul to his audience . Please go see this icon.
Thousands step to protest the rape and murder of trainee doctor in Kolkata, India. Picture credit: BBC
I feel sick to the stomach for the state of women and children’s lives in my country and in disbelief of the atrocities currently taking place
The issue is far more deep-rooted than we can imagine -the dark undertones of our society and revealing the evil in our own lives
[Trigger warning: Sexual/child abuse]
Citizen rally in Kolkata asking for justice. Picture credit: The Hindu
I’ve witnessed shady inconsistencies in men my whole life. It pains me to say that most people I know have encountered some form of abuse by men. Whether they were girls, boys, women or men, they’ve all been victims of perverted men in our society.
At the age of 7, I was walking to my school bus stop and I noticed my brother was lagging behind. I stopped for a brief moment to chuckle at his clumsiness when all of a sudden, a man in a grey tracksuit stopped jogging and stood in front of me.
He looked at me and said, “Have you seen a rocket?” and pointed to the sky. I looked up in confusion and when I looked back down he said, “Do you want to see a banana?” and pulled his trouser down and laughed. I started pacing towards the bus stop, numb from what I had just witnessed but completely aware that my innocence was stolen.
At school I was always curious to befriend the opposite gender. I wanted to know the boys that existed outside of my brother.
In attempts to form a bond with them, I was giggled at, pointed at and fat shamed by boys who thought I was ugly.
At 26 now I can understand that those boys were immature and classic bullies but when I put together the “father figures” in my life who objectify their own wives and sisters, the behaviour of those boys suddenly became very clear to me.
I’ve observed men in my own life who are actually moodier than the women they call dramatic.
One moment they’re bringing in platters of sweets and savouries and hampers of gifts for the women of the house.
The next an abusive sentence flows out of their mouth effortlessly for a woman anchor who wore her dress too short at a sports presentation.
As if that wasn’t confusing enough, I’ve been made to sit on laps of men who beat up their wives after a drunken expedition.
And the same men stuffed notes of money and chocolates in my tiny hands to mask the blood on their inhuman palms.
The emphasis on family, traditions and patriarchal roles is where the crime breeds. I cannot speak of the perpetrators in my own family because I will be a threat to the foundation of the society that “shaped” us.
I live with the guilt of knowing the names and the faces of men who have abused their power. I am forced to continue to keep a cordial relationship with them for the sake of family.
I’ve swallowed excuses for these men who rest their hands behind their heads refusing to change.
Who become possessed with anger when cornered, throw their arms aimlessly at any living being holding a gentle candle to enlighten them.
These are men who will say women and children are fragile and wreak havoc at the sight of it. These are the same men who fetishize fragility and inflict a satanic blasphemy to eradicate it from the world.
What’s worse, these men are all around. It’s a universal problem, hiding behind distinguished suits and pristine whites, deluding themselves to believe they know what’s right for people.
They call themselves leaders while exploiting a minor or threatening a female intern to pleasure them for career growth.
“Not all men but always a man” is a quote I came across as I was reading responses from the public. I think men who get triggered by this statement miss the forest for the trees, I don’t think the purpose was to say all men are criminals.
It’s true that violence and injustice can come from any gender but a majority of it happens to be men who hide behind their indecencies.
My hatred towards these specific men is layered with concern for the innocent lives who become subjects of their trauma.
And I wonder why?
Imagine this scenario:
A young boy watches his parents fight everyday. His mind is innocent and exposed to the first representation of a man and woman in his life. The parents were forced to have him to continue their legacy, the marriage was an arrangement/transaction to silence the society.
The young boy watched his father stumble into the house drunk every night, opening the door to find a strange woman he was forced to marry. The mother feeds the son she never wanted to have, with a man she met once before they were sentenced together for life.
The young boy believes he’s safe until the drunk father starts yelling at the mother’s incompetency to serve him as a housewife while he slaves all day. With no real evidence, the drunk father unleashes his anger towards the mother till she bleeds and verbally abuses her existence. She endures the pain without a choice, hopes to stay out of the way and continues to nurture the child as a mother but as a woman, she’s been killed.
The young boy’s mind picks up on a new behaviour, he’s confused as to why his mother who feeds him must be punished. He’s frightened of his father, his instinct of survival is to never be in his sight. But he accidentally falls prey to his father’s violence when his mother’s not around which transforms his fear into anger. His father seeks opportunities to belittle him for being a burden in their lives and is never truly shown love.
Over the years the young boy is now introduced to girls in his school. He sees girls who laugh, play and treated as equals. A girl scores a higher grade than him in class and is celebrated. The father hears about the girl scoring higher than his son, he mocks his son for being useless in comparison and maybe even beats him to a pulp for embarrassing the family. The mother stays silent, she fears speaking up to save herself from being assaulted, she cleans the wounds but the boy pushes her away.
He’s now a teenager and his hormones take over his ability to discern between love and finding a woman to control. He watches movies about how to acquire a woman for his needs, and feels tempted to watch adulterated movies to comprehend his sexual drive. He finds a woman interesting and targets her as an obsession outside of his miserable life at home.
He tries to get her attention, the girl is timid and prefers a gentle approach. Impatience and ignorance fuels the teenage boy and he cannot control himself, the behaviour he consumed as a child itches him towards harmful gratification. He wants to punish her for questioning him, he senses his mother’s weakness in her and wishes to destroy it…and so he does.
This is a scenario to display a collection of common storylines I’ve witnessed over the years. Multiply this into millions of similar stories and the problem becomes quite apparent. I could point out the obvious issues like forced arranged marriages, traditions, societal pressure, extremely poor mental health, lack of services to offer therapy or education, poverty, lack of sex education and much more.
But the core of the issue is the blatant disregard for accepting women as equals and the incompetence to take accountability. These men find pleasure in ignorance rather than sitting with the simplicity of acceptance and equality.
How could they when they believe they’ve had it the hardest? That the world has been unfair to only them? This is what they think, they function from a place of ego and rejection, it’s how their genes tell them to be and trauma takes the narcissistic steering wheel.
This weekend best friend Richard Steven’s and Goodo Debattista are returning for “Walk for Autism 2024 “The Stadium Tour raising awareness and acceptance of autism and raising funds for the autism charity, Anna Kennedy Online.
This year they will be walking around London past 12 stadiums on a 65 mile walk over one weekend. Starting and ending from Watford’s Vicarage Road Stadium, walking past The Emirates, Tottenham Hotspur Stadium, Stamford Bridge, Wembley Stadium to name a few!
The aim is to raise awareness of charities like AnnaKennedyOnline continue to support autistic people and their families. As well as well needed fund for the charity.
Richard and Goddo will be wearing t-shirts made by Born Anxious with a robin on them. This is to remember Robin Windsor who was heavily involved with the charity Anna Kennedy Online
Richard himself has been diagnosed with Autism and his youngest son.
They have received support from Alison Hammond, Katie Piper. Frank Lampard and Alan Titchmarsh
Steven Smith looks at the affect addiction has on us all, how it can be so prolific among the LGBTQ community, the often-misguided views people have about those living with addiction, and of course shares his own tale.
November 26th, 2010, the phone rang with news I had been expecting—my lifelong friend Lester Middlehurst, the witty, Machiavellian, and brilliant journalist was dead at 55. He had been in coma for days after a suspected suicide attempt.
I know how I was supposed to feel to the world. But putting down the phone, there was complete numbness followed by anger, and then an overwhelming relief that the man who had formerly been my friend, but had in later years become my tormenter was no longer. No more waking to drunken abusive messages, or being the brunt of his jokes or outburst at parties, and I’d no longer have to apologise to other people for his behaviour towards them.
Lester in his prime
Lester Middlehurst was one of the first openly gay staff members at The Daily Mail. He was legendary. At the coroner’s inquest it turned out he had not killed himself, rather his death certificate said that he died of a hypoxic brain damage attack. Everyone agreed it was his addictive lifestyle that killed him.
Sadness
Lester was one the most addicted people that I have ever met, and he was my friend and I loved him. A month later I must have spent a day crying over him. The sadness was really that he never got help for his addiction, and you could say that my lack of knowledge of it prevented me from helping him…but that would be romanticising a terrible situation.
Back in 2009 I got him to agree to attend the Meadows Clinic in Arizona, but the next day he told me not to be so stupid. In truth, I did not feel strong enough to stand up to him. As my knowledge about addiction has grown, I have become more aware that there was nothing I could have done unless Lester had wanted to do anything about it.
According to the Centre of Addiction, members of the LGBTQ community are at greater risk of substance use and mental health issues compared to those identifying as heterosexual.
Members of the LGBTQ community face chronically high levels of stress, often due to having to suffer from social prejudice and discrimination. Fear, isolation, and depression increase the chances of self-medicating with alcohol and drugs. As a man that has lived a life in big cities, I have witnessed addiction in all classes and types of people. Addiction is a mistress that does not care who she dances with, yet the LGBTQ community are often her favourite partners.
As the self-confessed addict, actor Russell Brand explains that the distinction of any compulsive or addictive behaviour is when it begins to negatively impact on the rest of your life.
Compulsive
So, you might love chocolate so much that you’ll ignore all logical reasoning, “I have to have chocolate…I have to have chocolate…I don’t care what else happens”. If you’re crashing your car because of chocolate, that’s a problem.
According to Wikipedia, addiction is a brain disorder characterised by compulsive engagement in a rewarding stimulation despite adverse consequences.
Of course, addiction is certainly an illness and not a lifestyle choice, and if we are honest, addiction is in all of us in some way or another.
For me, I just can’t not buy a large French baguette, cut a few slices off, and put it back for later. I end up devouring the whole thing. Subsequently, I do not buy French baguettes unless I am feeling poorly. Whether it’s chocolate, coffee, or your favourite tipple, we all have cravings.
Russell Brand
Much as Russell Brand is right, there are so-called functioning addicts who you would not even realise are hooked on their drug of choice, and it can take many years for the effects to begin to show. Often referred to as “high functioning addicts” owing to their having powerful jobs or enough money to effectively hide their addiction from others. This knocks on the head the commonly presented image of an addict being down-and-out or living on the streets. According to the American Psychiatric Association, there is no such thing…they are all just addicts who have created coping mechanisms.
My father, God rest his soul, came home after holding down a high-powered job and drank whisky every day of his life, yet he would be horrified at the idea of being described as an addict. But when he left hospital after lung cancer removal surgery, he sat down and demanded, “Get me a whisky and a cigarette.” On the suggestion that was not a good idea and that he would end up back in hospital, he snapped “Are you threatening me?”
Growing up, I was told that an addict was someone who got up and drank first thing. Drinking after coming home from work and weekends was seen as normal for many in the 60s and through to the 90s. All of our soaps were featured around a pub, making alcohol look like a socially acceptable way of life.
I had a volatile relationship with my dad, but his fight with cancer gave me a better understanding of the nature of his addiction and where it had come from. He had been a talented jazz trumpeter and played with the BBC orchestra, but his nerves had come to the forefront and he started to self-medicate by having a few whiskies before his shows. Eventually, he gave up and started a family, but the drinking did not stop.
Charismatic
My father adored my best pal who also fights addiction, and is a truly remarkable human being who I was fortunate to love, and my dad did not like many people. The two were like two peas in a pod and talked for ages.
Spending time with my dad before he died made me wonder whether, if he had managed to overcome obvious anxiety and continued playing, perhaps he would have been happier. Of course, back then mental health was seen by many as a weakness and not to be spoken about.
My world has been filled with people who are addicts in one form or another. They are the most charismatic and amazing people and the arts are full of them. In my opinion, they all have one thing in common—they can snap and become almost frightening at the drop of a hat, and then suddenly they are wonderful and make you feel like you mean the world when they are OK. Sadly, during my childhood there was more of the former with my dad. Though I knew in the end that he loved me.
There are so many people living with addiction, anxiety, and mental health issues who are in denial. Even with all the help groups and open discussions there seems to be a quite a bit of stigma attached to it still.
Dr Pam Spurr, a popular self-help expert and radio television personality, says she often encounters people who are in denial about their issues that are the source of their addiction problems. They say things like “I just have a little problem with confidence” which ignores the fact that they drink excessively to help make them feel more confident. Or they say, “I only drink after work to take the edge off.” But when they count up the units, they are far in excess of government guidelines. It’s at times like these that I encourage them to think honestly about their drinking (or drug taking) and consider expert advice.
Dr Pam
Many addicts get clean either by joining the 12-step programme, by checking into rehab, or by seeking counselling. The journey of recovery can be different and what works for one person might not work for another person. It is important to point out that as much as the newspapers show pictures of celebrities dashing off to glamorous-looking rehabs, getting into a state-run rehab in the UK can be very difficult for mere mortals.
While helping a friend who was using OxyContin (a pain killer) and had got into a mess from ordering online and then become addicted, the general health services did not want to know. Even going through other channels, she was advised that her chances of getting into rehab were slim, although she did come away from it with a strong network of friends around her.
A beautiful girlfriend of mine found her sobriety in a man as her anchor who was also living with addiction. They have both been clean for seven years now.
Living in LA, the 12 steppers (12 step programme) were like the mafia, and rumour had it that all the best movie deals were done at their meetings and also that many there did not have addiction issues and instead just wanted to pitch ideas.
There is no doubt that the 12-step programme helps many, and even if the meetings can become the new addiction it’s a healthy one.
I agree with Doctor Pam that it is amazing how much of a lack of understanding there is about addiction.
Cake
My gorgeous bubbly friend Monica is originally from California. She is a super bright academic having gone to Yale, lectured all over the world, and she also ran a school for a while.
Yet three years ago she decided to open an up-market catering company as her award-winning chef sister is a goddess in the business. People actually beg for invites to try her canapés.
Lunch with Monica is always fun—it starts off with “Darling shall we share a cake after?” Despite being gorgeous, she is always on some kind of diet. Her little addiction would be cake.
Like one or two other intellectuals I have met with qualifications coming out of every orifice, their life skills sometimes leave me speechless. Despite having a gay brother, she once commented on a photo shoot involving five men I had directed “Is the man with his foot up against the wall a sign he is gay?” I replied “No darling, there are no secret signs; it’s a James Dean inspired clothing shoot.” She just smiled and continued eating.
Today, however, she was on the warpath. She was catering for a big party we had worked on together to get celebrities at. One of the celebs had behaved inappropriately to some of the other guests and to a couple of waitresses.
She was not amused when I laughed, “Well darling, at least he did not get his cock out and try and pee in the champagne fountain like at my other friend’s launch. How that did not end up in the papers is beyond me.” I got the school ma’am look.
He was living with addiction – not surprising considering his childhood trauma and the abuse he lived with. He really should not have been drinking. I am not excusing him, but it’s not the end of the world that I did not invite him to the next few. I said that I’d have a word. Her eyes got wider, and she seemed shocked that I had empathy with the celebrity at all. She wanted him banned for life.
Taboo
As much as I have some reservations about the 12-step programme, saying you’re sorry to those you may have hurt is not easy to do, but it sometimes isn’t enough. I started talking about addiction, and a few minutes in it was clear that it was going nowhere, even though I was sharing this with someone highly intelligent.
Addiction remains a taboo subject. There are so many people in denial and as much as the newspapers are full of celebrity headlines about them being addicted, most of us don’t want to talk about it or feel labelled by it.
A year ago my phone rang—it was a friend who had come out of family day at a rehab centre that her daughter was attending. She was fuming that they suggested that it may run in the family, “They had better not be blaming this on me. I have no addiction.” She was not amused when I laughed “It’s not about you and I will remind you of that next time you refuse to come home from the bar or spend two weeks obsessing about something.”
Outside those who are counsellors, therapists, and those who talk openly about their addiction and some of their loved ones, I have found very few people who understand those living with addiction.
A very wise woman, author, presenter, and journalist, Jane Moore was one person who seemed to understand it. Lester and Jane were great friends and the two together were hysterical. Yet Lester had gone on a tirade about her and I was mortified since she was a true loyal friend to him, and he was starting to run out of friends due to his behaviour.
Lester Middlehurst and Jane Moore
While ringing her and offering full apologies asking her not to fall out with him, she calmly said, “I could never be offended by Lester. He is hurting too much, but he’s lucky to have a friend in you.”
At the time I just thought, but I wish if I had taken those words more to heart I might not have taken his behaviour personally and got as hurt as I did in the end. It helped later in life as I saw the pain addiction brings too.
The LGBTQ community have learnt to talk more as we have needed to be heard to survive. Most surveys say that a larger proportion of those identifying drug and alcohol use as a coping mechanism are LGBTQ, but I beg to differ.
I have sat in many restaurants and bars in London watching the city boys and their entourage go back and forth to the toilets, passing each other along the way. I am pretty sure they are not the kind found in the survey.
Addiction is a worldwide human crisis according to the World Drug Report. Unless we start talking about it, spotting the signs at an early age, and treating it as an illness, many will die with all the new and powerful drugs flooding the market. Whole towns have been wiped out in the US due to drug addiction.
Chemsex is the consumption of drugs to facilitate sexual activity. Both terms refer to a subculture of recreational drug users who engage in high-risk sexual activities under the influence of drugs within groups. Chemsex parties are said to be prolific on the London gay scene, but that is a different story. Not wanting to be righteous, I have no experience of it or want to engage in it. Recent reports in the gay press say chemsex parties are held across UK, but there is a correlation between addiction and sex shame.
The perfect storm
David Stewart of 56 Dean Street, an award-winning HIV and sexual health clinic in the heart of London, explains that this trend is driven by a convergence of factors: “Vulnerable gay men with issues around sex, new drugs that tapped into that problem and changing technology. What they call the perfect storm.”
There was enough of a problem for the government to lay out guidelines in 2017.
Actress Danielle Westbrook, who I have interviewed many a time, put it simply to me, “Look Steve, you get ten people at a party and they all try coke for the first time. Four never try it again, four have it once in a blue moon, and two poor things are addicted six months later.”
The answer would be to never take the risk, but human nature is never that simple.
My friend Lester will never come back but it led me to have so much more of an understanding of addiction and how to protect myself around addiction. Many of the world’s beautiful people are soldiers fighting addiction every day of their lives.
My viewz and not of 2Shades brought to you bi -monthly a column that does not hold back
“Where to pee or not to pee, is that really a question?”
Trans. Trans, dear God has there ever been a topic that will have you cancelled simply for not agreeing and get so many hot under the collar?
Now let us get this straight and to help the right-wing God squad: if your apparent higher power allowed a child to be born with bone cancer or deformed, is there not a chance he popped one or two in the wrong body too?
For me, if a man or woman feels they have been born in the wrong body and have undergone two years of therapy and gender reassignment, as far as I am concerned, they are now the sex of their choice.
People who have had gender-affirming surgery have been in my life since I was 16. The Famous Julia / George dropped coffee all over my Fiorucci white jump suit at “Scandals” night club when she ran the coffee shop there. Strangely we became friends. From April Ashley to Tallulah, famous sex changes have been in the news. Many have played under the radar and of course with some there was the odd whisper, but all for most part got on with their new lives. Wonderful India Willoughby, whom I admire, campaigns for
Transvestites who enjoy popping a frock on are not in that transgender category, however.
Nor is drag. Drag has been around since time began and in the theatrical sense it is a performance. So many people seem to be labelling drag artists as trans which, for the most part, they are not. Men that suddenly announce they are trans and pop on a frock, an acrylic wig and some false nails are not women.
Sure, some might be starting a journey towards being a woman. Others never will make that trip and must appreciate it is a dream and not expect rights as a woman.
Tim Curry in the incredible The Rocky Horror show is a sweet Transvestite not to be confused with gender reassignment https://rockyhorror.co.uk
Much as mixed toilets have been in many venues for years, the right for a woman or, when it comes to it, a man to go the toilet that is used by their own sex should be enforced. What many forget is some women are coping with trauma, having been raped or abused badly by men. They will find the idea of sharing a bathroom (where they are in a vulnerable state) with anyone with a penis utterly terrifying. Simply put, if you have a penis stay out of the ladies loo.
What is bizarre to me and many of the trans is this “Dead Life”, i.e. if you are now identify as woman, your prior life is “Dead Life” and you can suddenly create a whole past as girl. One (who we all know)
described how she slept with a variety of celebrities as a beautiful young girl – the issue here is she was a 17-year-old spotty boy at the time she claims it happened. It is just a lie, a “Fantasy Life” that to my mind is closer to criminal fraud.
I certainly would have been trans back in my school years. I used to pray that I would wake as a girl because being a boy was pure misery for me. Today I love being a man, in fact after about 14 that desire to be a girl eventually passed. For many it does not, and they have my
empathy and support to be who they want to be after a certain age.
Forcing kids into boxes i.e. boys like football and action and
girls like Barbie and cooking is one of the unhealthiest things I can think of. It is responsible for so many mental health issues in those kids who do not fit into society’s false expectations. But please do not let kids undergo surgery till they are fully matured and can decide if it is still what they really want.
Personally there would be no way I would even want a child of mine to have a piercing or tattoo until they were in their late teens. There are support groups such as Mermaids that help young people who feel they are struggling with gender
Finally, practise what you preach. A lovely trans woman who I respected and addressed as a woman (even though they had not had surgery, or any work done), berated me for not eating what I was given at a dinner table (I do not eat red meat or pork).
“In my day you ate what you were given!” she chastised me.
Thank God for you it is not “your days” as you would be running for the hills dressed as woman. The problem is, if we expect people to accept us for who we are, it has to be reciprocal, not one-sided.
Colin Farrell – a real man of action
As if we could not love Colin Farrell enough already, the actor and his son James have melted our hearts this month. Colin has been talking about his 20-year-old son James who lives with Angel Syndrome.
“I want the world to be kind to James. I want the world to treat him with kindness and respect.”
Angelman syndrome is genetic disorder that mainly affects the nervous system. Symptoms include a small head and a specific facial appearance, severe intellectual disability, developmental disability, limited to no functional speech, balance and movement problems, seizures, and sleep problems.
Farrell has started a foundation in honour of his son in the US. The Colin Farrell Foundation will provide support for adult children who have an intellectual disability through advocacy, education and innovative programs.
As for the foundation, for years Farrell has wanted to do something in the realm of providing greater opportunities for families who have a child with special needs, to receive the support that they deserve and the assistance in all areas of life.
“Once your child turns 21, they’re kind of on their own,” Farrell says. “All the safeguards that are put in place, special ed classes, that all goes away, so you’re left with a young adult who should be an integrated part of our modern society and often is left behind.”
This is mirrored in the UK. Last year Dr Anna Kennedy OBE petitioned Number 10 Downing Street to help those living with autism to be aided after the age of 24 where government aid stops. “Who will look after my sons when I am gone?” is a question Anna has raised along with many parents of children with special needs.
Dr Anna Kennedy OBE and me delivering a petition to Number 10 downing street picture Terry Scott ,
Colin and Anna are real heroes and we need more of the likes of these two in this world.
Yet more bad news for the BBC as their top-rated show “Strictly Come Dancing” comes under fire for apparent bullying as previous contestants have been complaining.
Oh do get a grip. You go into a reality show and you are really expecting it to be plain sailing?
These people complaining of bad treatment have agents and a
right to walk out at any time. Stop, enough already. Do not go into a
show like “Strictly” or “I’m a Celebrity” and expect back rubs and hugs.
Dance is a highly disciplined practice and anyone who has properly
trained at the ballet or dance school will tell you it is not for the faint
hearted.
To conclude .
When your bear friend has been taking Ozempic and asks if
you have noticed any visible side effects on them…
It has been Brighton Pride this weekend sadly I could not be there but it is just amazing to even see online!
I could not be prouder of how 2Shades is appealing to all of the community and our ally’s Pride is something we all take seriously it is who we are at the core of the magazine.
Brighton Pride picture by Simon Dack
Such changed days, indeed, from the 1970s, when the only form of LGBTQ publication around was “Gay News”, which I use to smuggle into the family home as a teenage boy. Back then, for mainstream magazines or newspapers to feature gay people in a positive light could be the kiss of death for the publication. It was a time when openly gay actors could be blacklisted with in the industry. Even being suspected of being gay could see you thrown out of the armed forces.
I remember my mother, on discovering the hidden paper, standing and screaming, “There is no such thing as ‘Gay News’, just bad news.” At the age of 15, I was out, causing more than a little scandal at my school, and despair and outrage at home. Much as my mother is now a big advocate of LGBTQ, it caused considerable upset in the 1970s. Only my sister, who was 13 at the time, had a kind word. She had been told there had been a great family upset. Karen squeezed my hand and told me she always knew I was gay, and she loved me.
My parents’ answer was to take me to see the Samaritans, to meet a man who had been in the merchant navy and therefore “knew about gays”. I can still see him sitting there in his light-blue pullover, looking somewhat uncomfortable. His advice was that gay men did not all look like David Bowie or Marc Bolan. I pointed out that both were, in fact, bisexual. He continued, “If you go to Portsmouth, there are big, hairy men on bikes looking for and preying on young men.”
Once safely back in the car with my parents, I raised the question: “Where is Portsmouth and how do I get there?”
Sadly, it always seems to be a shock when someone comes out to the family. There are more negative stories than positive ones. Even a model friend of mine, whose son was never out of her high heels and frocks, seemed devastated when he broke the news. It raised the question, “What was she seeing all those years as he grew up?”
This is a question also asked in the brilliant drama series, “It’s A Sin”. Valerie Tozer, masterfully played by Keely Hawes, is a mother in denial as her son lies dying of Aids. She blames everyone she can find except herself. Sandra (played by Ruth Sheen), whose son also lies ill, asks just that question: “What were you looking at when he was six? Ten? Fifteen?”
Even still today, kids are thrown out of their homes for being LGBTQ, and even for many that are allowed to stay, their lives can be made miserable. Their only crime is being a human being who loves someone or is attracted to the same sex. These are the same kids whose parents happily hand toy guns to them and let them play war games. But – what horror in a kiss with someone of the same sex!
I cried when watching the superbly crafted “Heartstoppers” on Netflix. The character Nick tells his mother he likes boys and girls. Played beautifully by Olivia Colman, the mother calmly thanks him for sharing that with her and hopes he is okay. If only more parents acted that way, there would be so much less trauma within the LGBTQ+ community, and our mental health would be stronger.
Things might be getting better, but the LGBTQ+ community is still under attack every day. As with all wars, a good strategy is a key factor in survival. Education in schools is essential – using positive role models, and making kids feel safe who do not fit the masculine or feminine stereotypes. This is still going to take time, understanding, and some amazing people to give a strong voice.
Education is the key to most things, and this includes brilliant diversity role models going into schools and talking about their lives. It is important, in everyday life, that we are up to educating our children and spotting the difference between homophobia and mere ignorance in this woke society, where everyone seems easily offended. A woman said to me quite recently, when I was clearly channelling a butch moment, “You don’t seem that gay. My hairdresser Eduardo is gay. He’s a scream. He does drag on a Tuesday.”
Looking at her carefully, I pointed out that the Krays were gay, adding one or two other examples. She went deadly quiet, and after a moment, she apologised. She hoped I was not offended. Of course, I wasn’t, but I had made someone think.
Thankfully, we now have positive role models that people can identify with. Jake Daniels, the first openly gay footballer, made headlines last month, and we also have Gareth Thomas, the rugby player, and Tom Daley, Olympic gold medallist. The sad thing is, while there are many gay footballers, fear of losing endorsements or their peers’ reactions keeps them in the closet. It is tragic that this still makes headline news. It shows that society still does not really except such men.
Jake Daniels footballer
It is wonderful to see David Beckham come out and back Jake, but disappointing that he also backs the World Cup in Qatar, a country that still has the death penalty for gay people. We need our allies not to sit on the fence when it comes to human rights.
The gay community can be a homophobic place too. Often, the more flamboyant characters are not seen as the heroes. Gay men themselves sometimes fear being labelled camp or effeminate.
. But our tireless fights are not just for gay rights, but human rights. Quintin Crisp may have had some lapses in judgment, but he was a voice in the dark for people like me, Boy George and our generation. Bowie and Marc Bolan also showed us it was okay to be different.
Boy George a light for many
The truth is, if an alien landed and asked us to show them what a typical gay person looked like, it would be impossible. It would be like being asked to find a quintessential heterosexual – then going to Chelsea football ground in the company of an overweight man, with a pint and a Union Jack t-shirt, smoking a fag, and shouting, “This is what a straight man looks like.” There would be an outcry, and trust me, there are many gay men that look like that too.
I have often been asked “Why do you need ‘Pride’. There’s no straight Pride.” My answer is always, “Thank your lucky stars you don’t need straight Pride.” We have to be a voice and be seen, in order to hope that one day, no-one will blink an eye if I hold my boyfriend’s hand in public. We must also hope that one day, that teenage boy’s or girl’s mum and dad will hug them when they come out, and the world will be a safe place for the LGBTQ+ community. It’s getting better, but we still have a long way to go.
Please tell everyone about 2Shades magazine and subscribe to us.
Millions of people donate financially each year to charities.
However, many do not have the means to reach into their pockets and help. There are other ways to help from volunteering to raising funds by doing sponsored events like walking, cycling and even jumping from a plane. 2 Shades talks to someone who did exactly that, our columnist Dr Anna Kennedy OBE.
1. Anna, what on earth made you want to do a sky jump?
To be honest it was the last thing on my bucket list. We were brainstorming ways to raise funds for my charity Anna Kennedy online. One of our Patrons Steven Smith mentioned he had sky jumped out of a plane to raise funds for Pancreatic Cancer charity a few years back.
Three of the team, Steven, Aston Avery and Lisa Robins, decided they would all jump to help raise awareness. Quickly I made it clear that my contribution was to wave firmly on the ground. My fear of heights was too great to even think about doing it. Steven kept teasing me “You’re always getting others to do things outside their comfort zone, and they thank you for it”, and “Lead by example”. Thanks Steven I thought!
Dream team dive for Anna Kennedy on line
A few months ago, I spoke to Marie Hanson MBE (one of our Autism Hero Award judges) who had just jumped out of a plane and loved it so much that she was considering another challenge. Marie also had a fear of heights and said, “Go on Anna, you can do it!” So, I did!
Alway supportive @spman631dbbf47d on hand to give his advice
2 Tell us about the location where you did the jump?
We travelled to Peterborough to “UK Parachuting” at Sibson Airfield https://ukparachuting.co.uk. It is about fifteen twenty minutes from Peterborough station and they really looked after us.
There is a great café, and they advise you not to jump on an empty stomach. Steven was gutted as new rules meant that if your over 100kg the insurance won’t cover you for the dive. He was 4kg over and was not allowed to jump. Our wonderful AKO volunteer Stacey Moore took his place what a hero she only came out to wave at us and was not allowed to jump.
K PARACHUTING PETERBOROUGH
3. Did you think about changing your mind in the lead up to the jump?
Steven travelled up with me and was making me laugh. It helped as I was not thinking about the jump. In the lead up, getting sponsorship occupied my mind and it was exciting as funds came in, so it took my mind off the fact that I was going to be hurling towards the ground to raise the money.
4. Was there training involved?
It was professional. After a weigh-in and registration there was a bit of a wait and time to grab a coffee. Then there was a class with the lead instructor who was clear and concise, so he kept you at your ease. They were not going to let you fly unless you had understood the whole process.
Just before you got on the plane, they went over any questions and were just brilliant and made it fun too.
5. Were you scared getting on the plane and taking off?
It would be a lie if I said, “No!”
Just prior there were a herd of elephants doing a Zumba class in my tummy. For sure the egg sandwich from the café though delicious seemed like a very bad idea. But the team spirit and the instructors once we got on the plane made me feel calm and excited.
6. What was the jump like?
The first few seconds of the jump and free fall were a little scary. Imagine being in a tumble drier that is also a freezer. Kind of “What have I done?!”
Once those few seconds were over, I thought ‘Anna get a grip’, then I began to enjoy the whole experience and the beauty of the environment. It was exhilarating.
7. Were you relieved when you landed?
A little but so happy too that I had enjoyed the experience and immediately gave a short speech about the charity and our work.
8. What did your family and friends say about you doing the jump?
My son Patrick was worried and asked for reassurance I was not going to die or have a heart attack. I said we were in the safe hands of professional people who have been supporting the public for years who wanted to experience the skydive.
9. Would you do it again and how much did your raise?
Yes, I would love to do it again now I know what to expect! We were all so grateful to raise £3700. If you sponsored us, we really do appreciate it. We are only a small charity and every £1 counts.
Hero or villain? Steven Smith looks at what it takes to be the man who has everyone talking, the heavyweight boxing champion of the world, Tyson Fury.
A hero to the poor with his charitable donations to the homeless, a champion for mental health and the self-proclaimed ‘King of the Gypsies’.
Tyson standing at 6’9” embodies all that can be labelled as masculine, yet unlike many hard men, this giant breaks the mould. He has started to wear his heart on his sleeve and has opened up, talking frankly of his demons, depression, and personal battles with addiction.
Tyson also adds to the list that he is bipolar and suffers from anxiety. But is it possible that the man of the moment, who is so desperate for the world to perceive him as super masculine is still, as his father John Fury described him, a shy and sensitive overweight boy inside? Was it this shy boy that begged for the acceptance of his boxing coach father?
Was it his unconventional gypsy upbringing that pushed him into a mould of boxing and masculinity, which subsequently became the root of Tyson’s demons and depression? Is it the often toxic masculinity that is piled on to so many young men during their upbringing, the cause of his trauma and mental health issues later in life?
Now, I like Tyson Fury. He is fascinating, and from the minute he burst on to our screens, I was aware of him. There was something that made me want to stop and listen; he appeared to be a model hero on paper. His smile lights up the screen, and his enthusiasm for life makes me want to know more. Then there is the unconditional love that he has for his family, which simply melts your heart.
“The best part of my life is taking my kids to school. I could live in a cardboard box and eat cheese sandwiches, as long as my family is with me“.
Tyson tells us though it is doubtful that his gorgeous wife Paris, who he has been with since they were teenagers, would ever let it come to that. She is one shrewd cookie and lives like a footballer’s wife rather than a gypsy though you can’t imagine Victoria Beckham arriving in Vegas and going straight in to do David’s dirty dishes.
But of course, once it was pointed out that this man, who I would want on my team in any battles, did not just have traditional values but what some might consider downright prehistoric values, I was speechless.
Unbelievably, in 2015, in an interview on TheJeremy Vine show, with gay rights campaigner Peter Tatchell, he compared gays to paedophiles, claiming that homosexuality is “One of the three things that will lead to the apocalypse; the other two being abortion and paedophilia”.
Even his younger brother Love Island star Tommy seems to have taken the anti-gay stance On a now disabled Twitter account, Tommy tweeted his older brother, Tyson, allegedly stating “Come on bro, let’s get dis win good luck brother and Chisora is a f***** and he’s gettin it proper @TysonFury”.
In 2018 he was nominated for Sports Personality of the Year, yet his homophobic comments and derogatory sex views came back to haunt him, with calls to remove him and comments made including:
“So, when Tyson Fury is called the people’s champion, it begs the question: which people?”
Challenged about his views by one reporter, he sat in his van replying “Jesus loves you”.
Tyson has since apologised for his outburst and controversial views.
Were these Tyson’s views or were they opinions that had been drummed into him from an early age by someone else? Or was it a culture of growing up in the gypsy community, not known to embrace and welcome gay people among their tribe?
Fellow gypsy fighter, Billy Joe Saunders says, “Where we come from, if you show weakness, you might as well give up on life as a fighter”. It’s a world where men fought, and women, as quoted by Tyson himself, were ‘best flat on their back or in the kitchen’.
Tyson comes from a world where LGBTQ is stamped on with ferocity. Anyone who has read ‘Gypsy Boy’ by Mikey Walsh will find it not only a harrowing experience but a moving and humorous one too. Brilliantly written, it tells the story of a gay boy brought as a Romanian and unable to conform to his expectations of masculinity. The description of the brutality he suffered, at the hand of his father, as the reader, stained the pages with my tears.
Yet, at the end of the book, his father unexpectedly turned up to see Walsh, now a teacher, despite the violence
Could growing up in a tightly knit community with some values and beliefs that are from a by-gone age, be like other, almost closed communities or cults and brainwash their young?
Tyson appears to be an intelligent man, embracing all that life has to offer, in a way an old soul that could see that the bright lights of Hollywood or Vegas could not compare to his roots in Morecambe, or make him any happier for that matter.
“From the age of six, all I ever dreamed of was being a boxer, now I have it all; I am the greatest boxer in the world yes, I have sinned, suffered from depression and anxiety, and I am bipolar”, he tells viewers.
Tyson does not have it all; regrettably, he does not have good mental health, something money or fame can’t replace.
His dad, John Fury, is not a likeable character; there is something a little sad about him, almost broken, floored and in denial. He tells us that Tyson’s mental health has been impacted due to being so successful and mixing with millionaires and celebrities.
There is something that screams ‘pushy show biz mum’ about him. That statement about his son confirmed my suspicions; that he would like very much to have been Tyson.
“I am sure that I have depression but, in my day, we had to worry about keeping a roof over my family’s head and food on the table, there was no time to think of any of that”.
I am sure at heart he loves his son, but he displays little understanding or empathy for mental health issues. To be fair to John, however, he did come from an age where issues such as mental health were rarely discussed.
In the first of the series John who is banned from America for a criminal conviction, after being released from prison in 2015 following a four-year completion of an 11-year sentence, for gouging another man’s eye out during a brawl at a car auction, tells us that Tyson was a shy, sensitive, fat kid. “I brought all my boys up the same; to fight; I trained them myself”.
John, a bare-knuckle boxer must have had the same training from his father as a boy and probably would not think that any of his boys could be different. Young men or boys who have toxic masculinity forced upon them can have extreme consequences to their mental wellbeing, particularly on the sensitive child or those that do not fit the macho mould.
Violence as an indicator of power (think: “tough-guy” behaviour)
In other words, toxic masculinity is what can come of teaching boys that they can’t express their emotions openly; that they have to be “tough all the time”; that anything other than that makes them feminine or weak. (No, it doesn’t mean that all men are inherently toxic.) The harmful side effects can, however, develop into homophobia, or misogyny.
Toxic masculinity, according to Psycom and several surveys, can lead to suicide, depression, anxiety, addiction, and drug use.
A 2017 survey by the Equality and Human Rights Commission found that gypsies, travellers and Roma were found to suffer “poorer mental health than the rest of the population in Britain” and were “more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression”.
Only last year Billy and Joe Smith, stars of My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding were found dead in a suicide pact. They had both been struggling with mental health issues.
Now, looking back, I was a sensitive kid too. My dad introduced me to football by heading the ball at my head in the front room. It made me cry, and I hated football from then on. As an adult, I am quite sporty, but Dad could never really teach me anything. The last thing I needed was tough love.
Is it not possible that locked in this huge massive man is the shy, sensitive kid at loggerheads with who he has become? Desperate to please his father, who needed his shy son to “Man up”. The poor man can find a cloud in every silver lining; it must have been hard for the young Fury.
To be honest, the penny drops on what it was that that I saw in Tyson. He had the traits of another beautiful man who had the same personal scenario. He too could be charming, but many said he was bad news; he lived with depression, anxiety and had addiction issues, yet there was something I adored about him.
He had a troubled childhood and was abandoned as a kid by his father. He told me about the days his dad left, with such vivid description, despite being only 8 years old at the time. It was at that moment I saw that very child looking at me through man’s eyes. Taking a shot, I told him “that frightened child is with you every day, you protect him with your front”. There was a silence and the relief that someone had seen the real him, and because he did not feel judged, he could be himself. That’s what I saw in Tyson.
My money is on the fact that Tyson is at loggerheads with himself.
Everyone around him seems to be at loggerheads with Tyson’s new direction. Whilst embracing wealth and lifestyle, some of them claim to want to stay with the traditions of the travelling community.
Tyson wants to set precedents and make changes within the gypsy community. He hates “dream crushers”, whatever his kids want to be, he will be fully supportive.
Yet in a U-turn, wife Paris, who earlier in the show, ‘Tyson Fury Gypsy King’, says she lived her earlier years as a traveller in a caravan now says that she could not bear to leave her beautiful home with hot water and mod cons and her beloved trips to Marbella.
Paris wants the kids raised as travellers. The kids will leave school at 11, and when they marry, they can then leave home, (No room for any of the kids to be gay in that plan then). Daughter Venezuela, who wants to be a dancer or gymnast, calls her mum ‘dream crusher’. Paris comments that Venezuela is already too tall to become either; Venezuela does have a point.
You like Paris in the show, but it’s hard not to, but you want to give her a reality check. When she is not cooking for the massive family, Paris seems to spend the rest of her time in the hairdressers.
Tyson clashes with her; he is keen as ‘King’ to make changes; the kids should stay in school; they can embrace both lifestyles. Here is where I thought he could bring about change, as he moves among the likes of the ‘queens’ dream’ gay ally, Robbie Williams, along with other showbiz pals.
It is possible to educate a homophobe, misogynist, or even a bigot, especially if you take them out of an environment that is steeped in it.
My bet is if Tyson’s demons do not cause him to self-destruct, let’s hope he fights them as hard as any opponent. Tyson could be the king that brings a kinder, more tolerant era to the gypsy community.
After all, a man who pays €200 for two lobsters and sets them free can’t be all that bad!
2Shades Magazine 